Life Will Break You!

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 

― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

Some days you just wake up and realize that something has changed in you. I've felt myself gradually pulling away from the person that I used to be and it wasn't until I was put into a situation that I realized just how much I had changed. I've given so much time and effort to other people in my life that I found that I often forgot about what was important to myself. Often times we are so busy running the race that we forget to tie our shoes and end up tripping right before the finish line. I feel like that has been my case. I've tripped up so many times and never took the time to stop and re-tie so I, too, finally tripped last year.

In all the commotion of 2012, I look back and realize that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I went from an insecure, jealous, scared person to realizing my own self worth and pretty much just indifferent to the idea of love. People these days are so hung up on finding love and are settling for the idea rather than finding that person that they are really meant to be with for the rest of their lives. This only causes pain, grudges, and walls to be built - tearing down the person from the inside out. Not saying my mind is completely set but I know what I want in a person and I know that there are some pretty big shoes to fill for that person to meet my expectations, so why hold your breath? I have become completely numb to the idea of finding someone worth my time, someone who can handle me, or someone that I could raise a family with one day... pretty much every idea I had for my life at this point I've become impartial too.

I guess as I sat here tonight and wrote a letter to my friend in boot camp, filling her in on all the things I wish I could share with her daily, it made me realize some of my true feelings. After having to deal with a childish and petty girl and having a great chat with my mom, she left me with the burning question of "What is keeping me in NC?" All of my family has now left. My nieces & nephews seem so far away even if its a 6 hr drive and I hate that I only see them a handful of times a year. Same goes for my parents, I see them 1-3 times thru out the entire year and it is hardly enough.  I've always told myself that I've stayed here for a job but is that really the reason? I've always talked about moving to GA, FL, or AL to be closer to family but I also knew that when I got married I'd never leave the close vicinity of the Western Mountains of NC (which I was ok with knowing we'd still be close to family). I just feel like I'm at a stalemate. I know what I want for my life but I'm just not sure which direction to go from here I guess. Don't get me wrong I've made some incredible friends and must say in the past few weeks alone, have met people who've completely opened my eyes. Some of these people have already become like family to me, especially my long lost sister! haha Meeting her was like looking in a mirror and having someone who's been thru the same things, ACTUALLY KNOWING what I'm talking about and KNOWS the feelings that I've been thru made a world of difference.

I think the real question for myself is "What is it that I really want?", what am I truly looking for? I think when I go on my mini vacation to the Gulf next month, I'm going to really put some effort into what the south has to offer. Maybe even make my sister start asking around for me so I can be around the babies more often? Wink, Wink! 

Sometimes you need a change of scenery to make you realize what it is you really want for your life.