I Can Do Bad All By Myself!

I don't need no one to put me down,

I'm on the ground can't get no lower.

And I don't need no one to hang around an make me frown 

just makes me look older.

And I don't need no one to black my eye an tell me lies

Don't wanna cry over nobody else

No, I can do bad all by myself!

I feel like lately I have been fighting a losing battle. I have struggled with my emotions over the past couple of months because I have not been clear headed enough to make the right decisions. However, it seems the further I distance myself from certain people, the clearer its become... they are toxic! I've been used for some people's sick and twisted amusement while others have just used me when it was convenient for them. Sad part is I've realized that I have done that to some of the people that I probably should of valued a little more. When you find someone good in your life, its both of your responsibility to nurture that friendship, not one person over the other. I've found myself in too many one-sided friendships lately and it made me realize that I need to step back and find the people who actually want to be apart of my life.

Many of my relationship - friends, romantic interests, coworkers - have been toxic lately. I've pulled myself back from certain individuals that I used to hang out with on a regular basis. Some of those people wanted to take, take, take, but were never willing to give. Sometimes just the simple, "Are you okay?" made all the difference and that's not a very hard thing to do. As for my romantic endeavors, no one has quite fit the bill just yet. I've been interested in less than a handful of people but for some reason find myself pulling back from some of them just the same. One seemed perfect, maybe too perfect, and that terrified me; the other is everything I wanted in someone except  for he's way too childish and brings about a lot of drama; and the other well I'm still in the process of figuring him out. Regardless, each of them are toxic in their own way but one more so than the rest. Coworkers, well, they are a toxic situation all in their own. I've sat here and wondered why in the world I have been so unhappy and I will have to say that has been the biggest reason. One person in particular is so freakin toxic that the nicest way for me to talk about her is to just call her a venomous snake. She will get her teeth into you and it may sting at first and you think you're fine but she slowly eats away at you without you even realizing it. A job that I've loved for so long has become a chore knowing that I have to see her face day in and day out. It literally made me physically sick and I did not return to work for over a week and when I did... it was to give my notice and bow out gracefully before I honestly lost all of my humanity and compassion in my line of work.

While I've talked about all this toxicity, I know that I may not have been the most empowering person either. I am sure that I have been pretty toxic to some people all the same. Thing is... I want to make myself better. I want things for myself that some people will never even know about. I want to be the friend that people need because they know I will never turn my back on them. I want to be the romantic interest you need in your life because you know that I will make you better just as you will make me better. While I am told that I am incredibly good at what I do in my line of work, I want someone to be scared to lose me. People constantly kick dirt in my face but at the end of the day, I am realizing that all I need to do is rinse the sand out of my eyes and keep on trucking.

I've made a plan and I've set goals for myself lately that I have actually followed thru on. People have asked me about the ring on my finger... that is one of my goals. No, I'm not a "born again virgin" but I'm worth taking the time to get to know. I have found that I've emotionally invested myself in a couple of people that will never reciprocate but continue to use. There are times that I am going to stumble and fall but I'm still going to get back up and keep moving forward because I know what I deserve as a person, I know what other people deserve from me, but most of all I know that some people have been getting pieces of me that they never deserved whether it be my time, my feelings, or my emotions. Its just about time I step up and show people who I really am.