Headed towards the Finish Line

"Going through that traumatic time of being heartbroken and then being pregnant turned my whole life upside down and inside out and just knocked the wind out of me. But I got so much out of that."

-Bridget Moynahan

When I say that being pregnant turned my life around... it is an absolute understatement. Here it was, another failed try at a relationship, another quit my job as a bartender, stopped drinking so much, made up my mind that I was moving, and was just 2 months shy of making that intended move. 

I remember that day like it was yesterday, the day I found out I was pregnant. At the time, I spent majority of my time on the road as my job required lots of traveling. Which, of course, meant I had a lot of time to think. I was driving back from Mt. Airy when, out of nowhere, my emotions got the best of me. I remember bawling my eyes out and praying to God to give me some kind of answers. I did not understand why I was such an emotional wreck, hell, was I becoming bi-polar? I told myself by the time I hit the Winston line that I was going to the hospital. I could not understand where this "depression" was coming from. After working in the hospital for so long, I knew the typical questions that were coming up... "Do you feel safe at home?", "Is anyone hurting you?", "Are you or is there a chance that you could be pregnant?". So I stopped by the store before I got to the house and bought 2 test. I went straight to the bathroom when I got home and took test #1... IMMEDIATELY it was POSITIVE. There had to be a mistake. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant. The test wasn't supposed to result that quickly. Test #2... same results. I was scared to get off the toilet, but when I finally managed to get the feeling back in my legs I went straight to my roommate in tears because I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to say. When I held the test out in my hands, the words could not come out of my mouth, I was still in shock. 

I remember feeling so many emotions at once. I was disappointed, I was excited, I was SCARED! Oddly enough, my first (AND ONLY) phone call was to my older sister. I knew if there was ANYONE that understood what was going on or what I was feeling, it would be her. She did manage to settle my fears and help get myself back in check.  

I had to wait a couple weeks before I was able to get into the doctor's office... 16 days seemed like a year as I was wondering just how far along I was. Because I did not have that answer, I was terrified to tell my parents about my pregnancy. I knew their very first questions would be the time frame along with who the father was. I am not going to lie, I wasn't sure at 1st but I knew it was between the 2 people that I had been involved with off and on. When I went to the first doctor's appointment, they gave me my options and confirmed I was pregnant. 

"Well thanks doc you're about 2 weeks late and I have already considered my options, but how far along am I??

"Oh, well, we will have to do an ultrasound in order to determine that. We'll schedule an ultrasound appointment for a later date."  

I about lost my mind!! However, I was able to talk the receptionist into scheduling my appointment ASAP, which went from a month away to 2 days later. The upside to knowing people!! So 2 days later I found out I was 12 1/2 weeks pregnant. There it was... I had all my answers even if I did not want to come to terms with them. 

Again, I called my sister and tried to figure out how to break the news to my parents. I wanted to tell them in person but they are all so far away so I decided that, once again, I'd wait. I originally was scheduled to visit for Jaxon's birthday party but that got cancelled at the last minute so I was left back at square one. My mom was happy but wondered why I had not told her sooner and dad, well, I heard he was not too excited to find out thru a text message (but he was in school and not even home so I had no idea how to guarantee he got the message). There it was... the news was out!!!

About a month later, I was scheduled for another ultrasound and this time I was to find out the sex of the baby. My mother and Ava came into town for the appointment which made a world of difference. Talk about a time needing your mother... that's it. Again, I was scared and excited to find out whether I'd be welcoming a little girl or a little boy into the world. The appointment happened so fast and there on the screen in front of me was my very active LITTLE GIRL! As bad as I wanted the results to be a boy, I quickly adjusted to the idea of a little girl coming into my life in the next 5 months. From there, Little Miss Emma Marie was established. This is also when my sister went from being my go-to person to Negative Nancy. She was constantly telling me how bad life was about to be and even went as far as telling me I could not name my daughter Emma and if I did then she was going to have another daughter and there would be 2 Emma's in the family. 

So the next 4 months just seemed to be a blur. I had the final fallout with my sister after her "You're such a bitch, no one would tell you that you should of had an abortion" comment, Zack and I had our fallouts, and I started to realize who my real friends were. Trust me, being pregnant shows you who is really there for you and those who only want you around when they are looking to go out for a good time. I also went from being constantly confused over my feelings for the one person I've always been in love with to knowing exactly where they need to stand at this time in my life. I learned that it was important to get all your ducks in a row because you are not the only one to think about anymore. Being pregnant changed my ideas on life and changed me as a person. I've watched this little girl grow inside me... kicking and twirling... I've seen her move from side to side from the outside. It is one thing to know that I'm developing this little gem inside but it is a whole other thing to see her press her head, butt, or foot against my insides. Being pregnant has not been easy. I've been scared multiple times but I truly could not have come this far without my amazing family and friends that I have on my support team. 

So here we are...

Today, we have hit 37 weeks. Only 3 weeks left to go... 21 days... less than a month! I have fallen in love with this little girl and I have not even met her yet. The anticipation is killing me and I cannot wait to be holding her in my arms. I cannot wait to see the smile on her face, to dry her tears, to give her the love and support only a mother can give. I want to give this little girl the world! The idea of giving birth terrifies me... the idea that I may not have all the answers, I may suck at being a mom, that I may do something wrong... it all scares me to death. However, there is some level of comfort in knowing that my family is behind me 100% (minus my sister), Emma's father is planning on being involved and his family is excited about their future grandbaby, and our friends support us both in every way possible. I could not have done this without Jen holding me as I stood in front of her showing her my results, Carolyn holding my hand at that very 1st appt, Boone throwing me an amazing baby shower, Stanley always looking out for my best interests & being my body guard, and - MOSTLY - my brother for cheering me up when I cried, constantly reminding me that he's always got my back, and just simply letting me know how much he loves me.     

So here is to 3 more weeks of sleepless nights, off-kilter sleeping patterns, feeling sick, the indigestion, the constant need to pee, and the uncomfortable sensations that happen on a constant & regular basis. 

Intentions

Our intentions are always pure. We always want to do what’s right but we also have the drive to push boundaries so we’re in danger of taking things too far. We’re told to do no harm while we’re trained to cut you open with a knife. So we do things when we should have let will enough alone because it’s hard to admit when there’s no problem to treat. To let it alone before we make it so much worse. Before we cause such terrible damage.

We constantly tell ourselves that we do everything with the best of intentions. Sometimes, we fail to realize that we do not always know what is best. Some of us are selfish and do what is best us, while others are selfless and still end up with the same end result. I've been struggling over the past few months, after learning of my pregnancy, on figuring out what is best for me and the baby. While I know the reasoning in my heart for everything I want to happen, I have been called selfish for trying to do what is best. Decisions aren't as easy to make when there is more than one life involved and now there are 3 or more to consider.



The hardest part of this pregnancy has been reading a text my very own sister sent me telling me that I'm such a bitch to everyone that no one would tell me that I should of had an abortion. Why, you ask? Well because she hates the way things have turned out in her life and instead of making things better, she chooses to be bitter. It's hard to imagine that someone's hatred could affect me the way that it did. So here I am trying to figure out how to bridge a gap between someone who wished death on my unborn child or wonder if it's even worth it. I cried ALL DAY the day I got that text message and it still pops up in my head on a regular basis. How do you get something like that out of your mind?



Then, there is figuring out life after the baby is born. I think we both have the best of intentions when it comes to what we want when Emma gets here but wondering if that's how things are supposed to be is a lingering thought. I have to say pre-baby hasn't been easy and pre - prebaby has been even harder. I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not making the right decisions, I'm scared that I'm going to be unhappy, I'm scared that I'm scared. I dont admit to that often so it's staring me right in the face as I've entered my final 30 days (quite possibly less) before Emma's arrival.



I think the greatest decision that I made though was moving out of my current living arrangements due to the fact that the drug-addict roommate would not leave or pay his bills on time which left the constant threat of the other 2 of us being evicted. Selfish at its finest! However, the worst part about it was leaving one of my friends. It's just not the same without seeing her everyday and that little butthead, Carl. :)