PAIN CHANGED ME!
I've grown up a very independent person. I grew up with the mentality that if you want something done right then you have to do it yourself. There is no relying on another person or group of people to be there for you. That knowledge led me to believe that at a young age I was ready to venture out into the world. I was ready to be a grown up and I relied on no one to make that happen for me. When I struggled, I often struggled alone because in the end I knew I was the only person I could count on. My family could be there for me but they were only aware of once or twice that I ever struggled after I moved away. Struggling became a way of life for me and dealing with it all alone as well.
In the past couple of years, being a part of a close knit family (the were-gonna-be in-laws), I learned that family should be there for you thru the good and the bad. There is no use hiding behind a smile and trying to fake something with them because MOST of the time, they will be able to see right thru it. Recently I've allowed my family to become closer to me. I've kept myself guarded all these years because, once again at a young age, I learned it was the best way to keep myself from being disappointed. While I still hold my heart captive and it'll be a LONG TIME before anyone will even get close, I have allowed my family to enter a closer circle within me that they have not been able to reach in my 24 years of life. Now a days, I enjoy calling them just to chat and find out about how things are going where before I wouldnt talk to them for weeks --> months at a time.
I say all that to lead up to the fact that I have spent soooooo much more time with them over the past 6 months than I have in over 3 years. Ma Sophia, Richard, Sam, and Anneliese were there for me when Ryan and I ended our engagement, driving 6 hours to cheer me up and try to help Ryan and I work things out. All my parents were there when I got the worst news of my life after that. When I was ready to give up on life, my little sister was knocking on my door just to come help me unpack a couple boxes and have dinner with me and give me just a little bit more of encouragement. When I just needed someone to cry with on the phone or someone to say I know it hurts but I love you and if its meant to be then it'll happen or someone else will come into your life and show you why it didnt work out... there was my momma & Eric, dad & Ronna and/or older sister! I love being able to find a stronger connection with each and every one of them. Now every time I am with any one of them, I hate to leave or see them go. I crave being with them just a little bit longer. I love wanting to talk/text them just to say hello. I love building up the relationship we should of had so many years ago.
I have been extremely blessed over the past few months to have the time that I have had with them. Spending this past week with my mom, Eric, and Ava has made such a big difference in my attitude. I can feel my happiness exude thru me attitude towards other people and thru my work. I am happier with them being a part of my life and want that happiness to spread to the people around me.
You do not understand making it thru these past 6 months is a milestone for me. I almost did not make it thru them in the early months... I was ready to give up, I mean really ready to give up and didnt care how I went out of this world. I lost all hope, all strength, all faith and all of me. I was taking pain pills to keep me from physically and emotionally hurting and was asleep days at a time and drank all the times I was awake until I slept some more. I became very destructive but in the midst of my struggles, I knew I only had a few people still there for me and that was my family and less than a handful of close friends or friends that became closer. It was truly amazing the people who I thought I was close to who disappeared after all the disaster but it made me realize even more how I needed to keep my friends close and my enemies closer. I will never make that mistake again.
I am looking forward to the new year and planning new New Year's Resolutions. I am going to be thinking more outside the box. While I still want to maintain my healthy lifestyle, I want to also explore a more exciting life style. I want to start planning some actual vacation times for the year like Mardi Gras in February, maybe a Vegas weekend, looking at skydiving, maybe a weekend at a California winery, and definitely more visits to see the family. I guess the first step is getting the ball rolling in my brain and making plans for myself. We'll see how that list turns out in the next 7 days!
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