Someday I Will Suddenly Leave

“I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...” 

― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Today was the day that I lost it. 

I've called my parents just about every day for the past week and cried. "I cant do this anymore", "I hate feeling this way", and "I'm tired of it" are in every conversation that I have. I've tried over and over again to get thru to Emma's father that he needs to be involved with her. Time and time again it goes back to the same thing. How do we live in the same house and yet he can ignore not only me but his child? He purposely avoids the rooms that we are in and when he is in the same room - not a word is spoken. He never comes home after he gets off work. He sleeps until he goes back to work. On his days off, he just sits there like a stump and says nothing as he stares at the tv all day. He doesnt even acknowledge Emma when she cries just sits there lifelessly watching tv or on his phone. The only reason I know that he knows we exist is because his mother will text me when she knows or sees that I am upset and I can only assume texts both him and me to figure out what is going on. He always has an excuse for his behavior - mostly that he "isnt going to ask". Well, I'm tired of offering. I am tired of trying with him. I am tired of the lack of communication. I am tired of fighting a losing battle. I sat on my daughter's bedroom floor Sunday night crying my eyes out over the phone to my mom just asking what to do. I hate being angry all the time. I hate that my daughter is being ignored. I hate that I chose to stay in NC and live like this so her father could be involved and yet he does not take advantage of it.

I am tired... just tired!

So what events led to the breakdown today? Another afternoon of us being ignored as he sat on the couch watching tv before leaving for work without saying a word. Letting my dog out and him running down the road with a dog that was on the loose outside. Beating his ass for making me chase him all the way down the road. Shaking because I was that upset and barely have the energy. 

Meanwhile, Emma wakes up and starts crying.

All I could do was pick her up, take her to her bed, and shut the door. I was still shaking from dealing with Shadow. As I shut the door behind me, I just fell to the floor and cried. Not a I'm just upset cry, but an uncontrollable sobbing kinda cry. I cried as I listened to my baby cry because I knew there was nothing I could do to console her at that moment knowing I could not be consoled. She didn't stop which meant I didn't stop. Me being upset had nothing to do with her but I wanted to make sure that my anger would in no way be pushed on to her if I could not get her to stop crying - which is why I put her in her bed and for the 1st time walked away. 

I walked outside and I got some fresh air. The cold helped calm my nerves enough to be shaking from being cold and not being upset. I was finally able to get my own crying under control.

As I came back inside, Emma was still crying. I walked in her room and as I picked her up, all I could do was hold her close and apologize to her for not being able to keep myself together. It's not her fault but again I started crying as I held her. She stopped crying and just looked at me before reaching to touch my face. That was THE MOST heartfelt moment I have ever had with a human being. She isnt but a month old and she knew her momma was hurting. It was that moment that consoled me. It was that moment that made me happy that I am her mother and no one can take that away.

I've never been a big sharer when it comes to my feelings. I bottle things up until they get so bad that I explode and destroy everything around me. I have talked to my parents more about my feelings and about what was going on than I ever have and that alone has helped me not kill anyone yet. His mom has listened to my frustrations and has helped me to cope with some of the situations. I am not someone that will ask for help but I'm learning that I am going to have to or else this situation is going to get the best of me. I have left town, even the state, to keep myself from losing it. Being around my family helps which is why I was moving to Alabama last year. I have his family and my close friends here but as much as I love them - nothing compares to having my own family to support me. I was called selfish and a bitch for wanting to be around people who would help me and my daughter but never once did I say that to him for making me stay to be around his family since he has no intentions of ever leaving. He told me after telling him about a guy friend of mine's lady leaving with his child that if I ever took her away he'd kill me and when asked "Kill? Isnt that extreme?" He said "Yes". So I am supposed to stay in NC? I'd like to see him try. If and when I decide to leave, I will do just that and WITH my daughter.

So this weekend, I will be back on the road. I will be leaving to spend time with my family and getting away from this toxic situation. When I get back, I will be coming back to a new job and working on making arrangements to get Emma and myself into a new living arrangement. There are a lot of things that I want for my daughter but for me to hate her father, is not one of them. If there is any chance for us to be amicable in the future then I need to get out of this situation now before the resentment REALLY sets in.

I Knew It Wasn't Gonna Be Easy!

You will never have this day with your children again. Tomorrow, they will be a little older than they were today. This day is a gift, breathe and notice, smell and touch them; study their faces and little feet and pay attention, relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today Mama, it'll be over before you know it.

-Jen Hatmaker

You know when you have those days in life that you feel overwhelmed and know your day isn't going to go as planned? Well, try being a single mother and realizing that is every day. Nobody asks to do it alone or to be a single parent. We plan out our lives knowing that if we are going to have children then it's going to be with someone we love and someone we are with in a committed relationship. Sometimes, we make mistakes though. Yes, I said mistake, but in NO WAY am I calling my child a mistake. Some people don't wrap it up or take birth control but, all too often, those methods fail.  

I never thought I'd be having a child. I wasn't prepared to become a mother. I lost my "want to be" a mother a long time ago. I certainly wasn't living the mother life but becoming a mother has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. 

First off, let me start by saying - given the circumstances and knowing who my daughter's father was, I knew that this wasnt going to be easy but I wanted to try. I wanted to give my daughter the chance that many kids arent afforded. I wanted him to be involved in her life knowing that there was not a chance that we were going to be one big happy family. I wanted him to be able to comfort her when she cried, to change her diapers, to wake up in the middle of the night to be with her, basically, to be the father that gets to grow up with his daughter - so I moved in with him so we could co-parent and so I didnt have to do this alone.

but what I learned was I became a single mother anyways. I got up in the middle of the night all by myself. Only my life had to change. I lost a lot of sleep. I no longer had any time to myself. I barely shower alone. Sometimes, its easier to take a bath with the baby so you can kill two birds with one stone. Cooking a meal is harder but I never realized just trying to eat a meal was going to be as difficult as it has been. Cleaning? What is that? Me, being the semi-neat freak that I am, I get frustrated with the mess. I didnt sign up for the attitudes or the jealousy. I didnt sign up to be a live in nanny or a maid. Frustration turns into getting overwhelmed and that just leads to pure resentment. 

I've been angry. I've lost my temper (never with Emma). I've packed up my things and left town for a weekend or an entire week at times. I've threatened to move out of state to be with people who would help me. Now, I'm working on find a new home for both Emma and myself. 

I'm incredibly thankful for some of the support that I have received over the past month. My parents have talked me off cliffs, they've been supportive, they've wiped away my tears when I've been at the end of my rope, and they've continued to give me advice even if its some that I dont want to hear. His mother, has been supportive as well. She hasnt taken sides and she has been the buffer for some of our  more heated conversations but most of all, I think, she's opened his eyes to his own selfishness on occasions. My friends, well they can be a little one sided but who's friends arent? They have seen some of the comments made and have listened when I needed someone to talk to and some have even calmed me down when I've been driven to tears from my anger. 

So here I am. 

I knew taking care of my daughter was going to have difficult times. Lord knows, there are many more to come in the future. I also know that it's not always going to be difficult. We are going to have good times, great times, and some indescribable times. My daughter is changing my life in ways I never thought possible and I am okay with that. I miss working, I miss being with my friends, I miss not having to make plans weeks in advance in order to be free for one night, I miss the nights I didnt come home, I miss being spontaneous, I miss being able to meet new people but I am glad that I do not have to miss out on some of her important first moments. Her first smile, her first laugh, her first full night's sleep, and there are so many first moments I will never have to miss out on. That is the joy of being a mother. 

I know there will be rough days but I also know it wont always be this hard. It's going to get better because it cant possibly get any worse. I will always do what is best for Emma even if it means not having or doing what I want. I am going to make a better life for me and my daughter no matter what it cost because that is what she deserves. 

I knew it wasnt going to be easy, but I knew I could get thru it even if it meant getting thru it alone!

The Best Plan is No Plan At All

There’s a stage you go through in child birth and it’s the toughest part. It’s called the transition stage. You’ve been pushing so hard and so long. You’re exhausted, spent and there’s nothing to show for all of your effort. During this transition stage, it feels like you can’t go on but it’s because you’re very nearly there.

… 

Transition is movement. From one part of life to a whole new one. And it can feel like one long, scary, dark tunnel but you have to come out the other side. Because what’s been waiting there, might be glorious.

As people, we spend our entire lives planning and preparing for our future. As women, we plan the perfect wedding and birth process. For me, neither have ever gone as planned. The wedding I had planned quickly fell apart and I never got married so what should I have expected when I planned out the birth of my first child? 

All my life, I have planned for a natural pregnancy, natural childbirth, followed up with breastfeeding my child until they were ready for solid foods. I wrote out and had my birth plan ready - no epidural, no unnatural water breaking, no membrane stripping, etc, etc. 

So when it came to random points in my pregnancy when I needed to be put on certain medications in order to help with the process, it kind of made me feel like I was failing. Here, I should be able to deal with something that is making me uncomfortable - the nausea, the itching, the heartburn. However, what seemed so little seemed to affect not only me but my unborn child so I knew it was necessary in order to have her develop appropriately. 

Come to my final appointment, 12/11/14, before my due date, why should I have expected things to fall into place and be fine? I was on the phone with my dad as the doctor came in and told him we were just waiting to make sure all was fine and then I was headed home. He told me to call him back when I got the news that all was well. Instead, I was told that after the Protein Test I took last week and my current blood pressures were unsafe therefore I should not pass go, I should not collect $200, I needed to get myself to the hospital immediately because I needed to get the baby out. I asked if I could go home, get my things, get my dog taken care of, turn off dinner... there was so much that still needed to be taken care of at that point... Dr. Stringfellow advised me not to but he couldn't control what I did when I left but made the phone call to the hospital anyways to let them know I'd be on my way. I got out to the parking lot right as I lost it. My parents were leaving their respective states that night/early morning to arrive in time for the delivery but instead I had to make the calls to let them know I needed them here yesterday!!! I couldn't even get the words out to Eric as I tried to tell him something was wrong and Emma was coming early... all he said was "Don't worry, I'm calling your Mom, We'll be there soon!" and those words helped settle my heart. Next phone calls were to Momma Sophia, Richard, Shelby, & Dad before I hit the house to wake up Zack and let him know we were in fact having a baby.

As I got to the house, I took my sweet time to grab the baby's & my "already packed" bag, let Shadow out to use the bathroom, gave the cat some food, and stirred dinner that was cooking in the crock pot. I left dinner on thinking there would be a slim chance that I could come home and wait it out. 

Well, Zack and I made it to the hospital just to sit and wait before we were taken back to Triage where we waited some more. Labor and Delivery was full therefore the 4 of us waiting in Triage were all waiting to be induced so they advised us that we could be there a little while. The doctor came back a couple times and then came back to tell me that after close monitoring, if my blood pressure went up one more time then my only choice was an induction. 

So we waited...

Blood pressure stayed below 140/90 for the next 3 checks (15 mins apart) and then the final pressure came in at 137/94... that was enough to make the call of keeping me to be induced. I asked if there was any way that we could just wait, my mom was on the way... I needed her to be here 1st. They advised against it but let me know that we could take it slow so I agreed and was finally taken back to a room on L&D. 

Next Day - 12/12/14: Mom and Eric made it in around 2am and they hadn't started any kind of medications yet to induce so I was still exactly where I was before they left Alabama. Mom, Richard, Waide, Anneliese, and Nana Martha were the next to arrive around 7am... again, no changes. Come 9am it was time to be rechecked and it was official - I was still 1 1/2cm dilated, same as when I was admitted. So here came the fun part (NOT!), they decided to put in some medication to try to thin out and open the cervix and after several hours and that not progressing we ended up putting a balloon in to open it. Talk about PAINFUL! It was like being ripped open from the inside... blood started spewing for the next several hours, if that gives any indication of what was happening. Still being stubborn and trying to follow my birth plan, I refused pain meds and (most definitely) the epidural. Finally they began the Pictocin, which is the hormone to help speed up the process. However, even that was only going about 8cc's a hour. 

Around 4pm they decided it'd be a good idea to check the status of the balloon. Maybe I should start with telling you that the only way they check this balloon is by taking a nice little tug on it. It works like a foley catheter and if anyone has ever had one they know that it's not meant to pull out. As Nancy took a tug, releasing one balloon (~20cc's), the other (~40cc's) was still snug in place but that tug was THE WORST PAIN I've ever felt in my life... I'm talking radiating, uncontrollable pain in every nerve in your body. Where I had only been cramping before I know could not handle the ripping out of my insides... so I agreed to the epidural. 

After about 32 hours of no sleep, that epidural allowed me to get about an hour before I was up again. Dr. Stringfellow came back to let me know that they would be getting ready to break my water within the hour so be prepared, again knowing this was not how I wanted things to go. I was ready for some time with my family to help ease my mind. I was still cramping every now and again but I only felt it on the left side of my body and the right side, well, there was absolutely no feeling. I was literally having to use my arms to lift my leg just to rotate in the bed. As my brother and Waide were in there cutting up and making jokes, I realized that he may have just made me laugh so hard that I peed on myself (I had no feeling now from the waste down, I could only feel temp changes on my skin). Just to be sure I had to check to see if it was just the blood still spewing but it was in fact clear but it also had no color. Hmm... could this be what my water breaking was supposed to feel like? My mom checked me out before we called Nurse Nancy just to realize it was more blood. So as the doctor and Nancy came back in, I let them know about what had happened. The doctor took a look and said it was okay and we could just change the pads I was lying on but Nancy happened to notice "the sac"... yeah, I literally laughed so hard my water DID break and ON ITS OWN!! FINALLY, something was going the way it was supposed to.

The Anesthetist finally came back to check on me and I told her something wasnt right. Which that was the whole reason I did not want the epidural... people make mistakes. After a quick adjustment to my back, she injected me with at least 3-4 doses of the epidural medication and left side was just as numb as the right. I don't handle pain medication very well... or rather it doesn't take much to fix the problem. So after those multiple doses, I threw up... ALOT before passing out. Finally, getting some sleep... here and there I would wake up but couldn't stay awake. I remember my brother telling me he was switching out with my mom and would see me after it was over. I remember not seeing Zack and wondering where he would be. I remember hearing my mother's voice but not being able to see her face. I was worried but too drugged up to do anything about it.

Next thing I knew, it was a little after 8pm when I was being woken up and I had reached 10 cm and it was time to push. I still could not lift my legs, I could not open my eyes, and for the first time - I had NO CONTROL over my body... I WAS SCARED. I felt paralyzed and I remember hearing my Momma Denise and Momma Sophia telling me it was going to be okay, to calm down cause my pressure was climbing back up, to relax, and to just push.

First set of pushes - My mom's had to lift up my legs (cause I had no feeling) and the doctor told me it'd be like doing a crunch and pushing. 

PUSH... HOLD... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.9,10

AGAIN

PUSH... HOLD... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.9,10

AGAIN

PUSH... HOLD... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.9,10

OK RELAX...

It was after that first set that I realized this was not supposed to be happening like this. I started crying... I couldn't control it. I couldn't tell if I was even pushing or better yet even doing it right. I had no control and anybody that knows me knows that its not a strong suit when I dont. 

After another few sets, at 8:28pm, my sweet little Emma was born. At that point, I just lost it. As they laid here on my chest for the very 1st time I got frustrated... again, I had no control over my body and could not even open my eyes to look at my baby girl. 

After they got her and I cleaned up, I was finally starting to come around. Still drugged but I was fighting to get some control back over my body. They prepared us to move to the Mother/Baby Floor and I attempted breastfeeding. She just wasn't going to have it though. So after no prevail, we were moved to the room that we'd stay in for the rest of our visit. They bathed Emma in the room with us while family came in to visit before heading home for the night. 

Day 3 12/13/14 - I barely slept that night as I'd be up every time she moved around in the bassinet, cough, sneezed, or threw up. Emma was throwing up an awful lot for me to feel comfortable so I would try to stay up to make sure she didn't choke. By 6am, we were getting visits from nurses, doctors, change of shifts, etc, etc... so the day began. A lot of frustration started with the fact that I could not get Emma to breastfeed and she was continuing to throw up over and over again. It was hard for me to eat knowing that my baby girl was not eating either. That night we hit 24 hours of not eating and it was hard for me to deal with it. By about 11pm, I had a meltdown. I felt alone, tired, worried, scared, just about every emotion and I could not stop crying uncontrollably. My mom just held me as I held Emma crying. I finally broke and asked for bottles of formula, which was another thing that I didnt want happening. Emma finally fed for the first time and my mom encouraged me to sleep and she'd watch Emma for the night.

Day 4 12/14/15 - After finally getting some decent sleep, I finally felt better the next morning. I was more at ease and the bottles helped to get Emma eating. Again, wasnt what I wanted but I was happy that she was finally eating. In came the doctors just like the morning before. Doctor, nurse, NA, another nurse, and several lactation consultants later we were going to be released.  Once we finally got home things started to settle. Emma started eating and sleeping on a regular schedule and even was sleeping decent hours over the night. I was amazed at how well she was doing. 

Each day comes and goes and the only thing that I can look back and realize is that after having everything all planned out, I could never have planned to be as happy as I am every day that I look at my beautiful baby girl. I would relive every one of these moments that, at the time, broke my heart for not being what I wanted just to continue to look at Little Miss Emma's face everyday. One day, it'll be my story to tell her. My life is no where near perfect but I will say that everyday that I have this beautiful face to look at, kiss on, and love on will be perfect. 

Welcome to the world Emma Marie. Your Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. There will be days that you hate us or that you wish you could trade us in for different parents but there will also be days that you realize are a little easier because you have parents that love you unconditionally and even when you make all the wrong decisions or follow the wrong paths, we will be behind you to still love you and put you right back on track. We will never let you fall or be alone in your journey. You are loved by so many people. Oh Sweet Baby Girl, I cannot promise to be perfect but I promise I will never stop loving you!!

 

Headed towards the Finish Line

"Going through that traumatic time of being heartbroken and then being pregnant turned my whole life upside down and inside out and just knocked the wind out of me. But I got so much out of that."

-Bridget Moynahan

When I say that being pregnant turned my life around... it is an absolute understatement. Here it was, another failed try at a relationship, another quit my job as a bartender, stopped drinking so much, made up my mind that I was moving, and was just 2 months shy of making that intended move. 

I remember that day like it was yesterday, the day I found out I was pregnant. At the time, I spent majority of my time on the road as my job required lots of traveling. Which, of course, meant I had a lot of time to think. I was driving back from Mt. Airy when, out of nowhere, my emotions got the best of me. I remember bawling my eyes out and praying to God to give me some kind of answers. I did not understand why I was such an emotional wreck, hell, was I becoming bi-polar? I told myself by the time I hit the Winston line that I was going to the hospital. I could not understand where this "depression" was coming from. After working in the hospital for so long, I knew the typical questions that were coming up... "Do you feel safe at home?", "Is anyone hurting you?", "Are you or is there a chance that you could be pregnant?". So I stopped by the store before I got to the house and bought 2 test. I went straight to the bathroom when I got home and took test #1... IMMEDIATELY it was POSITIVE. There had to be a mistake. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant. The test wasn't supposed to result that quickly. Test #2... same results. I was scared to get off the toilet, but when I finally managed to get the feeling back in my legs I went straight to my roommate in tears because I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to say. When I held the test out in my hands, the words could not come out of my mouth, I was still in shock. 

I remember feeling so many emotions at once. I was disappointed, I was excited, I was SCARED! Oddly enough, my first (AND ONLY) phone call was to my older sister. I knew if there was ANYONE that understood what was going on or what I was feeling, it would be her. She did manage to settle my fears and help get myself back in check.  

I had to wait a couple weeks before I was able to get into the doctor's office... 16 days seemed like a year as I was wondering just how far along I was. Because I did not have that answer, I was terrified to tell my parents about my pregnancy. I knew their very first questions would be the time frame along with who the father was. I am not going to lie, I wasn't sure at 1st but I knew it was between the 2 people that I had been involved with off and on. When I went to the first doctor's appointment, they gave me my options and confirmed I was pregnant. 

"Well thanks doc you're about 2 weeks late and I have already considered my options, but how far along am I??

"Oh, well, we will have to do an ultrasound in order to determine that. We'll schedule an ultrasound appointment for a later date."  

I about lost my mind!! However, I was able to talk the receptionist into scheduling my appointment ASAP, which went from a month away to 2 days later. The upside to knowing people!! So 2 days later I found out I was 12 1/2 weeks pregnant. There it was... I had all my answers even if I did not want to come to terms with them. 

Again, I called my sister and tried to figure out how to break the news to my parents. I wanted to tell them in person but they are all so far away so I decided that, once again, I'd wait. I originally was scheduled to visit for Jaxon's birthday party but that got cancelled at the last minute so I was left back at square one. My mom was happy but wondered why I had not told her sooner and dad, well, I heard he was not too excited to find out thru a text message (but he was in school and not even home so I had no idea how to guarantee he got the message). There it was... the news was out!!!

About a month later, I was scheduled for another ultrasound and this time I was to find out the sex of the baby. My mother and Ava came into town for the appointment which made a world of difference. Talk about a time needing your mother... that's it. Again, I was scared and excited to find out whether I'd be welcoming a little girl or a little boy into the world. The appointment happened so fast and there on the screen in front of me was my very active LITTLE GIRL! As bad as I wanted the results to be a boy, I quickly adjusted to the idea of a little girl coming into my life in the next 5 months. From there, Little Miss Emma Marie was established. This is also when my sister went from being my go-to person to Negative Nancy. She was constantly telling me how bad life was about to be and even went as far as telling me I could not name my daughter Emma and if I did then she was going to have another daughter and there would be 2 Emma's in the family. 

So the next 4 months just seemed to be a blur. I had the final fallout with my sister after her "You're such a bitch, no one would tell you that you should of had an abortion" comment, Zack and I had our fallouts, and I started to realize who my real friends were. Trust me, being pregnant shows you who is really there for you and those who only want you around when they are looking to go out for a good time. I also went from being constantly confused over my feelings for the one person I've always been in love with to knowing exactly where they need to stand at this time in my life. I learned that it was important to get all your ducks in a row because you are not the only one to think about anymore. Being pregnant changed my ideas on life and changed me as a person. I've watched this little girl grow inside me... kicking and twirling... I've seen her move from side to side from the outside. It is one thing to know that I'm developing this little gem inside but it is a whole other thing to see her press her head, butt, or foot against my insides. Being pregnant has not been easy. I've been scared multiple times but I truly could not have come this far without my amazing family and friends that I have on my support team. 

So here we are...

Today, we have hit 37 weeks. Only 3 weeks left to go... 21 days... less than a month! I have fallen in love with this little girl and I have not even met her yet. The anticipation is killing me and I cannot wait to be holding her in my arms. I cannot wait to see the smile on her face, to dry her tears, to give her the love and support only a mother can give. I want to give this little girl the world! The idea of giving birth terrifies me... the idea that I may not have all the answers, I may suck at being a mom, that I may do something wrong... it all scares me to death. However, there is some level of comfort in knowing that my family is behind me 100% (minus my sister), Emma's father is planning on being involved and his family is excited about their future grandbaby, and our friends support us both in every way possible. I could not have done this without Jen holding me as I stood in front of her showing her my results, Carolyn holding my hand at that very 1st appt, Boone throwing me an amazing baby shower, Stanley always looking out for my best interests & being my body guard, and - MOSTLY - my brother for cheering me up when I cried, constantly reminding me that he's always got my back, and just simply letting me know how much he loves me.     

So here is to 3 more weeks of sleepless nights, off-kilter sleeping patterns, feeling sick, the indigestion, the constant need to pee, and the uncomfortable sensations that happen on a constant & regular basis. 

Intentions

Our intentions are always pure. We always want to do what’s right but we also have the drive to push boundaries so we’re in danger of taking things too far. We’re told to do no harm while we’re trained to cut you open with a knife. So we do things when we should have let will enough alone because it’s hard to admit when there’s no problem to treat. To let it alone before we make it so much worse. Before we cause such terrible damage.

We constantly tell ourselves that we do everything with the best of intentions. Sometimes, we fail to realize that we do not always know what is best. Some of us are selfish and do what is best us, while others are selfless and still end up with the same end result. I've been struggling over the past few months, after learning of my pregnancy, on figuring out what is best for me and the baby. While I know the reasoning in my heart for everything I want to happen, I have been called selfish for trying to do what is best. Decisions aren't as easy to make when there is more than one life involved and now there are 3 or more to consider.



The hardest part of this pregnancy has been reading a text my very own sister sent me telling me that I'm such a bitch to everyone that no one would tell me that I should of had an abortion. Why, you ask? Well because she hates the way things have turned out in her life and instead of making things better, she chooses to be bitter. It's hard to imagine that someone's hatred could affect me the way that it did. So here I am trying to figure out how to bridge a gap between someone who wished death on my unborn child or wonder if it's even worth it. I cried ALL DAY the day I got that text message and it still pops up in my head on a regular basis. How do you get something like that out of your mind?



Then, there is figuring out life after the baby is born. I think we both have the best of intentions when it comes to what we want when Emma gets here but wondering if that's how things are supposed to be is a lingering thought. I have to say pre-baby hasn't been easy and pre - prebaby has been even harder. I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not making the right decisions, I'm scared that I'm going to be unhappy, I'm scared that I'm scared. I dont admit to that often so it's staring me right in the face as I've entered my final 30 days (quite possibly less) before Emma's arrival.



I think the greatest decision that I made though was moving out of my current living arrangements due to the fact that the drug-addict roommate would not leave or pay his bills on time which left the constant threat of the other 2 of us being evicted. Selfish at its finest! However, the worst part about it was leaving one of my friends. It's just not the same without seeing her everyday and that little butthead, Carl. :)

Dear John

Dear John,

I sit and stare at the walls, I look thru the pictures, I go thru the motions every day, and some how I feel that I am just not there. I feel like I have built this life around me rather than for me. I lost myself the day I lost you. It was for the better but now I look in the mirror and wonder did I just start back at square one? Why do I feel lost again? Things are changing and I have no idea how to make them stop. I've lost you and I cannot find my way back to you when that is all I seem to crave. 

I'm living a life that should of been revolved around you. I admit I'm a failure. I was living a lie - You expected and wanted so many things from me and eventually I convinced myself I wanted them too... some how more than you. What if I would of said no when I first met you? What if I would of stuck with my first instinct? From day one I knew I would be the one giving in everytime but again, some how I convinced myself that is what I wanted... to lose myself in you. Now, what do I have to show for it? I beat myself up day and night because its finally stuck me right in the gut with the fact that I FAILED. 

The appetite I once had for life is gone. 

But can I tell you a secret?

Failure was never an option.

You see I cried. I was ready to give up. I was begging to rid you from my life, to give me someone who would truly love me unconditionally, to take away the pain that I've felt, and what I was given was much more than I could ever imagine. However, this is where I have hit my rut. 

You see, I see the pain your eyes for it matches the pain in mine. The only difference is I have felt mine far longer than you. I didn't give up on you... I've simply waited. Sometimes I wonder if I waited too long or maybe just not enough. I pull and you push but when you pull, I push for I am scared of you. I am scared of what you do to me. I am scared of the way you make me feel. Most of all, I'm scared that we are both so scared because we know we can make it work but are too stubborn to do so. 

Do you see what you do to me?

Am I delusional? 

More than likely but I deal with it. I put one foot in front of the other and I keep on going. I make things work day in and day out but more than likely that is why I'm just living in a shell. Some how I need to find my way back for the sake of myself and those around me. I gave too much when you gave too little. Yet, I am stuck feeling that I still didnt give enough. Some things will never change while the things that needed to did. Sometimes that still just isnt enough!

Life Goes On Even When We Fail To!

When you’re little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different… self doubt, loneliness, regret… and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark.

When I was in high school, my senior project consisted of an autobiography. My Life written by Me. I found that autobiography the other day and it literally brought me to tears. I had to leave town, I had to be around people that reminded me I was loved, quite frankly, I just had to get away. Parts of my past that I've locked in the back of my mind were unlocked and unleashed a fury of emotions. To think that was almost 10 years ago that I wrote about some of the difficult times that I faced in my life but I also wrote about my future. As a senior in high school, I was optimistic of my future... I was already going to be a Doctor, be married, and had children as I spent this lavish life traveling the world. When in reality, almost 10 years down the road, I'm about to be a single mother and working as a contractor for an investigations company. I've been in nursing, followed by bartending, and now this. Who knew that I would not have followed that path I set for myself. 

Some days I dont know whether to feel happy or ashamed. I'm happy that I'm healthy, happy that I am in the process of creating an amazing little human being, I am happy that I don't struggle everyday, and I am happy that I have the amazing people in my life that I do. However, I often feel ashamed that I have not settled down, that I lost the love of my life, that I will never love another man the way that I love him, but mostly that I am about to have a child with a man that I am not married to. Its hard to be happy when so many things or ideals are pushed on you or you have set for yourself. 

So it leaves me confused over my situation. Now, do not get me wrong, I am EXCITED about becoming a mother. I cannot imagine what my life is going to be like for the next 18 years but I know I am ready for the journey. I went from being told I would spend the rest of my life on birth control and even without would never have children to getting the news of this little miracle. I accepted the fact after I was delivered that news and was even reaffirmed when I had my miscarriage. So for this to be happening is absolutely mind blowing and I could not be happier. However, the circumstances leading to this little miracle are where I am not so thrilled. I am not in a relationship with the father nor do we speak on a regular basis. Its really hard to want him involved knowing that we will never be more than what we are. I spent my life going between parents on a weekly basis and told myself I would never allow my children to go thru that ordeal.

When they say that the only monsters that are real are the ones that are inside of us... they are absolutely accurate. Turns out mine are some BEASTS! I find myself constantly fighting a battle with these monsters. They like to throw in my face the thoughts of my childhood, the past mistakes I've made, the old relationships, the new relationships, and even my own self-doubt. 

I get to the point that I constantly wonder... can I just start over? Can I just go back to the beginning and make a new life? The answer is no... not without removing everything and everyone that got me to where I am today - with every heartache came a new understanding, with every struggle came a new triumph, with every setback came my comeback. Could I honestly say I'd be better off never going thru anything that I've been thru. No. I can start over though in a different way. I can set new plans and goals for myself. Make a new 10 year plan... Lord knows, I have nothing but time with a new one coming into this world. I know when I hold my baby for the first time, I will spend the rest of my life falling in love with him or her everyday. I know I will spend the rest of my life giving my child a life better than my own. I will do whatever it takes to be the best mother I can be.