Someday I Will Suddenly Leave

“I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...” 

― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Today was the day that I lost it. 

I've called my parents just about every day for the past week and cried. "I cant do this anymore", "I hate feeling this way", and "I'm tired of it" are in every conversation that I have. I've tried over and over again to get thru to Emma's father that he needs to be involved with her. Time and time again it goes back to the same thing. How do we live in the same house and yet he can ignore not only me but his child? He purposely avoids the rooms that we are in and when he is in the same room - not a word is spoken. He never comes home after he gets off work. He sleeps until he goes back to work. On his days off, he just sits there like a stump and says nothing as he stares at the tv all day. He doesnt even acknowledge Emma when she cries just sits there lifelessly watching tv or on his phone. The only reason I know that he knows we exist is because his mother will text me when she knows or sees that I am upset and I can only assume texts both him and me to figure out what is going on. He always has an excuse for his behavior - mostly that he "isnt going to ask". Well, I'm tired of offering. I am tired of trying with him. I am tired of the lack of communication. I am tired of fighting a losing battle. I sat on my daughter's bedroom floor Sunday night crying my eyes out over the phone to my mom just asking what to do. I hate being angry all the time. I hate that my daughter is being ignored. I hate that I chose to stay in NC and live like this so her father could be involved and yet he does not take advantage of it.

I am tired... just tired!

So what events led to the breakdown today? Another afternoon of us being ignored as he sat on the couch watching tv before leaving for work without saying a word. Letting my dog out and him running down the road with a dog that was on the loose outside. Beating his ass for making me chase him all the way down the road. Shaking because I was that upset and barely have the energy. 

Meanwhile, Emma wakes up and starts crying.

All I could do was pick her up, take her to her bed, and shut the door. I was still shaking from dealing with Shadow. As I shut the door behind me, I just fell to the floor and cried. Not a I'm just upset cry, but an uncontrollable sobbing kinda cry. I cried as I listened to my baby cry because I knew there was nothing I could do to console her at that moment knowing I could not be consoled. She didn't stop which meant I didn't stop. Me being upset had nothing to do with her but I wanted to make sure that my anger would in no way be pushed on to her if I could not get her to stop crying - which is why I put her in her bed and for the 1st time walked away. 

I walked outside and I got some fresh air. The cold helped calm my nerves enough to be shaking from being cold and not being upset. I was finally able to get my own crying under control.

As I came back inside, Emma was still crying. I walked in her room and as I picked her up, all I could do was hold her close and apologize to her for not being able to keep myself together. It's not her fault but again I started crying as I held her. She stopped crying and just looked at me before reaching to touch my face. That was THE MOST heartfelt moment I have ever had with a human being. She isnt but a month old and she knew her momma was hurting. It was that moment that consoled me. It was that moment that made me happy that I am her mother and no one can take that away.

I've never been a big sharer when it comes to my feelings. I bottle things up until they get so bad that I explode and destroy everything around me. I have talked to my parents more about my feelings and about what was going on than I ever have and that alone has helped me not kill anyone yet. His mom has listened to my frustrations and has helped me to cope with some of the situations. I am not someone that will ask for help but I'm learning that I am going to have to or else this situation is going to get the best of me. I have left town, even the state, to keep myself from losing it. Being around my family helps which is why I was moving to Alabama last year. I have his family and my close friends here but as much as I love them - nothing compares to having my own family to support me. I was called selfish and a bitch for wanting to be around people who would help me and my daughter but never once did I say that to him for making me stay to be around his family since he has no intentions of ever leaving. He told me after telling him about a guy friend of mine's lady leaving with his child that if I ever took her away he'd kill me and when asked "Kill? Isnt that extreme?" He said "Yes". So I am supposed to stay in NC? I'd like to see him try. If and when I decide to leave, I will do just that and WITH my daughter.

So this weekend, I will be back on the road. I will be leaving to spend time with my family and getting away from this toxic situation. When I get back, I will be coming back to a new job and working on making arrangements to get Emma and myself into a new living arrangement. There are a lot of things that I want for my daughter but for me to hate her father, is not one of them. If there is any chance for us to be amicable in the future then I need to get out of this situation now before the resentment REALLY sets in.

I Knew It Wasn't Gonna Be Easy!

You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow, they will be a little older than they were today. This day is a gift, breathe and notice, smell and touch them; study their faces and little feet and pay attention, relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today Mama, it'll be over before you know it.

-Jen Hatmaker

You know when you have those days in life that you feel overwhelmed and know your day isn't going to go as planned? Well, try being a single mother and realizing that is every day. Nobody asks to do it alone or to be a single parent. We plan out our lives knowing that if we are going to have children then it's going to be with someone we love and someone we are with in a committed relationship. Sometimes, we make mistakes though. Yes, I said mistake, but in NO WAY am I calling my child a mistake. Some people don't wrap it up or take birth control but, all too often, those methods fail.  

I never thought I'd be having a child. I wasn't prepared to become a mother. I lost my "want to be" a mother a long time ago. I certainly wasn't living the mother life but becoming a mother has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. 

First off, let me start by saying - given the circumstances and knowing who my daughter's father was, I knew that this wasnt going to be easy but I wanted to try. I wanted to give my daughter the chance that many kids arent afforded. I wanted him to be involved in her life knowing that there was not a chance that we were going to be one big happy family. I wanted him to be able to comfort her when she cried, to change her diapers, to wake up in the middle of the night to be with her, basically, to be the father that gets to grow up with his daughter - so I moved in with him so we could co-parent and so I didnt have to do this alone.

but what I learned was I became a single mother anyways. I got up in the middle of the night all by myself. Only my life had to change. I lost a lot of sleep. I no longer had any time to myself. I barely shower alone. Sometimes, its easier to take a bath with the baby so you can kill two birds with one stone. Cooking a meal is harder but I never realized just trying to eat a meal was going to be as difficult as it has been. Cleaning? What is that? Me, being the semi-neat freak that I am, I get frustrated with the mess. I didnt sign up for the attitudes or the jealousy. I didnt sign up to be a live in nanny or a maid. Frustration turns into getting overwhelmed and that just leads to pure resentment. 

I've been angry. I've lost my temper (never with Emma). I've packed up my things and left town for a weekend or an entire week at times. I've threatened to move out of state to be with people who would help me. Now, I'm working on find a new home for both Emma and myself. 

I'm incredibly thankful for some of the support that I have received over the past month. My parents have talked me off cliffs, they've been supportive, they've wiped away my tears when I've been at the end of my rope, and they've continued to give me advice even if its some that I dont want to hear. His mother, has been supportive as well. She hasnt taken sides and she has been the buffer for some of our  more heated conversations but most of all, I think, she's opened his eyes to his own selfishness on occasions. My friends, well they can be a little one sided but who's friends arent? They have seen some of the comments made and have listened when I needed someone to talk to and some have even calmed me down when I've been driven to tears from my anger. 

So here I am. 

I knew taking care of my daughter was going to have difficult times. Lord knows, there are many more to come in the future. I also know that it's not always going to be difficult. We are going to have good times, great times, and some indescribable times. My daughter is changing my life in ways I never thought possible and I am okay with that. I miss working, I miss being with my friends, I miss not having to make plans weeks in advance in order to be free for one night, I miss the nights I didnt come home, I miss being spontaneous, I miss being able to meet new people but I am glad that I do not have to miss out on some of her important first moments. Her first smile, her first laugh, her first full night's sleep, and there are so many first moments I will never have to miss out on. That is the joy of being a mother. 

I know there will be rough days but I also know it wont always be this hard. It's going to get better because it cant possibly get any worse. I will always do what is best for Emma even if it means not having or doing what I want. I am going to make a better life for me and my daughter no matter what it cost because that is what she deserves. 

I knew it wasnt going to be easy, but I knew I could get thru it even if it meant getting thru it alone!