True Scared Unhappy Self

It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life. As children we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared unhappy self.

These past couple of days have been quite the blur. It seems that every corner I've turned there has been bad news lying within the cracks. It gets hard to remain positive when things just dont seem to be going right. At some point you have to realize that I'm not asking for everything to be perfect, I'm just asking that not everything go bad at once. Here I've been sitting on my happy cloud a little oblivious to other people around me that I did not realize that a good friend of mine was having health issues until she was put into the hospital for a heart attack. She is young still and it just brings about the reality that things like this happen. Just yesterday she was more concerned about how I was doing after my breakup with Ryan and how we were going to plan for her to come visit but she didnt even share that they brought her into surgery. She is doing better now since the surgery but really we were talking more about me then her and she is the one in the hospital. Fail on my part!

Then I found out a friend of mine committed suicide yesterday. I dont quite understand what possesses someone to go thru with taking their own life but I guess I came pretty close last year so it is something I should be more familiar with. It raised the questions of "could I have been a better friend", "how did I not see the warning signs", or "did I not listen when they cried out for help". I have been in my own world lately. Working all the time & going out with new friends that maybe I didnt put enough effort into being there for the old friends. It will always make you wonder "what could I have done differently". 

Thanks to my wonderful Elixir Family though for taking my mind off of things last night. I was pretty much a mess and just wanted to cry but I knew if I did that I wouldnt be able to shut off those emotions. I've been strong for so long, I didnt want to fall back into that sad, pitiful place I was 4-6 months ago. That was a scary place and time and I never want to see myself like that again. 

Well, I have another week before I go to my new department. I am looking forward to it and having a place to call home in the hospital. Floating has been such a wonderful experience and I've learned so many incredible things in so many different specialties but I know that I am good at what I do and my talents will best be utilized in the department that I will be transferring to in the coming days. Just hoping the transition runs smoothly and things start turning around.

Spending tonight with my babies and watching Encino Man (its only one of my favorite movies)!! Pauly Shore never ceases to make me laugh.