When you’re little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different… self doubt, loneliness, regret… and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark.
When I was in high school, my senior project consisted of an autobiography. My Life written by Me. I found that autobiography the other day and it literally brought me to tears. I had to leave town, I had to be around people that reminded me I was loved, quite frankly, I just had to get away. Parts of my past that I've locked in the back of my mind were unlocked and unleashed a fury of emotions. To think that was almost 10 years ago that I wrote about some of the difficult times that I faced in my life but I also wrote about my future. As a senior in high school, I was optimistic of my future... I was already going to be a Doctor, be married, and had children as I spent this lavish life traveling the world. When in reality, almost 10 years down the road, I'm about to be a single mother and working as a contractor for an investigations company. I've been in nursing, followed by bartending, and now this. Who knew that I would not have followed that path I set for myself.
Some days I dont know whether to feel happy or ashamed. I'm happy that I'm healthy, happy that I am in the process of creating an amazing little human being, I am happy that I don't struggle everyday, and I am happy that I have the amazing people in my life that I do. However, I often feel ashamed that I have not settled down, that I lost the love of my life, that I will never love another man the way that I love him, but mostly that I am about to have a child with a man that I am not married to. Its hard to be happy when so many things or ideals are pushed on you or you have set for yourself.
So it leaves me confused over my situation. Now, do not get me wrong, I am EXCITED about becoming a mother. I cannot imagine what my life is going to be like for the next 18 years but I know I am ready for the journey. I went from being told I would spend the rest of my life on birth control and even without would never have children to getting the news of this little miracle. I accepted the fact after I was delivered that news and was even reaffirmed when I had my miscarriage. So for this to be happening is absolutely mind blowing and I could not be happier. However, the circumstances leading to this little miracle are where I am not so thrilled. I am not in a relationship with the father nor do we speak on a regular basis. Its really hard to want him involved knowing that we will never be more than what we are. I spent my life going between parents on a weekly basis and told myself I would never allow my children to go thru that ordeal.
When they say that the only monsters that are real are the ones that are inside of us... they are absolutely accurate. Turns out mine are some BEASTS! I find myself constantly fighting a battle with these monsters. They like to throw in my face the thoughts of my childhood, the past mistakes I've made, the old relationships, the new relationships, and even my own self-doubt.
I get to the point that I constantly wonder... can I just start over? Can I just go back to the beginning and make a new life? The answer is no... not without removing everything and everyone that got me to where I am today - with every heartache came a new understanding, with every struggle came a new triumph, with every setback came my comeback. Could I honestly say I'd be better off never going thru anything that I've been thru. No. I can start over though in a different way. I can set new plans and goals for myself. Make a new 10 year plan... Lord knows, I have nothing but time with a new one coming into this world. I know when I hold my baby for the first time, I will spend the rest of my life falling in love with him or her everyday. I know I will spend the rest of my life giving my child a life better than my own. I will do whatever it takes to be the best mother I can be.
