Researchers are currently working to make a map of the human brain. It may be the most complex map ever created. Billions of neurons making trillions of connections. At first glance they seem completely random but there’s nothing random about them. All these connections have to happen. A specific pattern, it is designed for a function. These connections determine everything about us. What we love, what we hate, what we say, what we do.
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We are just starting to learn the extent of the brains connections. How far they reach, how deep they go. But we know that every connection matters, every connection is crucial. And when one is broken, it usually means some damage has been done. This system of connection compels us to act and choose and behave. Sometimes seemingly against our own will. But it is not random at all. It is the map of who we are. We will work to understand ourselves. Solve the puzzle. How all the connections work and all the pieces fit.
Today's blog entry is brought to you by the numerous messages today that I received from old friends, new friends, and even the person trying to "get to know" me. People often ask, what seems to be, the burning question - "Why are you single/not married?"
First off, I'm not married because I plan to marry once and I want to make sure that I marry the right person. Marriage is not something taken lightly, which these days marriage just seems to be a joke. Someone is cheating on the other, people get married because they have a child together knowing that is the only reason they are together, and people these days get married out of convenience. Marriage doesn't last for these same reasons. Too many people are divorced in a year or less because people stopped trying to make it work and run whenever the going gets tough. I listened to a woman I trained this week talk about her marriage that didnt last. She was in a relationship for 10 years with this guy and they shared a child together but no matter how good she was to him, he seemed to have a wandering eye. Now, I'll say, this girl is beautiful! Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, and thin... why a man wouldn't want her, I couldnt fathom. Better yet, why a man would cheat on her... not once... but multiple times. Then again, that goes back to my last post about being easy. The girl from her work would send dirty messages, pics, etc. No wonder it was so easy to step out on a beautiful girl. So, why am I not married? Because I want to meet the man that knows, above all else, I am the woman that he loves and deserves and would never want to walk away from. Yeah, I still believe in that cheesy belief! hahah
So then why don't I date? Why am I still single? Well, I wasn't always single. You see, I met a man once and I fell in love. I just knew I was destined to marry him. The day I met him, I just knew. We started off as friends, fell in love, and eventually set a date to be married. Then, we realized it just wasn't meant to be. I would of ended up in a marriage that would of ended in one of the ways I described above because ultimately it came down to he wasn't ready... and later I learned to my dismay, neither was I!! In the year that passed following that breakup, I learned a lot about myself. One being that I was not ready to be a wife but two, I was not the woman that I should be. It took me realizing that I had a lot of growing up to do.
So, in the two years that its taken to find me, I have become a different person. Was that person date worthy then? No, I was still heartbroken and could not have a healthy intimate relationship with anyone! Sure, it was easy to have a one night stand and get what I wanted but truth was I did not know what it was that I wanted. Therefore, all relationships would end the same.... OVER. Well you see, I am not completely hopeless. I have tried dating. I've been introduced to some "nice guys" thru friends. I have met some interesting men. Then again, I've also met some pretty perverted and idiotic men. I dated someone off and on for about 6 months and then I realized it just wasn't meant to work. So I have spent the past 2 months concentrating on continuing to be the best version of me that I can be. I will not chase anyone... I dont need to. I have stayed to myself and close loved ones. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with those that I love. I gave up those one night stands a long time ago. If I've been with you then I've been interested in you and I can literally say that has been 2 people. One of whom was the fella I dated. I have developed connections with people, I'm not completely inhumane. There are times that I fall to easily for someone and there are times that I do not second guess my decision to walk away. For the man that catches my attention, he's the man that catches my mind. He's the man that I can talk to for hours, he's the man that can capture my heart before touching my body, and he's the man that can touch my body the same way he touches my soul. That is the kinda man that I want to fall in love with in new ways everyday and that is the man I want to marry.
Am I crazy? Quite possibly but I am for certain that I will be happy. :)
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