Moving On...

"The voice in your head that says that you can't do this is a liar." There is so much to be grateful for; I can't believe I slipped and lost sight of that for even a second, much less was attacking myself about it. ENOUGH! Kicking those insecurities to the gutter where they belong with the rest of the bullshit we don't need! My heart is no longer filled with bitterness and hate. I feel like, for the 1st time, I woke up and I moved on! I realized happiness doesn't just happen, we create it!

This is a long one... but it has been the road to recovery.

The total number of days between Tuesday, August 28th, 2012 and Friday, June 14th, 2013 is 290 days.

This is equal to exactly: 

9 months and 17 days.

41 weeks and 3 days.

6,960 hours.

417,600 minutes.

25,056,000 seconds

Wonder how I know that? Google! hahaha Those dates represent the time that its taken for me to really take a look and let go. That is 290 days of mixed emotions; hatred, bitterness, love, saudade, loneliness, fickle, indifferent, and lethargic to name just a few. Nine months of my life that I have been either so closed off or completely impassioned. Basically 6,960 hours of sleeping my life away, working too much, or being completely encompassed with people that were either good or bad for me. It truly is amazing how people react to situations in their lives. 

At first, Ryan and I tried to remain friends. We tried being amicable over text messages/emails but knew that the only way to really get over each other was to never see each other. We stayed away... didnt hang out in the same places, with the same crowd of friends, or didnt go looking for each other. We still supported each other emotionally even though things would often lead to a heated debate, especially after I found out that a "friend" of mine actually deleted me off facebook and deliberately went after him. What they did or did not do doesnt matter to me anymore but at the time it really hurt me and helped push me into a dark, dark place.  I denied that fact that we were over... I thought he would of come to his senses when he realized that we've been a "married couple" for so long that his friends would not fulfill what I did in his life. We call this stage Denial! This stage includes feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief. When loss first comes, most of us have a hard time believing “this is really happening.” It’s not that we‘re denying that the loss has actually occurred, but rather, it’s a sense of, “I just can’t believe this person I love isn’t going to walk through that door anymore.” Yet, the feelings of this stage also protect us. If we were to take in all the emotion related to the loss right away, it would be too overwhelming. Instead, our body and mind have a little time to adjust to the way things are now without. Part of the “denial” stage is also to tell our story over and over—one of the best ways to deal with trauma, and also a way for us to make it real. Eventually, we may begin asking questions such as, “How did this happen,” or “Why?” This is a sign that we are moving out of the denial phase and into the feeling and healing process. All of those questions I am pretty sure I hit back in October when I started this blog. 

Eventually grief will enter on a deeper level, bringing with it intense feelings of emptiness and sadness. We feel like we don’t care about much of anything and wish life would just hurry up and pass on by. Getting out of bed can be a huge burden, exhaustion and apathy can set in, and we may begin to wonder, “what’s the point?” for pretty much everything. Others around us may try to help get us “out” of this “depression,” but it’s important to know that this isn’t a mental illness—it’s a natural response to loss. It’s not a clinical depression we’re experiencing, but rather mourning, and the emotions of depression must be experienced in order to heal. We have to let ourselves feel the pain, loss, grief, and sadness, hard as it may seem. As Kubler-Ross encourages, “Make a place for your guest. Invite your depression to pull up a chair with you in front of the fire, and sit with it, without looking for a way to escape. Allow the sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you explore your loss in its entirety.” This part of the grief process can last for some time—there’s no set “time limit” for the emotions of grief. I chose to let myself deteriorate a little bit at a time before I finally realized that I was going to literally die if I did not change something. I remember telling my little sister that I could not get out of the funk I was in... I wanted it all to go away and I remember going without any kind of subsistence for periods at a time that I told her I was literally scared that I would fall asleep and not wake up but even though I feared that I didn't have the energy to change anything about it.  There were times I did not eat a thing for weeks at a time, took sleeping pills & pain meds to stay asleep, called out of work, and just over all self destructive. I wasn't quite sure how I could possibly go on after everything I went through. I was never the person to just rebound and throw all emotions out of the window. I've always been the kind of person that would careful consider my options and if I was sleeping with someone, it was because there was potential for something more than being a one-night stand. Not to mention, there was NO WAY I could go find a rebound for the pure fact that I didn't know how to meet/date anybody anymore. I thought the guy I dated for so long was the guy that I was going to grow old with... really, who thinks that they'll still be in the game in a couple of years when you are planning a family and a life together? 

Due to the hurt that ensued after the "friend" incident, I went straight into the depression stage but hit the angry stage pretty quickly as well. We went from trying to be amicable to being down right ugly to each other. I threw all of his stuff outside that he didn't initially take as we had agreed that he would continue to pay rent so he thought he would continue to keep his things in my home and keep a key to come in and out as he pleased. He shut off my phone line and took away my access to manage the account and at the my job required me calling every morning to find out where I would be working on a daily basis. I almost lost my job! We blocked each other from various things and eventually I just got so angry that in one of my post I pretty much blasted everything that broke my heart during/after our relationship. At that point, there was NO communication anymore. My anger hit a whole new level as I really thought about all the things that had happened during our relationship and at the very end when he left the family he created to pursue being a partier. Anger can present itself in a variety of ways—anger at your loved one, at others, at God, at the world, at yourself. And anger can be a difficult emotion to cope with. Some will express anger easily and toward anyone or anything, but many of us will suppress the anger instead, keeping it bottled up or even turning it inward, toward ourselves. Anger turned inward is guilt—guilt that we “should have done something,” or even guilt that we feel angry toward the deceased. But anger is a natural response to loss. And if we’re able to identify and label our anger, it can help us express it in healthier ways that don’t hurt others or ourselves. Saying, “I’m angry,” and letting yourself feel that anger is part of the healing process. I didnt see it at that time but being angry was a long part of this process in my case. 

I'm pretty sure that my stages of grief did not actually go in the correct order. I am pretty sure that I started with bargaining, there was that sense that I just wanted life back to the way it used to be. I wished we could go back in time, catch the problems sooner, see something we didn't see. I had the days that I just felt guilty, focusing on “If only…”. Bargaining can begin before the loss occurs or after. The loss was sudden, I wished I could do something that would of made him realize what he walked away from or go back in time and change things. Bargaining kept me focused on the past so I didn't have to feel the emotions of the present. Who knew that bargaining could be helpful too... bargaining can help us focus on the future as we pray to “be reunited with them someday.”

After my bout of depression, Thanks to a special friend (Victoria) and finding me a new buddy (Shadow), I dipped my toe into acceptance. I learned that the experience of “depression” is what leads to “acceptance”. Many people mistakenly believe that “acceptance” means we are “cured” or “all right” with the loss. But this isn’t the case at all. The loss will forever be a part of us, though we will feel it more some times than others. Acceptance simply means we are ready to try and move on—to accommodate ourselves to this life without our loved one. This process can actually bring us closer to the one we loved as we make sense of how life was and process how we want life now to be. I started trying to see things from his perspective. I looked at the things that I could have done better... the things I needed to improve. One of the biggest things that I felt hindered our relationship was the fact that I overcompensated in aspects of our relationship because I never felt like someone could really love ME. I came off as self confident, a no-bar holds attitude just find out that that was not the case at all. There was a deep rooted need to have a man's love because I never really felt loved as a child. My mother wasn't in the picture for a long period of time because it was easier to stay away from all the bullshit of my dad's second wife and eventually that developed into me pushing her away as well. My dad was constantly gone, away over seas or training with the Army, and I think he was the only one that I actually felt loved by. My dad's second wife always made me feel inferior to her children no matter what good I did. Eventually that turned me into a rebellious child, not quite as bad as my older sister but still rebellious (and I did follow in her footsteps to some degree!) Bottom line, I never knew my own self worth and I didn't realize that by giving it all, there was nothing left for him to give. I finally accepted the fact that we would not be reunited. While I lost that feeling for myself, I no longer craved him the way that I had before, I got to a point that I used people. I was the bitch everyone wanted though... I knew it and I used it to my advantage. That got old though and I realized that wasnt the kind of person I wanted to be known for. Dont get me wrong the bitch part wasnt the problem but it was the using people that I didnt like about myself.

Well this journey has been a long and enlightening one. I have seen where I've been, I have seen where I am, and I have seen where I am going. I have been so bitter for so long that I did not see what I was doing to myself. I have drunk myself into a stupor at times, kept my head barely above water, have worked myself to death, have over done it so far as to push my heart far past it's limits and now I am finally realizing that none of it is really worth it. I am surrounded by a spectrum of some shady, drama-creating people that I want to keep at an arm's distance to those that I have built a solid foundation with & would have my back if the floor collapsed beneath me. I'm thankful for each and every one of those people as they have each taught me a valuable lesson and its pure & simple... Happiness is something we create and cannot be developed or something we wait to happen. 

I woke up this morning and for the first time I felt relief. I felt the satisfaction of knowing that even though Saturday was my proposed wedding date that my heart for once felt a sense of relief. The day has come for me to let it all go. To give up every thing that has been holding me back for the past 290 days. I have gone from wanting Ryan and only Ryan back, to developing relationships with other guys just to run at the second they go for commitment, to being so turned off by commitment - all I wanted was a hit it and quit it, and now I am realizing that even though I am still not 100% craving commitment and I am craving companionship. 

Want to know the difference between a commitment and a companion? A companion is someone you know will be there for you, will give a certain part to you (that can/will be shared with others), but it's not just another piece of ass. A companion is someone who you'd dry their tears, hold their hair back, be more then just another friend... it surpasses friends with benefits. A commitment on the other hand is someone you are held liable to. There is no stepping out... no sharing your physical/emotional self with anyone other than the commitment. A commitment is the one that you see long term... and quite frankly I am just no where near ready to look that far ahead. I've said it once, I'll say it again... I suppose if I found someone special enough I'd consider it, but he'd really have to pretty freaking amazing! It hasn't crossed my mind and I guess it would depend on the person and how we really felt about each other! I just don't want any kind of pressure, expectations, or demands to be bestowed upon me or the person I decide to commit to just yet. I want to live my life simple, happy, and carefree. I know I will find a greater happiness in not only myself but the world when I can simply the things that we as people choose to complicate on a daily basis!

Well the 5 Stages of Grief have been clearly marked in my life and now it's time to let that chapter, no, actually, not chapter but book shut in my life. I want to start a second volume, start fresh, start anew, just start over but with the knowledge of the things I've been through. 

I guess I'll leave this with:

Ryan, 

I want you to know that I forgive you. I hope one day that you learn to forgive me for the things that happened. I will always I have a love for you that no one will be able to take away, I will always care about you and the family... for the pure fact that we became a family long before we planned to make our vows. You will carry a special place in my heart because you were the first man I ever thought I would marry. It's like the first love sentiment. I was bitter for a long time and now I've learned to let that bitterness go, it took too much time and energy to be angry! I was hurt, lost, angry at you for walking away from the future family we created... but most of all, being left to deal with that whole situation alone. I took everything out on you in a very negative way! I hope one day you'll see past that childish behavior & realize that I'm not as bad of a person as I left you to think I was. Hopefully, one day, we'll be able to get rid of the purple, spotted elephant in the room and truly let go of one another in a positive way. If I never speak another word to you, just know that I hope the best for you and your family.

and to the people who have my heart now... Thank you for making me realize that bitterness isnt a pretty attribute... thank you for keeping myself from scarring myself emotionally anymore than what was necessary but most of all THANK YOU for making this time in my life so much easier by just being a part of it. Some of you have certainly become family!