True Scared Unhappy Self

It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life. As children we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self.

These past couple of days have been quite the blur. It seems that every corner I've turned there has been bad news lying within the cracks. It gets hard to remain positive when things just dont seem to be going right. At some point you have to realize that I'm not asking for everything to be perfect, I'm just asking that not everything go bad at once. Here I've been sitting on my happy cloud a little oblivious to other people around me that I did not realize that a good friend of mine was having health issues until she was put into the hospital for a heart attack. She is young still and it just brings about the reality that things like this happen. Just yesterday she was more concerned about how I was doing after my breakup with Ryan and how we were going to plan for her to come visit but she didnt even share that they brought her into surgery. She is doing better now since the surgery but really we were talking more about me then her and she is the one in the hospital. Fail on my part!

Then I found out a friend of mine committed suicide yesterday. I dont quite understand what possesses someone to go thru with taking their own life but I guess I came pretty close last year so it is something I should be more familiar with. It raised the questions of "could I have been a better friend", "how did I not see the warning signs", or "did I not listen when they cried out for help". I have been in my own world lately. Working all the time & going out with new friends that maybe I didnt put enough effort into being there for the old friends. It will always make you wonder "what could I have done differently". 

Thanks to my wonderful Elixir Family though for taking my mind off of things last night. I was pretty much a mess and just wanted to cry but I knew if I did that I wouldnt be able to shut off those emotions. I've been strong for so long, I didnt want to fall back into that sad, pitiful place I was 4-6 months ago. That was a scary place and time and I never want to see myself like that again. 

Well, I have another week before I go to my new department. I am looking forward to it and having a place to call home in the hospital. Floating has been such a wonderful experience and I've learned so many incredible things in so many different specialties but I know that I am good at what I do and my talents will best be utilized in the department that I will be transferring to in the coming days. Just hoping the transition runs smoothly and things start turning around.

Spending tonight with my babies and watching Encino Man (its only one of my favorite movies)!! Pauly Shore never ceases to make me laugh. 

A Year in Pictures - February 28th, 2013

And our night continued!

A Year in Pictures - February 27th, 2013

Because at Elixir we are a family!

Fixing the Damage

"We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves, to other people. The problem is trying to control the damage we've done, or thats been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage."

February has been an incredible month. Its hard to believe that it is almost over. I've made some great friends and feel like I'm losing others wayyyy too soon. I know we cannot control fate or the things that happen but I hate when things you can control just dont turn out like you'd like them too. On the other hand, this month has also included me getting a job in a different dept and making advancements in my career. Doors have opened in places that I didnt think were possible and I even got the news that I will be able to talk to Hawaii for a whole other month as his trip has been delayed to Afghanistan. Unfortunately, he cannot come home to visit, he must stay in the state of Hawaii til he moves overseas. September seems so far away but I'm glad the months also seem to be flying by.

Today has been particularly rough because even though I've had the date April 15th embedded into my head, it is just now hitting me that I'm not going to have one of my best friends close by anymore. She'll be leaving for boot camp and then who knows where she may end up after that. It breaks my heart because I will not find another person like her and she is certainly not replaceable. I am starting a travel to Tori fund! haha So as I'm driving back from the mountains it just kinda jarred me and here I was driving down 77 and feeling like my world just caved because shortly after coming to this realization did I get the news that my friend has had a heart attack and in the hospital. She's young and it just brings about the reality that this could happen to anybody and I'm not ready to lose my friends or family this way.

Soooo Victoria and I went on a dinner date to Village Tavern. Its right around the corner from my place and some how I've never been there or heard of it up until recently. The food was amazing but of course the second I walk in I'm already wanting to leave. I'm completely taken off guard by the person standing behind the bar and clearly I came off as rude when he realized too I was there (just to ease the wondering minds, no it wasnt the ex-fiance). Its funny how you react to certain situations sometimes. I've allowed people to treat me like shit time and time again but at some point you have to realize that you are worth more than that. Then again, I am a glutton for punishment and I allow it to happen. If there is anything I've learned over the last 6 months, it's I've got a lot to offer someone and if they cannot see that then it's their loss. I've spent to much time giving into people, listening to excuses, and/or being used as a doormat. In this case, I simply had no idea what to do. When you make plans and then get blown off... not once, not twice, more than 3x... you tend to get a little pissed off. So that is where I was when I walked into this place tonight... Blown off today and not even a courtesy response when I asked twice, 2 days prior and the day prior, whether or not he was still planning to go with me. Of course I'm the overly dramatic one for not being too friendly when I see this kid again! haha Oh well, cant make everyone's day everyday and certainly did not have the energy to entertain someone that thinks so little of me anyways.

My tolerance for BS has dropped. I'm not big on it, I'd just rather it not be apart of my life. Regardless, I'm sticking to my happy thoughts = happy actions/reactions. Work has been a little stressful lately but I only have another week and a half before I move to Cardiology. I'm excited to move forward and ready to settle down for a change. I love where I am right now. Everything seems to be falling into place and is better than I would of thought it would be a year ago, even from six months ago. Just keep on reminding myself of that little flame I'm keeping lit... it keeps me going day in and day out. I've said it before and I'll say it again ... I'm built tough and even when I get pushed passed the point of breaking, I only come out on top! Its the only thing I know how to do! 

A Year in Pictures - February 26th, 2013

Dinner Date with one of my best friends!

Her mountain of spaghetti squash 

and

My amazingly cooked Salmon! 

Village Tavern for the 1st time

A Year in Pictures - February 25th, 2013

New Hair! 

YES AGAIN!

Cant really tell the blonde that we put back in it!

It's beautiful...

I love Heather!

A Year in Pictures - February 24th, 2013

Took everything I had not to beat Shadow within inches of his life today! 

Cannot believe him...

A Year in Pictures - February 23rd, 2013

Kanpai with these two was nothing short of awesome! 

Hitting on the waiter and him coming to visit me at the bar next weekend...

FUN! 

A Year in Pictures - February 22nd, 2013

My babies cuddling with Momma

A Year in Pictures - February 21st, 2013

Winterplace Ski Resort

Ghent, West Virginia

A Year in Pictures - February 20th, 2013

New Hair 

Yes same outfit but after Midnight! 

A Year in Pictures - February 19th, 2013

Loving my Yellow Pants!

A Year in Pictures - February 18th, 2013

Coolest bathroom ever!

A Year in Pictures - February 17th, 2013

Sleeping by candlelight...

Tonight is going to be special!

A Year in Pictures - February 16th, 2013

Elixir

I love going to work!

Even on slow nights!

A Year in Pictures - February 15th, 2013

Woke up to a phone call and flowers!

A Year in Pictures - February 14th, 2013

Valentine's with my baby boy! 

Followed by Valentine's with some pretty amazing friends!

Best Valentine's Ever!!

A Year in Pictures - February 13th, 2013

Because hard work does pay off!

A Year in Pictures - February 12th, 2013

Celebrating Mardi Gras with the 

Fabulous DJ HEK YEH and Heather @ Ten O One

Austin is a great bartender with the best fishbowl margarita!

A Year in Pictures - February 11th, 2013

Not sure how it happened 

but it looks worse today 

and it hurts to sit down! Haha

A Year in Pictures - February 10th, 2013

IHOP at 4am is NEVER a bad idea!

"Big Boobie Barbie"

Rocked a Mohawk

Eliza was in town

Ended up running into Tori at IHOP 

Yeah.... 

GREAT TIMES!

A Year in Pictures - February 9th, 2013

Another successful night at Elixir!

Happy Birthday Lisa

So happy Eliza came for a visit!

Need lots more of this in the near future

A Year in Pictures - February 8th, 2013

My beautiful friend & fellow bartender, Heather!

We rock it every week!

A Year in Pictures - February 7th, 2013

Cause we all know i can't leave my hair alone ;)

A Year in Pictures - February 6th, 2013

Finally was off/awake for a Beautiful day! 

Shadow Play

and

My night only got better

with my love!

A Year in Pictures - February 5th, 2013

Call me cursed or call me blessed... 

Can't handle me at my worst, 

you don't deserve me at my best! 

Thanks Marilyn Monroe, you were a great role model

Soulmates

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 

― Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love

This is going to be short and sweet. I ran across this today and realized that I used that word, "Soulmate", in a previous post and this just laid it out perfectly. We do not understand the things that happen in our lives but people come and people go to teach us things about ourselves that we either do not see or do not want to see. 

Thanks for helping me grow Ryan. 

A Year in Pictures - February 4th, 2013

This boy has loved his Momma

since Day 1

He will forever have my heart!

Going on 2 years of cuddling with this boy!

He's never been a disappointment.

A Year in Pictures - February 3rd, 2013

Hello Bartender...

Pour Me Another Round!

Got this fabulous outfit from JCPenny's for $15 

LOVING the BLUE Jeans!

and even the shirt that is sheer BLUE in the back!

(It matched the sparkly blue bra/black bustier top)

It was awesome to be slinging drinks with the fabulous Heather 
and amazing Rolo tonight!

Not to mention IHOP afterwards with Heather and Derek!

Elixir is the place to be Fri/Sat nights!!

A Year in Pictures - February 2nd, 2013

Havent seen this guy since high school!

This is why I love Skype!

Love you more Buie

Have fun in Washington :)

A Year in Pictures - February 1st, 2013

I've not been able to find a crate big enough for my poor Shadow

so he's been staying in the same medium sized kennel

since I got him in November.

Well this morning I came home to an extra large kennel!

I thank God everyday for my amazing friends!

Thanks again Lisa

for finding this for me and Shadow!