Shadow met his new Roomie!
and had a play date with Stryder
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 24th, 2013
Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil
Love these people!
Tirso
Mikey
Jennifer
Joe
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 23rd, 2013
Sunday Morning:
Matt was the 1st one to pass out! haha
Adam and Annie's Housewarming/Annie's bday party!
Tommy like his Pasta Salad!
Sunday Evening:
Hot date night!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 22nd, 2013
I'm pretty sure this was the last part of the night
we all remembered!
Isnt he handsome?
Friday, June 21, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 21st, 2013
Night out with my New Roomie!
and my beautiful girls!
Our rings! Love my hubby!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 19th, 2013
Going to be selling my couches
since I wont be needing them in the new place!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 15th, 2013
Finally got the rest of the pictures up in my apartment!
At the pool party we determined...
My bruise is looking like a peace sign!
Then of course after the pool...
I got ready for my Skype Date with my Love!!
Friday, June 14, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 14th, 2013 THE BACHELORETTE PARTY
Only the BEST night of my life...
Flaming Dr. Pepper
We clean up quite nicely!
This is love!
Moving On...
"The voice in your head that says that you can't do this is a liar." There is so much to be grateful for; I can't believe I slipped and lost sight of that for even a second, much less was attacking myself about it. ENOUGH! Kicking those insecurities to the gutter where they belong with the rest of the bullshit we don't need! My heart is no longer filled with bitterness and hate. I feel like, for the 1st time, I woke up and I moved on! I realized happiness doesn't just happen, we create it!
This is a long one... but it has been the road to recovery.
The total number of days between Tuesday, August 28th, 2012 and Friday, June 14th, 2013 is 290 days.
This is equal to exactly:
9 months and 17 days.
41 weeks and 3 days.
6,960 hours.
417,600 minutes.
25,056,000 seconds
Wonder how I know that? Google! hahaha Those dates represent the time that its taken for me to really take a look and let go. That is 290 days of mixed emotions; hatred, bitterness, love, saudade, loneliness, fickle, indifferent, and lethargic to name just a few. Nine months of my life that I have been either so closed off or completely impassioned. Basically 6,960 hours of sleeping my life away, working too much, or being completely encompassed with people that were either good or bad for me. It truly is amazing how people react to situations in their lives.
At first, Ryan and I tried to remain friends. We tried being amicable over text messages/emails but knew that the only way to really get over each other was to never see each other. We stayed away... didnt hang out in the same places, with the same crowd of friends, or didnt go looking for each other. We still supported each other emotionally even though things would often lead to a heated debate, especially after I found out that a "friend" of mine actually deleted me off facebook and deliberately went after him. What they did or did not do doesnt matter to me anymore but at the time it really hurt me and helped push me into a dark, dark place. I denied that fact that we were over... I thought he would of come to his senses when he realized that we've been a "married couple" for so long that his friends would not fulfill what I did in his life. We call this stage Denial! This stage includes feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief. When loss first comes, most of us have a hard time believing “this is really happening.” It’s not that we‘re denying that the loss has actually occurred, but rather, it’s a sense of, “I just can’t believe this person I love isn’t going to walk through that door anymore.” Yet, the feelings of this stage also protect us. If we were to take in all the emotion related to the loss right away, it would be too overwhelming. Instead, our body and mind have a little time to adjust to the way things are now without. Part of the “denial” stage is also to tell our story over and over—one of the best ways to deal with trauma, and also a way for us to make it real. Eventually, we may begin asking questions such as, “How did this happen,” or “Why?” This is a sign that we are moving out of the denial phase and into the feeling and healing process. All of those questions I am pretty sure I hit back in October when I started this blog.
Eventually grief will enter on a deeper level, bringing with it intense feelings of emptiness and sadness. We feel like we don’t care about much of anything and wish life would just hurry up and pass on by. Getting out of bed can be a huge burden, exhaustion and apathy can set in, and we may begin to wonder, “what’s the point?” for pretty much everything. Others around us may try to help get us “out” of this “depression,” but it’s important to know that this isn’t a mental illness—it’s a natural response to loss. It’s not a clinical depression we’re experiencing, but rather mourning, and the emotions of depression must be experienced in order to heal. We have to let ourselves feel the pain, loss, grief, and sadness, hard as it may seem. As Kubler-Ross encourages, “Make a place for your guest. Invite your depression to pull up a chair with you in front of the fire, and sit with it, without looking for a way to escape. Allow the sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you explore your loss in its entirety.” This part of the grief process can last for some time—there’s no set “time limit” for the emotions of grief. I chose to let myself deteriorate a little bit at a time before I finally realized that I was going to literally die if I did not change something. I remember telling my little sister that I could not get out of the funk I was in... I wanted it all to go away and I remember going without any kind of subsistence for periods at a time that I told her I was literally scared that I would fall asleep and not wake up but even though I feared that I didn't have the energy to change anything about it. There were times I did not eat a thing for weeks at a time, took sleeping pills & pain meds to stay asleep, called out of work, and just over all self destructive. I wasn't quite sure how I could possibly go on after everything I went through. I was never the person to just rebound and throw all emotions out of the window. I've always been the kind of person that would careful consider my options and if I was sleeping with someone, it was because there was potential for something more than being a one-night stand. Not to mention, there was NO WAY I could go find a rebound for the pure fact that I didn't know how to meet/date anybody anymore. I thought the guy I dated for so long was the guy that I was going to grow old with... really, who thinks that they'll still be in the game in a couple of years when you are planning a family and a life together?
I'm pretty sure that my stages of grief did not actually go in the correct order. I am pretty sure that I started with bargaining, there was that sense that I just wanted life back to the way it used to be. I wished we could go back in time, catch the problems sooner, see something we didn't see. I had the days that I just felt guilty, focusing on “If only…”. Bargaining can begin before the loss occurs or after. The loss was sudden, I wished I could do something that would of made him realize what he walked away from or go back in time and change things. Bargaining kept me focused on the past so I didn't have to feel the emotions of the present. Who knew that bargaining could be helpful too... bargaining can help us focus on the future as we pray to “be reunited with them someday.”
After my bout of depression, Thanks to a special friend (Victoria) and finding me a new buddy (Shadow), I dipped my toe into acceptance. I learned that the experience of “depression” is what leads to “acceptance”. Many people mistakenly believe that “acceptance” means we are “cured” or “all right” with the loss. But this isn’t the case at all. The loss will forever be a part of us, though we will feel it more some times than others. Acceptance simply means we are ready to try and move on—to accommodate ourselves to this life without our loved one. This process can actually bring us closer to the one we loved as we make sense of how life was and process how we want life now to be. I started trying to see things from his perspective. I looked at the things that I could have done better... the things I needed to improve. One of the biggest things that I felt hindered our relationship was the fact that I overcompensated in aspects of our relationship because I never felt like someone could really love ME. I came off as self confident, a no-bar holds attitude just find out that that was not the case at all. There was a deep rooted need to have a man's love because I never really felt loved as a child. My mother wasn't in the picture for a long period of time because it was easier to stay away from all the bullshit of my dad's second wife and eventually that developed into me pushing her away as well. My dad was constantly gone, away over seas or training with the Army, and I think he was the only one that I actually felt loved by. My dad's second wife always made me feel inferior to her children no matter what good I did. Eventually that turned me into a rebellious child, not quite as bad as my older sister but still rebellious (and I did follow in her footsteps to some degree!) Bottom line, I never knew my own self worth and I didn't realize that by giving it all, there was nothing left for him to give. I finally accepted the fact that we would not be reunited. While I lost that feeling for myself, I no longer craved him the way that I had before, I got to a point that I used people. I was the bitch everyone wanted though... I knew it and I used it to my advantage. That got old though and I realized that wasnt the kind of person I wanted to be known for. Dont get me wrong the bitch part wasnt the problem but it was the using people that I didnt like about myself.
Well this journey has been a long and enlightening one. I have seen where I've been, I have seen where I am, and I have seen where I am going. I have been so bitter for so long that I did not see what I was doing to myself. I have drunk myself into a stupor at times, kept my head barely above water, have worked myself to death, have over done it so far as to push my heart far past it's limits and now I am finally realizing that none of it is really worth it. I am surrounded by a spectrum of some shady, drama-creating people that I want to keep at an arm's distance to those that I have built a solid foundation with & would have my back if the floor collapsed beneath me. I'm thankful for each and every one of those people as they have each taught me a valuable lesson and its pure & simple... Happiness is something we create and cannot be developed or something we wait to happen.
I woke up this morning and for the first time I felt relief. I felt the satisfaction of knowing that even though Saturday was my proposed wedding date that my heart for once felt a sense of relief. The day has come for me to let it all go. To give up every thing that has been holding me back for the past 290 days. I have gone from wanting Ryan and only Ryan back, to developing relationships with other guys just to run at the second they go for commitment, to being so turned off by commitment - all I wanted was a hit it and quit it, and now I am realizing that even though I am still not 100% craving commitment and I am craving companionship.
Want to know the difference between a commitment and a companion? A companion is someone you know will be there for you, will give a certain part to you (that can/will be shared with others), but it's not just another piece of ass. A companion is someone who you'd dry their tears, hold their hair back, be more then just another friend... it surpasses friends with benefits. A commitment on the other hand is someone you are held liable to. There is no stepping out... no sharing your physical/emotional self with anyone other than the commitment. A commitment is the one that you see long term... and quite frankly I am just no where near ready to look that far ahead. I've said it once, I'll say it again... I suppose if I found someone special enough I'd consider it, but he'd really have to pretty freaking amazing! It hasn't crossed my mind and I guess it would depend on the person and how we really felt about each other! I just don't want any kind of pressure, expectations, or demands to be bestowed upon me or the person I decide to commit to just yet. I want to live my life simple, happy, and carefree. I know I will find a greater happiness in not only myself but the world when I can simply the things that we as people choose to complicate on a daily basis!
Well the 5 Stages of Grief have been clearly marked in my life and now it's time to let that chapter, no, actually, not chapter but book shut in my life. I want to start a second volume, start fresh, start anew, just start over but with the knowledge of the things I've been through.
I guess I'll leave this with:
Ryan,
I want you to know that I forgive you. I hope one day that you learn to forgive me for the things that happened. I will always I have a love for you that no one will be able to take away, I will always care about you and the family... for the pure fact that we became a family long before we planned to make our vows. You will carry a special place in my heart because you were the first man I ever thought I would marry. It's like the first love sentiment. I was bitter for a long time and now I've learned to let that bitterness go, it took too much time and energy to be angry! I was hurt, lost, angry at you for walking away from the future family we created... but most of all, being left to deal with that whole situation alone. I took everything out on you in a very negative way! I hope one day you'll see past that childish behavior & realize that I'm not as bad of a person as I left you to think I was. Hopefully, one day, we'll be able to get rid of the purple, spotted elephant in the room and truly let go of one another in a positive way. If I never speak another word to you, just know that I hope the best for you and your family.
and to the people who have my heart now... Thank you for making me realize that bitterness isnt a pretty attribute... thank you for keeping myself from scarring myself emotionally anymore than what was necessary but most of all THANK YOU for making this time in my life so much easier by just being a part of it. Some of you have certainly become family!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Nobody Gets Me Like You Do
Nobody took down my guard like you. Nobody moved in their toothbrush so soon.
Nobody does whatever they want like you!
I'm cards on the table. I am spilled milk. There's no use crying, there's forces at will...
I'm yours for the taking, come get your fill!
Nobody loves me like you do. Nobody thrills me like you do. Nobody gets me. Nobody kills me like you.
Nobody buys me old books like you. Nobody hikes up my skirt like you.
Nobody says they ain't changing like you!
I'm painting a picture 'cause I'm seeing red. You're not the villain, I've built in my head. The flowers you picked out still sit by the bed.
Nobody loves me like you do. Nobody thrills me like you do. Nobody gets me. Nobody kills me like you.
To love you is to go mad. To love you is to lose myself.
In meeting you I've met my match!
There's no sweeter death. No sweeter death than this!
KATE EARL - NOBODY
I wasn't quite sure how I would feel as the days drew closer to the D-Day. I'm 4 days away from the day I was supposed to be a wife, a mother, a family; just pretty much starting a new chapter in my life. I have had my ups and downs. I've gone from down right depressed to out right cold. Now, I feel like I'm lost in translation. I'm not sure where I stand and I'm pretty sure that I have suppressed my feelings so much that I feel heartless... or maybe that means that I'm finally over the whole situation. I have an overwhelming feeling that that is not the case and at some point I will lose it at least one more time but I want to believe that it is truly over. See something about losing your family, not just not becoming a wife, but I should be giving birth to my child this month. There was something about the month of June that we were so good about celebrating every big event in our relationship within the month. We wanted to be parents, or so I thought, now I'm not sure what I want anymore. My maternal needs have diminished for now and most of my emotional needs are so disheveled. Its just amazing I can breathe anymore.
There is some kind of war between my heart and brain though. I think my brain is telling me everything above but my heart is longing to find something more. I push back every time I feel myself getting close to someone because, truth be told, my biggest fear is to be hurt like I was again. I know I couldnt survive another heartbreak, I barely walked away from this one. However, my heart longs for a connection to someone. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone, look nice for someone, I dont know, hell just to have someone put a smile on my face. Sometimes it feels like its the only thing that I am good at... loving someone. I've always known that I tend to give to much to people. Its why I am so good at my job because I truly care about people and what they are going thru. I would do anything to put a smile on someone's face even if I couldnt put a smile on my own.
I think the bad thing is I've met a few great guys. Seemingly, they could be exactly what I want. They could be exactly what I'm looking for but that fear holds me back. Not to mention, one in particular, I am pretty sure I am the only one with the feelings, despite what he has said. I dont know if its me just sabotaging myself to not get closer to him or if I really feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear to get what he wants. Sucks knowing your only an option and never a priority in his eyes though.
There is some kind of war between my heart and brain though. I think my brain is telling me everything above but my heart is longing to find something more. I push back every time I feel myself getting close to someone because, truth be told, my biggest fear is to be hurt like I was again. I know I couldnt survive another heartbreak, I barely walked away from this one. However, my heart longs for a connection to someone. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone, look nice for someone, I dont know, hell just to have someone put a smile on my face. Sometimes it feels like its the only thing that I am good at... loving someone. I've always known that I tend to give to much to people. Its why I am so good at my job because I truly care about people and what they are going thru. I would do anything to put a smile on someone's face even if I couldnt put a smile on my own.
I think the bad thing is I've met a few great guys. Seemingly, they could be exactly what I want. They could be exactly what I'm looking for but that fear holds me back. Not to mention, one in particular, I am pretty sure I am the only one with the feelings, despite what he has said. I dont know if its me just sabotaging myself to not get closer to him or if I really feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear to get what he wants. Sucks knowing your only an option and never a priority in his eyes though.
Well, things have been changing all around me. Other than my anticipated heart surgery & being on a monitor most of the time until then, things have been on the up and up. I have an amazing group of friends that keep me sane. If it wasn't for them, I'm pretty sure that I would have shut down a couple months ago. Plus, some of those friends have forced me to deal with the situations at hand versus just pushing them to the side and expecting to get over them. While I have developed better relationships with said friends, I feel like I'm drawing further away from certain people in my family. They can be too judgmental most of the time and I've had to restrain myself in many ways in order to appease them. Well I cannot do that anymore. I'm a grown ass adult and if I cannot be honest with them about who I am then what's the point in having that relationship anymore? I curse, I drink, I smoke occasionally, I've had sex with more than 2 people in my life... yes surprise, I am no saint. I've always been able to be honest with my father and mother because even though they will give me their 2 cents, they never judge me or have turned their back on me for knowing the things that I do/have done. On the other side, I get pushed to the side or excluded all together because I do not live the lifestyle that they expect me to from other people. Thing is... I AM NOT A BAD PERSON because I do not go to church every Sunday or I do not have a lack of self respect because I dont live my life the way you want it.
I am who I am and I'm happy with the life I've led, I live my life with NO REGRETS. Everything I've done, everything I've been thru, everything I've said was not in vain but if it didnt break me down or build me up, it DID make me the person that I am!
In the words of C.S. Lewis:
I am who I am and I'm happy with the life I've led, I live my life with NO REGRETS. Everything I've done, everything I've been thru, everything I've said was not in vain but if it didnt break me down or build me up, it DID make me the person that I am!
In the words of C.S. Lewis:
"Not loving yourself, to me, can bleed into your life in many different ways; The thoughts we sometimes have when something doesn't fit the way we wanted it to, the relationships we hang on to that are undeserving of us, the dark moments that can grasp us and tangle us up until you stop struggling and surrender the driver seat of your life to them... The secret is to stop struggling. When you smile and accept hard times as a PART of the story, but certainly not the ending, they no longer can restrain you and freedom is there. It has always been; you don't have to let it climb on your back and live with you for the rest of your days. Shake it off. "There are far, far better things that lie ahead than any we leave behind."
Monday, June 10, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 8th, 2013
To the Nights we will Never Forget!
Love this girl!
And of course Matt Melo knows he's loved! ;)
You dont know a friendship like ours!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 6th, 2013
This is why I love this guy!!
What can I say, He's never been anything but honest! ;)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A Year in Pictures - June 4th, 2013
So my heart started acting up last night while I was at Hooters,
I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital it lasted so long.
So one of my buddies came and stayed with me to make sure that I was ok thru out the night.
He ended up taking pictures while he was "playing with my phone".
TURD!
(Yes my socks ARE 2 different colors!)
Monday, June 3, 2013
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