Dear John

Dear John,

I sit and stare at the walls, I look thru the pictures, I go thru the motions every day, and some how I feel that I am just not there. I feel like I have built this life around me rather than for me. I lost myself the day I lost you. It was for the better but now I look in the mirror and wonder did I just start back at square one? Why do I feel lost again? Things are changing and I have no idea how to make them stop. I've lost you and I cannot find my way back to you when that is all I seem to crave. 

I'm living a life that should of been revolved around you. I admit I'm a failure. I was living a lie - You expected and wanted so many things from me and eventually I convinced myself I wanted them too... some how more than you. What if I would of said no when I first met you? What if I would of stuck with my first instinct? From day one I knew I would be the one giving in everytime but again, some how I convinced myself that is what I wanted... to lose myself in you. Now, what do I have to show for it? I beat myself up day and night because its finally stuck me right in the gut with the fact that I FAILED. 

The appetite I once had for life is gone. 

But can I tell you a secret?

Failure was never an option.

You see I cried. I was ready to give up. I was begging to rid you from my life, to give me someone who would truly love me unconditionally, to take away the pain that I've felt, and what I was given was much more than I could ever imagine. However, this is where I have hit my rut. 

You see, I see the pain your eyes for it matches the pain in mine. The only difference is I have felt mine far longer than you. I didn't give up on you... I've simply waited. Sometimes I wonder if I waited too long or maybe just not enough. I pull and you push but when you pull, I push for I am scared of you. I am scared of what you do to me. I am scared of the way you make me feel. Most of all, I'm scared that we are both so scared because we know we can make it work but are too stubborn to do so. 

Do you see what you do to me?

Am I delusional? 

More than likely but I deal with it. I put one foot in front of the other and I keep on going. I make things work day in and day out but more than likely that is why I'm just living in a shell. Some how I need to find my way back for the sake of myself and those around me. I gave too much when you gave too little. Yet, I am stuck feeling that I still didnt give enough. Some things will never change while the things that needed to did. Sometimes that still just isnt enough!