"No one likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there’s nothing worse. It’s a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. And still there are times when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you realize that your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. And it’s scary as hell. Except if there’s an upside to free-falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you."
It took breaking down this past weekend and dealing with some pent up emotions to really understand the true meaning of friendship. I have several people I consider good friends, some that are just friends, some are friends just for the pure fact that I wouldn't want to deal with their BS if we weren't friends, and then there are those genuine friends that you just feel a heartfelt connection to.
As my status referred to on facebook:
I've had two people show up in my life, very unexpected, that have completely made me rethink the way I allow people in my life. One of them sat me down about 2 weeks ago right about at the beginning of my slowly inevitable 'crash and burn'. She talked to me as not only a concerned friend but as someone who has become close enough that I would call her family. A friend tells you what you want to hear, tells you the things that are going to make you feel better in the moment, listens only when its convenient for them... but a genuine friend tells you the things you NEED to hear, good or bad. She could see a change in me. She could see past the fake smile on my face and she could see it in my eyes and really in my heart that where I was going wasn't a good place. I shared the important things with some hesitation but she listened, gave advice I needed to hear, and was willing to lend that helping hand I needed when I seemed to need someone most.
The second, even more unexpected, is someone who I met recently. Someone who was just willing to listen and, again, offer the advice I needed to hear vs what I wanted to hear. Not only that, this person was also willing to physically be there for me, even if it meant just to hold me. He was also someone who could see past the "I'm okay's" and "I'll be fine's". That wasn't enough... he truly wanted to know and, to be honest, didn't let it rest til I did talk about it. Not out of meddling in others' business but to genuinely be a friend. Someone who tells you that no matter where they are or any moment will stop at the drop of the hat if you need them is like drinking a tall glass of water after you've been stuck in a desert, its refreshing and just what you needed. Further than that though, the one thing that stuck with me is when he said, "You try to be so hardcore but deep down you are soft and just want to know that someone is there for you."
He could see past those walls that I've spent putting back up since my ex and I split up. I'm not going to lie... it still hurts. The pure fact of knowing that in less than ONE month I was supposed to be getting married... that burns on my soul but sometimes I just need to be reminded that it wasn't meant to be. Having someone who understands that situation and can empathize vs sympathize makes the advice given more worth taking.
I think the biggest reminder of know it wasn't meant to be is the fact that I would not know either of these people if I was still with him. I wouldn't of branched out and gone after the things that have wanted to do nor would I have gotten to know some of the good friends that I have now. I would have been stuck in a bubble with his friends since I was practically alienated away from the ones that I did have prior to being with him. That, of course, not being completely his fault but more of my own for allowing myself to push away from the people who I used to be close to.
It took this experience in my life to really open up my eyes to the people who were important to me. I've developed better relationships and valued the people in my life a lot more. Most of all, I found ME. I found the person that I should of recognized a long time ago. I was weak in the sense that I did not recognize my self worth and even now I sometimes struggle with self doubt but in no way do I settle for less than what I deserve; not in a relationship, friendship, job, or family.
Sometimes it just takes that falling apart for you to realize that there are people willing to help put you back together... you don't have to do it all alone!
and IF I dont tell my friends enough...
I appreciate having you guys in my life! I love you as more than just a friend but as someone who will have a permanent place in my heart.
As my status referred to on facebook:
"I've been dealing with a lot of emotions lately and it's not really easy for me to share with anybody the things that I go thru. I learned to hide emotions and be tough a long time ago so when someone genuinely wants to be there for me... it throws me off guard. When someone fights to open me up just as hard as I fight to keep those walls up, it really shows who cares."
I've had two people show up in my life, very unexpected, that have completely made me rethink the way I allow people in my life. One of them sat me down about 2 weeks ago right about at the beginning of my slowly inevitable 'crash and burn'. She talked to me as not only a concerned friend but as someone who has become close enough that I would call her family. A friend tells you what you want to hear, tells you the things that are going to make you feel better in the moment, listens only when its convenient for them... but a genuine friend tells you the things you NEED to hear, good or bad. She could see a change in me. She could see past the fake smile on my face and she could see it in my eyes and really in my heart that where I was going wasn't a good place. I shared the important things with some hesitation but she listened, gave advice I needed to hear, and was willing to lend that helping hand I needed when I seemed to need someone most.
The second, even more unexpected, is someone who I met recently. Someone who was just willing to listen and, again, offer the advice I needed to hear vs what I wanted to hear. Not only that, this person was also willing to physically be there for me, even if it meant just to hold me. He was also someone who could see past the "I'm okay's" and "I'll be fine's". That wasn't enough... he truly wanted to know and, to be honest, didn't let it rest til I did talk about it. Not out of meddling in others' business but to genuinely be a friend. Someone who tells you that no matter where they are or any moment will stop at the drop of the hat if you need them is like drinking a tall glass of water after you've been stuck in a desert, its refreshing and just what you needed. Further than that though, the one thing that stuck with me is when he said, "You try to be so hardcore but deep down you are soft and just want to know that someone is there for you."
He could see past those walls that I've spent putting back up since my ex and I split up. I'm not going to lie... it still hurts. The pure fact of knowing that in less than ONE month I was supposed to be getting married... that burns on my soul but sometimes I just need to be reminded that it wasn't meant to be. Having someone who understands that situation and can empathize vs sympathize makes the advice given more worth taking.
I think the biggest reminder of know it wasn't meant to be is the fact that I would not know either of these people if I was still with him. I wouldn't of branched out and gone after the things that have wanted to do nor would I have gotten to know some of the good friends that I have now. I would have been stuck in a bubble with his friends since I was practically alienated away from the ones that I did have prior to being with him. That, of course, not being completely his fault but more of my own for allowing myself to push away from the people who I used to be close to.
It took this experience in my life to really open up my eyes to the people who were important to me. I've developed better relationships and valued the people in my life a lot more. Most of all, I found ME. I found the person that I should of recognized a long time ago. I was weak in the sense that I did not recognize my self worth and even now I sometimes struggle with self doubt but in no way do I settle for less than what I deserve; not in a relationship, friendship, job, or family.
Sometimes it just takes that falling apart for you to realize that there are people willing to help put you back together... you don't have to do it all alone!
and IF I dont tell my friends enough...
I appreciate having you guys in my life! I love you as more than just a friend but as someone who will have a permanent place in my heart.
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