There’s a stage you go through in child birth and it’s the toughest part. It’s called the transition stage. You’ve been pushing so hard and so long. You’re exhausted, spent and there’s nothing to show for all of your effort. During this transition stage, it feels like you can’t go on but it’s because you’re very nearly there.
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Transition is movement. From one part of life to a whole new one. And it can feel like one long, scary, dark tunnel but you have to come out the other side. Because what’s been waiting there, might be glorious.
As people, we spend our entire lives planning and preparing for our future. As women, we plan the perfect wedding and birth process. For me, neither have ever gone as planned. The wedding I had planned quickly fell apart and I never got married so what should I have expected when I planned out the birth of my first child?
All my life, I have planned for a natural pregnancy, natural childbirth, followed up with breastfeeding my child until they were ready for solid foods. I wrote out and had my birth plan ready - no epidural, no unnatural water breaking, no membrane stripping, etc, etc.
So when it came to random points in my pregnancy when I needed to be put on certain medications in order to help with the process, it kind of made me feel like I was failing. Here, I should be able to deal with something that is making me uncomfortable - the nausea, the itching, the heartburn. However, what seemed so little seemed to affect not only me but my unborn child so I knew it was necessary in order to have her develop appropriately.
Come to my final appointment, 12/11/14, before my due date, why should I have expected things to fall into place and be fine? I was on the phone with my dad as the doctor came in and told him we were just waiting to make sure all was fine and then I was headed home. He told me to call him back when I got the news that all was well. Instead, I was told that after the Protein Test I took last week and my current blood pressures were unsafe therefore I should not pass go, I should not collect $200, I needed to get myself to the hospital immediately because I needed to get the baby out. I asked if I could go home, get my things, get my dog taken care of, turn off dinner... there was so much that still needed to be taken care of at that point... Dr. Stringfellow advised me not to but he couldn't control what I did when I left but made the phone call to the hospital anyways to let them know I'd be on my way. I got out to the parking lot right as I lost it. My parents were leaving their respective states that night/early morning to arrive in time for the delivery but instead I had to make the calls to let them know I needed them here yesterday!!! I couldn't even get the words out to Eric as I tried to tell him something was wrong and Emma was coming early... all he said was "Don't worry, I'm calling your Mom, We'll be there soon!" and those words helped settle my heart. Next phone calls were to Momma Sophia, Richard, Shelby, & Dad before I hit the house to wake up Zack and let him know we were in fact having a baby.
As I got to the house, I took my sweet time to grab the baby's & my "already packed" bag, let Shadow out to use the bathroom, gave the cat some food, and stirred dinner that was cooking in the crock pot. I left dinner on thinking there would be a slim chance that I could come home and wait it out.
Well, Zack and I made it to the hospital just to sit and wait before we were taken back to Triage where we waited some more. Labor and Delivery was full therefore the 4 of us waiting in Triage were all waiting to be induced so they advised us that we could be there a little while. The doctor came back a couple times and then came back to tell me that after close monitoring, if my blood pressure went up one more time then my only choice was an induction.
So we waited...
Blood pressure stayed below 140/90 for the next 3 checks (15 mins apart) and then the final pressure came in at 137/94... that was enough to make the call of keeping me to be induced. I asked if there was any way that we could just wait, my mom was on the way... I needed her to be here 1st. They advised against it but let me know that we could take it slow so I agreed and was finally taken back to a room on L&D.
Next Day - 12/12/14: Mom and Eric made it in around 2am and they hadn't started any kind of medications yet to induce so I was still exactly where I was before they left Alabama. Mom, Richard, Waide, Anneliese, and Nana Martha were the next to arrive around 7am... again, no changes. Come 9am it was time to be rechecked and it was official - I was still 1 1/2cm dilated, same as when I was admitted. So here came the fun part (NOT!), they decided to put in some medication to try to thin out and open the cervix and after several hours and that not progressing we ended up putting a balloon in to open it. Talk about PAINFUL! It was like being ripped open from the inside... blood started spewing for the next several hours, if that gives any indication of what was happening. Still being stubborn and trying to follow my birth plan, I refused pain meds and (most definitely) the epidural. Finally they began the Pictocin, which is the hormone to help speed up the process. However, even that was only going about 8cc's a hour.
Around 4pm they decided it'd be a good idea to check the status of the balloon. Maybe I should start with telling you that the only way they check this balloon is by taking a nice little tug on it. It works like a foley catheter and if anyone has ever had one they know that it's not meant to pull out. As Nancy took a tug, releasing one balloon (~20cc's), the other (~40cc's) was still snug in place but that tug was THE WORST PAIN I've ever felt in my life... I'm talking radiating, uncontrollable pain in every nerve in your body. Where I had only been cramping before I know could not handle the ripping out of my insides... so I agreed to the epidural.
After about 32 hours of no sleep, that epidural allowed me to get about an hour before I was up again. Dr. Stringfellow came back to let me know that they would be getting ready to break my water within the hour so be prepared, again knowing this was not how I wanted things to go. I was ready for some time with my family to help ease my mind. I was still cramping every now and again but I only felt it on the left side of my body and the right side, well, there was absolutely no feeling. I was literally having to use my arms to lift my leg just to rotate in the bed. As my brother and Waide were in there cutting up and making jokes, I realized that he may have just made me laugh so hard that I peed on myself (I had no feeling now from the waste down, I could only feel temp changes on my skin). Just to be sure I had to check to see if it was just the blood still spewing but it was in fact clear but it also had no color. Hmm... could this be what my water breaking was supposed to feel like? My mom checked me out before we called Nurse Nancy just to realize it was more blood. So as the doctor and Nancy came back in, I let them know about what had happened. The doctor took a look and said it was okay and we could just change the pads I was lying on but Nancy happened to notice "the sac"... yeah, I literally laughed so hard my water DID break and ON ITS OWN!! FINALLY, something was going the way it was supposed to.
The Anesthetist finally came back to check on me and I told her something wasnt right. Which that was the whole reason I did not want the epidural... people make mistakes. After a quick adjustment to my back, she injected me with at least 3-4 doses of the epidural medication and left side was just as numb as the right. I don't handle pain medication very well... or rather it doesn't take much to fix the problem. So after those multiple doses, I threw up... ALOT before passing out. Finally, getting some sleep... here and there I would wake up but couldn't stay awake. I remember my brother telling me he was switching out with my mom and would see me after it was over. I remember not seeing Zack and wondering where he would be. I remember hearing my mother's voice but not being able to see her face. I was worried but too drugged up to do anything about it.
Next thing I knew, it was a little after 8pm when I was being woken up and I had reached 10 cm and it was time to push. I still could not lift my legs, I could not open my eyes, and for the first time - I had NO CONTROL over my body... I WAS SCARED. I felt paralyzed and I remember hearing my Momma Denise and Momma Sophia telling me it was going to be okay, to calm down cause my pressure was climbing back up, to relax, and to just push.
First set of pushes - My mom's had to lift up my legs (cause I had no feeling) and the doctor told me it'd be like doing a crunch and pushing.
PUSH... HOLD... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.9,10
AGAIN
PUSH... HOLD... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.9,10
AGAIN
PUSH... HOLD... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.9,10
OK RELAX...
It was after that first set that I realized this was not supposed to be happening like this. I started crying... I couldn't control it. I couldn't tell if I was even pushing or better yet even doing it right. I had no control and anybody that knows me knows that its not a strong suit when I dont.
After another few sets, at 8:28pm, my sweet little Emma was born. At that point, I just lost it. As they laid here on my chest for the very 1st time I got frustrated... again, I had no control over my body and could not even open my eyes to look at my baby girl.
After they got her and I cleaned up, I was finally starting to come around. Still drugged but I was fighting to get some control back over my body. They prepared us to move to the Mother/Baby Floor and I attempted breastfeeding. She just wasn't going to have it though. So after no prevail, we were moved to the room that we'd stay in for the rest of our visit. They bathed Emma in the room with us while family came in to visit before heading home for the night.
Day 3 12/13/14 - I barely slept that night as I'd be up every time she moved around in the bassinet, cough, sneezed, or threw up. Emma was throwing up an awful lot for me to feel comfortable so I would try to stay up to make sure she didn't choke. By 6am, we were getting visits from nurses, doctors, change of shifts, etc, etc... so the day began. A lot of frustration started with the fact that I could not get Emma to breastfeed and she was continuing to throw up over and over again. It was hard for me to eat knowing that my baby girl was not eating either. That night we hit 24 hours of not eating and it was hard for me to deal with it. By about 11pm, I had a meltdown. I felt alone, tired, worried, scared, just about every emotion and I could not stop crying uncontrollably. My mom just held me as I held Emma crying. I finally broke and asked for bottles of formula, which was another thing that I didnt want happening. Emma finally fed for the first time and my mom encouraged me to sleep and she'd watch Emma for the night.
Day 4 12/14/15 - After finally getting some decent sleep, I finally felt better the next morning. I was more at ease and the bottles helped to get Emma eating. Again, wasnt what I wanted but I was happy that she was finally eating. In came the doctors just like the morning before. Doctor, nurse, NA, another nurse, and several lactation consultants later we were going to be released. Once we finally got home things started to settle. Emma started eating and sleeping on a regular schedule and even was sleeping decent hours over the night. I was amazed at how well she was doing.
Each day comes and goes and the only thing that I can look back and realize is that after having everything all planned out, I could never have planned to be as happy as I am every day that I look at my beautiful baby girl. I would relive every one of these moments that, at the time, broke my heart for not being what I wanted just to continue to look at Little Miss Emma's face everyday. One day, it'll be my story to tell her. My life is no where near perfect but I will say that everyday that I have this beautiful face to look at, kiss on, and love on will be perfect.
Welcome to the world Emma Marie. Your Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. There will be days that you hate us or that you wish you could trade us in for different parents but there will also be days that you realize are a little easier because you have parents that love you unconditionally and even when you make all the wrong decisions or follow the wrong paths, we will be behind you to still love you and put you right back on track. We will never let you fall or be alone in your journey. You are loved by so many people. Oh Sweet Baby Girl, I cannot promise to be perfect but I promise I will never stop loving you!!
