A Good Girl?

I'm kind of a good girl - and I'm not. I'm a good girl because I really believe in love, integrity, and respect. I'm a bad girl because I like to tease. I know that I have sex appeal in my deck of cards. But I like to get people thinking. 

Tonight I found out that apparently I'm not a very good person. What exactly defines a good person? I have not one job but 2, I pay my bills, I am good to my friends, to my family, to people in general. I am the kind of person that would go out of my way for someone just to see a smile on their face. One of my jobs - the hospital - that goes a long way. The way I see it, I want to treat people the same way that I would want someone to treat my family if they were in the same situation. My other job - as a bartender- seems to be the one that people get their panties in a bunch about. Yes, at times I dress provocitive. I mean, c'mon, its part of my job to arouse people, not to mention I get better tips showing a little skin then wearing turtle necks. Am I sleeping around? No. Am I whoring myself out? No. Am I any less of a person because of my job? No but apparently there are people that think that I am. I may not go to church everyday, I may not sing gospel music, and I may not pick up a bible everyday but that doesnt make me any less of a person either. I go out, I drink, I can stay up all night but none of that gets in the way of me getting to work on time or any other responsibilities that I may have. I am comfortable in my own life that quite frankly your judgement does not really affect who I am nor does your opinions define me. That goes for those certain family members that feel like my lifestyle is unbecoming of them... well I love you but bartending doesnt make me any less or a person or make me a bad person at all.

I've been on my own for quite some time now. Since before I left home I've held 1-3 jobs; I've done whatever it takes to pay my bills and take care of myself and every now and then daddy was there to help me out when I would get myself in a bind. Never once though did I rely on someone else to do it ALL for me. So my question is what part of my life makes me this horrible person? The great thing is... this particular person that has sparked this in my mind tonight well his opinion is pretty worthless in my eyes. Unfortunately I cannot call him out on his BS without hurting someone else that I care about so I will not but he really needs to mind his place before he oversteps boundaries that he'll regret. There are certain aspects of people's lives you just dont play with and he's skating a fine line. What he fails to realize is in the end when it comes to this matter he will lose.

Maybe its a good thing that people dont talk to me or keep me out of the loop. Their reasons are kinda heinous at this point but you know I can get defensive when it comes to people that I care about and I'm pretty sure my brutal honestly will end up making matters worse so I will play nice for now but I am going to be doing some serious thinking about whether or not I am going to be apart of a giant step in people's lives because at this point I've been dumped on the side and treated like an outsider so I am going to start acting like one.

In other thoughts...

February has come and gone. I've enjoyed my weekends bartending and getting closer to my amazing Elixir family. I also interviewed and got a new job which I start Sunday with in the hospital. Tonight is my final night in the float pool and its been such an amazing experience over the past year and a half. I've seen things that other people have not had the opportunity to see being on one floor. I've gotten experience under my belt in every department with in the hospital and learned so many new things while being in my department but its going to be nice to finally have a home dept. I think the biggest turn on about having a home is that from now on when I do overtime, I can pick and choose which depts I go to. I want to ultimately be a RN in the Emergency Department so I can go there anytime I want to now instead of just going when no one else needs someone (which is rare). Plus I can work on Pediatrics when I want to as well. Tonight I got to care for a 6 week old and a 2 month old. Every two hours I was feeding these kids and cuddling with them to get them to sleep. One little boy is in here for a cleft palate repair and the nurse was explaining to me the plan of care and showed me how his palate was completely open (which is rare). I could literally see his sinuses from inside his mouth. Both of these precious little gifts were alone tonight. It completely baffles me how parents just leave their children in hospitals without coming to visit or wanting to be with them every minute of the day. I know if I had a child in the hosptital, whether 2 weeks old or 18 years old, I would want to be by my child's side. I guess it'll be one things that I'll never understand.