Someday I Will Suddenly Leave

“I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...” 

― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Today was the day that I lost it. 

I've called my parents just about every day for the past week and cried. "I cant do this anymore", "I hate feeling this way", and "I'm tired of it" are in every conversation that I have. I've tried over and over again to get thru to Emma's father that he needs to be involved with her. Time and time again it goes back to the same thing. How do we live in the same house and yet he can ignore not only me but his child? He purposely avoids the rooms that we are in and when he is in the same room - not a word is spoken. He never comes home after he gets off work. He sleeps until he goes back to work. On his days off, he just sits there like a stump and says nothing as he stares at the tv all day. He doesnt even acknowledge Emma when she cries just sits there lifelessly watching tv or on his phone. The only reason I know that he knows we exist is because his mother will text me when she knows or sees that I am upset and I can only assume texts both him and me to figure out what is going on. He always has an excuse for his behavior - mostly that he "isnt going to ask". Well, I'm tired of offering. I am tired of trying with him. I am tired of the lack of communication. I am tired of fighting a losing battle. I sat on my daughter's bedroom floor Sunday night crying my eyes out over the phone to my mom just asking what to do. I hate being angry all the time. I hate that my daughter is being ignored. I hate that I chose to stay in NC and live like this so her father could be involved and yet he does not take advantage of it.

I am tired... just tired!

So what events led to the breakdown today? Another afternoon of us being ignored as he sat on the couch watching tv before leaving for work without saying a word. Letting my dog out and him running down the road with a dog that was on the loose outside. Beating his ass for making me chase him all the way down the road. Shaking because I was that upset and barely have the energy. 

Meanwhile, Emma wakes up and starts crying.

All I could do was pick her up, take her to her bed, and shut the door. I was still shaking from dealing with Shadow. As I shut the door behind me, I just fell to the floor and cried. Not a I'm just upset cry, but an uncontrollable sobbing kinda cry. I cried as I listened to my baby cry because I knew there was nothing I could do to console her at that moment knowing I could not be consoled. She didn't stop which meant I didn't stop. Me being upset had nothing to do with her but I wanted to make sure that my anger would in no way be pushed on to her if I could not get her to stop crying - which is why I put her in her bed and for the 1st time walked away. 

I walked outside and I got some fresh air. The cold helped calm my nerves enough to be shaking from being cold and not being upset. I was finally able to get my own crying under control.

As I came back inside, Emma was still crying. I walked in her room and as I picked her up, all I could do was hold her close and apologize to her for not being able to keep myself together. It's not her fault but again I started crying as I held her. She stopped crying and just looked at me before reaching to touch my face. That was THE MOST heartfelt moment I have ever had with a human being. She isnt but a month old and she knew her momma was hurting. It was that moment that consoled me. It was that moment that made me happy that I am her mother and no one can take that away.

I've never been a big sharer when it comes to my feelings. I bottle things up until they get so bad that I explode and destroy everything around me. I have talked to my parents more about my feelings and about what was going on than I ever have and that alone has helped me not kill anyone yet. His mom has listened to my frustrations and has helped me to cope with some of the situations. I am not someone that will ask for help but I'm learning that I am going to have to or else this situation is going to get the best of me. I have left town, even the state, to keep myself from losing it. Being around my family helps which is why I was moving to Alabama last year. I have his family and my close friends here but as much as I love them - nothing compares to having my own family to support me. I was called selfish and a bitch for wanting to be around people who would help me and my daughter but never once did I say that to him for making me stay to be around his family since he has no intentions of ever leaving. He told me after telling him about a guy friend of mine's lady leaving with his child that if I ever took her away he'd kill me and when asked "Kill? Isnt that extreme?" He said "Yes". So I am supposed to stay in NC? I'd like to see him try. If and when I decide to leave, I will do just that and WITH my daughter.

So this weekend, I will be back on the road. I will be leaving to spend time with my family and getting away from this toxic situation. When I get back, I will be coming back to a new job and working on making arrangements to get Emma and myself into a new living arrangement. There are a lot of things that I want for my daughter but for me to hate her father, is not one of them. If there is any chance for us to be amicable in the future then I need to get out of this situation now before the resentment REALLY sets in.