Nobody Gets Me Like You Do

Nobody took down my guard like you. Nobody moved in their toothbrush so soon. 

Nobody does whatever they want like you!

I'm cards on the table. I am spilled milk. There's no use crying, there's forces at will... 

I'm yours for the taking, come get your fill!

Nobody loves me like you do. Nobody thrills me like you do. Nobody gets me. Nobody kills me like you. 

Nobody buys me old books like you. Nobody hikes up my skirt like you. 

Nobody says they ain't changing like you!

I'm painting a picture 'cause I'm seeing red. You're not the villain, I've built in my head. The flowers you picked out still sit by the bed.

Nobody loves me like you do. Nobody thrills me like you do. Nobody gets me. Nobody kills me like you. 

To love you is to go mad. To love you is to lose myself. 

In meeting you I've met my match! 

There's no sweeter death. No sweeter death than this!

KATE EARL - NOBODY

I wasn't quite sure how I would feel as the days drew closer to the D-Day. I'm 4 days away from the day I was supposed to be a wife, a mother, a family; just pretty much starting a new chapter in my life. I have had my ups and downs. I've gone from down right depressed to out right cold. Now, I feel like I'm lost in translation. I'm not sure where I stand and I'm pretty sure that I have suppressed my feelings so much that I feel heartless... or maybe that means that I'm finally over the whole situation. I have an overwhelming feeling that that is not the case and at some point I will lose it at least one more time but I want to believe that it is truly over. See something about losing your family, not just not becoming a wife, but I should be giving birth to my child this month. There was something about the month of June that we were so good about celebrating every big event in our relationship within the month. We wanted to be parents, or so I thought, now I'm not sure what I want anymore. My maternal needs have diminished for now and most of my emotional needs are so disheveled. Its just amazing I can breathe anymore. 

There is some kind of war between my heart and brain though. I think my brain is telling me everything above but my heart is longing to find something more. I push back every time I feel myself getting close to someone because, truth be told, my biggest fear is to be hurt like I was again. I know I couldnt survive another heartbreak, I barely walked away from this one. However, my heart longs for a connection to someone. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone, look nice for someone, I dont know, hell just to have someone put a smile on my face. Sometimes it feels like its the only thing that I am good at... loving someone.  I've always known that I tend to give to much to people. Its why I am so good at my job because I truly care about people and what they are going thru. I would do anything to put a smile on someone's face even if I couldnt put a smile on my own. 

I think the bad thing is I've met a few great guys. Seemingly, they could be exactly what I want. They could be exactly what I'm looking for but that fear holds me back. Not to mention, one in particular, I am pretty sure I am the only one with the feelings, despite what he has said. I dont know if its me just sabotaging myself to not get closer to him or if I really feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear to get what he wants. Sucks knowing your only an option and never a priority in his eyes though.  

Well, things have been changing all around me. Other than my anticipated heart surgery & being on a monitor most of the time until then, things have been on the up and up. I have an amazing group of friends that keep me sane. If it wasn't for them, I'm pretty sure that I would have shut down a couple months ago. Plus, some of those friends have forced me to deal with the situations at hand versus just pushing them to the side and expecting to get over them. While I have developed better relationships with said friends, I feel like I'm drawing further away from certain people in my family. They can be too judgmental most of the time and I've had to restrain myself in many ways in order to appease them. Well I cannot do that anymore. I'm a grown ass adult and if I cannot be honest with them about who I am then what's the point in having that relationship anymore? I curse, I drink, I smoke occasionally, I've had sex with more than 2 people in my life... yes surprise, I am no saint. I've always been able to be honest with my father and mother because even though they will give me their 2 cents, they never judge me or have turned their back on me for knowing the things that I do/have done. On the other side, I get pushed to the side or excluded all together because I do not live the lifestyle that they expect me to from other people. Thing is... I AM NOT A BAD PERSON because I do not go to church every Sunday or I do not have a lack of self respect because I dont live my life the way you want it.

I am who I am and I'm happy with the life I've led, I live my life with NO REGRETS. Everything I've done, everything I've been thru, everything I've said was not in vain but if it didnt break me down or build me up, it DID make me the person that I am!

In the words of C.S. Lewis:

"Not loving yourself, to me, can bleed into your life in many different ways; The thoughts we sometimes have when something doesn't fit the way we wanted it to, the relationships we hang on to that are undeserving of us, the dark moments that can grasp us and tangle us up until you stop struggling and surrender the driver seat of your life to them... The secret is to stop struggling. When you smile and accept hard times as a PART of the story, but certainly not the ending, they no longer can restrain you and freedom is there. It has always been; you don't have to let it climb on your back and live with you for the rest of your days. Shake it off. "There are far, far better things that lie ahead than any we leave behind."