Delicious Ambiguity

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” 

― Gilda Radner

Ambiguity is a word that means vagueness, uncertainty, and doubtfulness. Life is pretty ambiguous when I think about it. Knowing what will happen today or tomorrow or even in the next ten minutes is not something I am guaranteed. And that's been a real issue in my life for as long as I can remember. You see, I have always been the one to have a plan. Dont get me wrong I'm spontaneous but even that spontaneity is quickly a precise plan from beginning to end. Lately, I've been living day to day and allowing myself to get out of the monotonous routine I've had for my life lately. I've branched out in my career and with my friends. In doing so, I've opened doors that I've either quickly shut or found doors with higher favors then I could have ever imagined. Unfortunately, my life is far from the plan that I once set and I think that fact alone has had me confused beyond belief. No matter how hard I try, there always seems to be curveballs thrown, an  this new ambiguous lifestyle is just part of living daily. For a person like me, ambiguity can be literally gut-wrenching. The smallest things in life can throw me off with the blink of an eye. For instance, from falling for a guy, to having absolutely no romantic feelings, to feeling like there SHOULD be some feeling, to feeling straight dead inside... dont really know what direction these curveballs are trying to take me in. This is a reminder that it is okay to not have absolute control of our lives. And if we are honest with ourselves; we actually have very limited control anyway. We can only control certain things that only involve ourselves and that’s it! Rather than engage with a power struggle with fate; we can choose to go with the flow. Make the best decisions within the given space. Be brave, because it does take a lot of guts to just live. I’m not saying, don’t plan. I’m saying; please continue to plan but if life throws you off-track; try to not resist it. I truly believe that we are placed in situations where we can always benefit/learn from, and we are there because we are supposed to. When we get caught up with the whys and frustrations, we lose the ability to see the true potential of the situation.

That is what keeps me pushing forward, the craving to find out what is in store. Sometimes much of the excitement of life is watching and waiting for things to unfold. Think of a new born-as expectant parents, we talk excitedly about what specific genes we may be passing down. Will he be tall – will he be smart – will he be artistic – what if the he’s a she – all questions and all very exciting. Thats basically my mindset at this point. Our day to day lives are much the same way only we forget to look for the delicious part and tend to let ourselves concentrate on the unappetizing and yucky stuff. In church, our pastor reminded us to square our shoulders and to look for the joy in our lives. It's hard to do a lot of times. When you're constantly being surrounded by all the crap then yeah, who honestly has the time to only see the positive. I know, for me, I tend to dwell. I tend to question what I could of done differently, if I hadnt of done it or if I had done it ...

I guess, Cheers to living in the moments and to finding favor in the uncertain!