You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow, they will be a little older than they were today. This day is a gift, breathe and notice, smell and touch them; study their faces and little feet and pay attention, relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today Mama, it'll be over before you know it.
-Jen Hatmaker
You know when you have those days in life that you feel overwhelmed and know your day isn't going to go as planned? Well, try being a single mother and realizing that is every day. Nobody asks to do it alone or to be a single parent. We plan out our lives knowing that if we are going to have children then it's going to be with someone we love and someone we are with in a committed relationship. Sometimes, we make mistakes though. Yes, I said mistake, but in NO WAY am I calling my child a mistake. Some people don't wrap it up or take birth control but, all too often, those methods fail.
I never thought I'd be having a child. I wasn't prepared to become a mother. I lost my "want to be" a mother a long time ago. I certainly wasn't living the mother life but becoming a mother has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
First off, let me start by saying - given the circumstances and knowing who my daughter's father was, I knew that this wasnt going to be easy but I wanted to try. I wanted to give my daughter the chance that many kids arent afforded. I wanted him to be involved in her life knowing that there was not a chance that we were going to be one big happy family. I wanted him to be able to comfort her when she cried, to change her diapers, to wake up in the middle of the night to be with her, basically, to be the father that gets to grow up with his daughter - so I moved in with him so we could co-parent and so I didnt have to do this alone.
but what I learned was I became a single mother anyways. I got up in the middle of the night all by myself. Only my life had to change. I lost a lot of sleep. I no longer had any time to myself. I barely shower alone. Sometimes, its easier to take a bath with the baby so you can kill two birds with one stone. Cooking a meal is harder but I never realized just trying to eat a meal was going to be as difficult as it has been. Cleaning? What is that? Me, being the semi-neat freak that I am, I get frustrated with the mess. I didnt sign up for the attitudes or the jealousy. I didnt sign up to be a live in nanny or a maid. Frustration turns into getting overwhelmed and that just leads to pure resentment.
I've been angry. I've lost my temper (never with Emma). I've packed up my things and left town for a weekend or an entire week at times. I've threatened to move out of state to be with people who would help me. Now, I'm working on find a new home for both Emma and myself.
I'm incredibly thankful for some of the support that I have received over the past month. My parents have talked me off cliffs, they've been supportive, they've wiped away my tears when I've been at the end of my rope, and they've continued to give me advice even if its some that I dont want to hear. His mother, has been supportive as well. She hasnt taken sides and she has been the buffer for some of our more heated conversations but most of all, I think, she's opened his eyes to his own selfishness on occasions. My friends, well they can be a little one sided but who's friends arent? They have seen some of the comments made and have listened when I needed someone to talk to and some have even calmed me down when I've been driven to tears from my anger.
So here I am.
I knew taking care of my daughter was going to have difficult times. Lord knows, there are many more to come in the future. I also know that it's not always going to be difficult. We are going to have good times, great times, and some indescribable times. My daughter is changing my life in ways I never thought possible and I am okay with that. I miss working, I miss being with my friends, I miss not having to make plans weeks in advance in order to be free for one night, I miss the nights I didnt come home, I miss being spontaneous, I miss being able to meet new people but I am glad that I do not have to miss out on some of her important first moments. Her first smile, her first laugh, her first full night's sleep, and there are so many first moments I will never have to miss out on. That is the joy of being a mother.
I know there will be rough days but I also know it wont always be this hard. It's going to get better because it cant possibly get any worse. I will always do what is best for Emma even if it means not having or doing what I want. I am going to make a better life for me and my daughter no matter what it cost because that is what she deserves.
I knew it wasnt going to be easy, but I knew I could get thru it even if it meant getting thru it alone!
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