Intentions

Our intentions are always pure. We always want to do what’s right but we also have the drive to push boundaries so we’re in danger of taking things too far. We’re told to do no harm while we’re trained to cut you open with a knife. So we do things when we should have let will enough alone because it’s hard to admit when there’s no problem to treat. To let it alone before we make it so much worse. Before we cause such terrible damage.

We constantly tell ourselves that we do everything with the best of intentions. Sometimes, we fail to realize that we do not always know what is best. Some of us are selfish and do what is best us, while others are selfless and still end up with the same end result. I've been struggling over the past few months, after learning of my pregnancy, on figuring out what is best for me and the baby. While I know the reasoning in my heart for everything I want to happen, I have been called selfish for trying to do what is best. Decisions aren't as easy to make when there is more than one life involved and now there are 3 or more to consider.



The hardest part of this pregnancy has been reading a text my very own sister sent me telling me that I'm such a bitch to everyone that no one would tell me that I should of had an abortion. Why, you ask? Well because she hates the way things have turned out in her life and instead of making things better, she chooses to be bitter. It's hard to imagine that someone's hatred could affect me the way that it did. So here I am trying to figure out how to bridge a gap between someone who wished death on my unborn child or wonder if it's even worth it. I cried ALL DAY the day I got that text message and it still pops up in my head on a regular basis. How do you get something like that out of your mind?



Then, there is figuring out life after the baby is born. I think we both have the best of intentions when it comes to what we want when Emma gets here but wondering if that's how things are supposed to be is a lingering thought. I have to say pre-baby hasn't been easy and pre - prebaby has been even harder. I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not making the right decisions, I'm scared that I'm going to be unhappy, I'm scared that I'm scared. I dont admit to that often so it's staring me right in the face as I've entered my final 30 days (quite possibly less) before Emma's arrival.



I think the greatest decision that I made though was moving out of my current living arrangements due to the fact that the drug-addict roommate would not leave or pay his bills on time which left the constant threat of the other 2 of us being evicted. Selfish at its finest! However, the worst part about it was leaving one of my friends. It's just not the same without seeing her everyday and that little butthead, Carl. :)