A Year in Pictures - January 31st, 2013

One Month Down, Another 11 to Go!

I thank God for such a wonderful month of self discovery 

and pray that I can make great use of the next 11!

<3

First time I've worn my hair curly in...

oh, I dont know, 3 months (atleast)!

A Year in Pictures - January 30th, 2013

Taking a break at THE Baptist

Staying an extra 4 hrs since they are so short tonight!

This is what happens when a floor is good to you...

You do what you can to have their backs!

Follow Your Heart

Dear Girl, 

I think its time for you to let go of him. 

He has hurt you and me too much. 

Just let the memories fade. Its time to leave him behind.

 I know it'll be hard but its for the best, trust me. 

Remember, always follow your heart and everything will be fine. 

Love always, 

Your Heart.

Ever since I started writing this blog I have been messaged about people going thru the same situations, offering up advice, looking for more advice and just an overall gratitude for someone actually stepping up to say something. We all have our "Ryan" at some point in our lives. That one person that completely shatters your world... unintentionally or intentionally. My advice then is to follow your heart. Not the part that is in love with someone but that part that is in love with YOURSELF. It makes a world of difference when you live your life for you and not for trying to make someone else happy. YOU are the most important person in your life and you have to take care of that person because in order to build stronger relationships with others, you have to have a strong one in yourself. In the end, whether things work out or fall apart, you will be separated from that love by choice or by death and all you have is yourself.

Am I bitter about the situation still or towards Ryan? Not at all! I appreciate him taking that step when I didnt. I knew things werent right between us anymore after he proposed but I didnt have the courage to speak up. I didnt want to disappoint his family or my family and mostly not Ryan. It didnt seem to matter how much I loved him, the timing just wasnt right. I, ultimately, rushed him into something he wasnt ready for. He was nothing but good to me for the 2 years up to those last 6 months we were together things just went super south after the proposal, especially the month of September. On the other hand, I am still pretty bitter when it comes to love. I have found a new appreciation for life and the only person that I am in love with these days is myself. I see other couples in love and I wonder if I will ever find that again especially when I see my old engagement photos... I once looked that way and you can see it in the candid shots of our shoot but now I'm not even sure I know what love is anymore. All I know is that I dont want to find it, I dont want it to find me. I was once told that Ryan was my soulmate but I guess it was just wrong time/wrong place and I cant see myself ever being in love with another person in that capacity. So instead I just live my life one day at a time, which has opened several doors for me so far this year. It makes me happier to only try to please myself instead of trying to please others, especially a guy! I think that is what I like about Casey so much. I do not have to try to please him... he's not here! Doesn't make our friendship any less special though. Every time I was with him was nothing short of absolutely amazing. Talking/Skyping/Texting him on a daily basis puts a smile on my face and keeps my spirits high but its sad that I am incapable of giving/offering any part of myself to him other than friendship because he does make me incredibly happy but that part of me isnt there anymore.

It's just a weird feeling I guess. I have found myself incredibly happy and blessed in these last few weeks but at the same time I'm empty. Empty in the sense of those "love" feelings and I dont really care whether or not I have them I guess. Obviously Casey makes me happy but in all honesty I think I would be just as happy if I wasnt talking to him because my mindset has just changed drastically. Which brings me to everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was the reason for everything happening in my life. I had too many insecurities and was too eager to be in love, get married and have a family. These past 6 months have gone from bad to worse to survivable and now getting better to great. The insecurities I had, I've dealt with. Its funny how building a better relationship with yourself changes that. I dont get bothered with being jealous (which was my biggest flaw) because I just dont care. I know what I deserve and if someone isnt willing to give that to me then there is no use wasting my time or yours. Its not hard to just be honest with someone. If you or they cannot handle the truth then why waste the energy of getting jealous? Just find someone that has the same comfortability level and things work out for the best; again, which is why I think Casey and I get along so well. I fought the feelings of not being good enough for so long, which is why I gave every part of myself in a relationship. I did the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, the gift-giving, the sex life, I literally did everything I could to make people happy in my relationships but now I realize that a relationship is built on both parties giving equally to each other. No one person should have to do it all. Me not being enough would of been a losing battle for the rest of my life if I would of continued on that road but it took finding myself to realize that every bit of me is wonderful and that I can make someone happy without giving away everything I have upfront and even making them work for my affection every now and then. 

Overall, I've learned that doing things in my own way and being sure to put myself first has made all the difference in my life. It makes me feel good to finally stand up for myself and do what is best for me. 

A Year in Pictures - January 29th, 2013

 

I can use the "crackpot" to make an amazing meal

&

still be ready for work on time!

(1st meal I've made in 3 months)

Finally getting back to normal!

A Year in Pictures - January 28th, 2013

Waking up to his texts in the morning 

always puts a smile on my face! 

I mean really with a smile like that 

how could he not make me happy! ;)

A Year in Pictures - January 27th, 2013

I love getting dressed up! ;)

A Year in Pictures - January 26th, 2013

Elixir is the place to be!

A Year in Pictures - January 25th, 2013

Happiness is Contagious!

Someone Special

Anyone can make you smile or cry,

but it takes someone special to make you smile

when you already have tears in your eyes...

I decided this year that i would take the high road. I want to be happy - with my self, my life, my attitude, my everything! I've spent so long letting the negative outweigh the positive, constantly being disappointed, & being pessimistic! I'm tired of that... It's exhausting! So I've opened up a door in my life that I hope remains open in my heart!

There are days I struggle and there are days that seem to easy but in all days I accept what is given. I pray for patience, I pray for understanding, and I pray that when it does get rough that I continue to focus on what is important instead of what frustrates me. I have to say that using this method helps me on a daily basis and I find myself pleasantly hopeful still at the end of a bad day. Now I've touched on how important a good attitude is before because we really do not realize how much our attitudes affect others. I continue to try to exude a light to others even when they try to put mine out.

My light, these days, seems to burn a little brighter due to a new friend that has come into my life. He may not be here everyday to see in person or touch but he never fails to let me know he's there. He reminds me everyday how amazing I am and how happy he is that we met. We always have something to talk about even if it's stupid. He's brought out a side of me that I never knew I had and makes me want to be more open to things around me. It's easier, now, for me to be more light hearted about things of my past. Between the constant disappointment that broke me to the humiliation that shattered me... They both did their part in molding me. I have to accept the things I cannot change but I'm willing to fight for the things that I can. I've been down dark roads because I've allowed darkness to consume me but not anymore! You can knock me down, beat me, or try to destroy me but I'm just going to look you dead in the face as I get back up, dust myself off, and keep moving forward!

I have a lot of things to look forward to this year which is another part that keeps me going. Still looking into flights to Hawaii & Colorado (I've always wanted to go skiing there), Vegas may be put on hold for a trip to Chicago instead, Charleston (the sooner the better), California, and of course trips to see the family in Texas, Alabama, Georgia, and again to Tennessee! Not to mention, tonight I was supposed to start bartending at Elixir! I've talked about doing this again for so long and now I'm FINALLY doing it! Until another night though with better weather! Cant wait though! =)

Oh the possibilities I never realized I had but most of all... No one to stand in my way!

A Year in Pictures - January 24th, 2013

This is how my baby boy, Shadow, sleeps!

A Year in Pictures - January 23rd, 2013

Sitting hiding in the bathroom

 because I'm literally about to open up 

a can of whoop a** on this unit! 

Yep, i said it!

A Year in Pictures - January 22nd, 2013

To anyone who knows the importance of a moon 

when you're separated by a great distance!

A Year in Pictures - January 21st, 2013

Because just one picture simply cannot do it justice!

Casey: Lets have a staring contest

Me: Easy, I win!

A Year in Pictures - January 20th, 2013

In the Mall of all the Stars in Nashville!

A Year in Pictures - January 19th, 2013

Because I'm never too old to get beat up by my older sister! 

I love my family! 

If anything good came from my past...

 It's the renewed love of the future! 

A Year in Pictures - January 18, 2013

Valentine's Day Shop

#1 Seller

Hahaha

After everything I've been thru even i don't feel that harshly about any guy!

Still... Hilarious!

A Year in Pictures - January 17th, 2013

Had our 1st Skype Chat tonight since he's left!

He's incredible!

A trip to Hawaii just may be in my NEAR future!

A Year in Pictures - January 16th, 2013

Casey landed in Hawaii safely

... 

and he made sure to rub it in! 

This is going to be a long 6 months.

A Smile Goes a Long Way

Live life fully while you're here. 

Experience everything. 

Take care of yourself and your friends. 

Have fun, be crazy, be weird.

Go out and screw up! 

You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. 

Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: 

find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. 

Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human!!

I have learned over the past couple of weeks what it means to live life to the fullest. Here I have been up one day and down the next; crying in an instant and then happy as a clam at other times. I know that it doesn't matter what you go thru in life, we are all going to have those times/moments but you know at the end of the day each experience teaches you something. 

Here I have been dwelling on the past and pushed aside the potential people who could be my future. For once, I took a chance on someone and I have to say I am pretty pleased. I have opened myself up to people who I wouldnt normally and have made some incredibly amazing new friends. I like going out and having a drink just as much as I like staying in. I like being around people who have no care in the world but to be happy and live each day like it's their last. It has opened my eyes to the possibilities of what stands in front of me. I know I am not perfect and you would be silly to think that you were but each and every one of us holds something special about ourselves that brightens each room that we walk into. That uplifts someone even when we dont realize the impact that we have on their lives at that time.

I am a floater at WFUBMC, which means I am usually never on the same floor consecutively. I fill in holes when others call out. I get the opportunity to work several different units in the hospital and get to gain great experience in each specialty. When patients thank me for my help each day, it is normally followed with a "will you be here in the morning/evening? (whichever shift I'm working that day)" and my response is usually well I dont know and give them my job description. Under most circumstances, I do not see these patients again because they are usually gone before I am needed on the floor again.So it came as a bit of a shock when I came back to the same floor that I worked Saturday (dayshift) on Tuesday (nighshift) and had the same patients from the prior shift. 

Saturday was one of my patient's birthday. I made sure to be extra cheery with him through out the day which included singing him Happy Birthday when I woke him up and singing it to him once more right before I left. We talked through out the day and I shared that even though it wasnt my birthday Saturday but Monday, I would be busy Monday and unable to celebrate so I would celebrate on his birthday if he was willing to share. We laughed and it was our ongoing joke for the afternoon. Well tonight when I came in and I went in to say hello both him and his wife met me with a big smile and said HAPPY BIRTHDAY! At this point they sang to me and said even though my birthday was Monday they wanted me to know how much they appreciated me and would sing to me anyways and handed me a box of chocolate covered cherries as a birthday gift. They continued to tell me how they knew that I may not return before his discharge from the hospital but just in case I did they wanted me to know that because I made his birthday so special while he was stuck in the hospital bed that they too wanted to make mine special. She continued with, "Your smile was so contagious that day, there is no way we couldnt let you know just how much we appreciate you!" I told them thank you and I didnt feel like I could accept them but I appreciated the thought but that was not what they wanted to hear! They made sure I walked out with those cherries. I walked out of that room with tears in my eyes. 

The fact that they pointed out that my smile was that contagious that I made their day Saturday just made me feel about 10 feet tall. The fact that I made his day just made my night! I did not realize just how much my attitude affected them that day. I know I've come to work in bad moods before so it made me wonder do I pull people down when I am down? Well if I do then I dont want to anymore. I want to be that little ray of sunshine that can light up a room anytime I walk in. I want to be the reason, if for nothing else, people smile for just an instant. Whether I make you smile, you're laughing at my stupidity, or just smiling because you are putting me down... well at least you do it with a smile on your face. I think the best part of all of it was the fact of why I was smiling so much on Saturday. It had A LOT to do with my company from Friday night that would also be my company for my Saturday night birthday festivities. Friday I got to go on a date with an incredible man. My friend kinda went MIA, we were going to set up his friend with mine. So he ended up 3rd wheel and he felt awkward at 1st but he was a pretty great guy himself and loosened up before too long. The 3 of us had an awesome time so by Saturday it only got better but I got to introduce him to a different friend of mine and they seemed to hit it off. As I said in other posts though, my fella is leaving for Hawaii and then Afghanistan so as of this morning I will not be able to seem him til June. Just when we are hitting off things so well. We have decided though that we will be able to keep in contact via telephone throughout his time in Hawaii and we can skype whenever he is in Afghanistan plus some time while he's in Hawaii too! So we have our 1st skype date this weekend! :) Is it weird to look forward to a skype session? hahah

I feel like things are just falling into place. I am no where near where I thought I would be but I am happy seeing how far I've come. I may not have the husband, the family, the house, the car, or the boat; but I have great family and friends that stand beside me whenever I need them most, a life to be thankful for, and most of all a future to live to the fullest. I have already experienced some amazing things with some amazing people this year and I cannot wait to see how the rest of the year unfolds. I've even added a trip to Colorado to my list of places to go this year. I've always wanted to ski in CO and it seems as if this will be the year for it. Still looking forward to a trip to Vegas even though it may not go as planned because Tori, after long awaiting this time, is on her way to the Navy in April with an anticipated graduation in June (our Vegas trip month). So instead of Vegas, I will be going to see my friend take the next step of her life, which I cannot be more excited for!!

A Year in Pictures - January 15th, 2013

Added a little something extra to my hair today!

A Year in Pictures - January 14th, 2013

To 25 years of 

ups and downs 

successes and failures

...

but having incredible people by my side

every step of the way! 

...

Now to a year of putting all the puzzle pieces together.

Finding the beauty in the ugliest times

and falling in love with myself all over again!

A Year in Pictures - January 13th, 2013

Counting down the hour so that i can finally say I'm a QUARTER century! ;)

Kiss Me Like You Wanna Be Loved!

You know that moment when you look at what is standing in front of you 

and realize it can only go up from here... 

I've beat myself up, I've broken myself down, I've beat Ryan up, I'm sure I've broken him and I even allowed him to beat me up and break me down a time or two. Self-realization is a beautiful thing and knowing the difference between what it is you feel is right and what you have to do is right is such a simple concept once you stop complicating things. (I'm going to modify this box speech) We were supposed to get married, suppose to have a family, suppose to be together forever but we took something beautiful and put it in a box. All we've done for over 2 years is beat against those walls and tear each other part. I'm sure I am guilty of doing most of the tearing apart but none the less we both had our parts. We got out of that and we can't hurt each other anymore. We cant destroy each other any longer. Ryan, I doubt you read this anymore but you deserve something and someone beautiful. You can be a good guy when you want to be. Don't hide things like you did  with me with the next girl. Remember that every experience you've had made you the person that you are. You cheated and you learned from that experience, you had been cheated on and you learned from that experience, so don't lie to the next girl. Finding out about the experiences you had after we split up made me realize how much I did not know the man I was about to marry. You have some wonderful qualities and I thank you for sharing them with me and opening me up more. Thank you for being by my side when I ended up in the hospital, being my best friend for 2 years, for putting up with my BS longer than you should have, but most of all for sharing your family with me. I know right now you won't/don't forgive me for things that have happened over the course of time but I am glad you made the decision to get out when you did. I disliked that decision at the time because of the poor excuses you used and the people you let make/weigh heavily on that decision for you but I'm glad they did. Sometimes we dont open our eyes to the things that we should because we are so clouded with "being in love". Do I doubt that he loved me? Everyday of those last 6 months that we were together but that is the great thing about it all, you should never have a  doubt with the man/woman you love and now I know that. You should know without a shadow of a doubt that that person is still falling in love with you everyday and that you feel the same way and THAT is how you know its meant to be. That is the person that you marry. Yeah I've been feeling everything; from hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth and I guess that's just how I know.

When you look back and regret the moments that were made... just turn back around. Every tattoo I have has a meaning. On my back cross, hangs a banner that says No Regrets. I've sure there are decisions that I've made that I could easily say I regret but those decisions that I made have impacted/made me into the person that I am so I've simply changed my mind. They always say that the person with the most power in a relationship is the one that cares the least which is a reason for my last tattoo... There once was a little girl never knew love until a boy broke her heart. I will carry that hurt in my heart for the rest of my life because he too will be apart of me for the rest of my life. The thing is - I will not allow that hurt to harvest itself. I know what I did in my relationship that rocked our already cracked foundation, I know that I carried the hurt/pain/devastation of a previous relationship and I allowed it to cast a black cape over just about every emotion that I felt when I was in that relationship. Females are normally the ones of caring too much, its that motherly instinct and they are normally the ones shattered and devastated in the end because all they did was try to protect what was theirs. Some people just either don't need that protection or want to offer you protection as well, its all about accepting it. So do I regret being taught what it means to love someone fully and whole-heartedly and then being trashed? No, Not any more I don't! Its made me realize that each day is a new beginning even when you're with the same person. Its made me realize not to take for granted those little moments like a simple good morning or good bye kiss because it could be the last one you two share. Most of all, I've learned that it doesn't matter whether or not you give all of yourself to someone because either way they are going to leave whenever they are ready. Its the circle of life.

I've always been the one giving and I have to say its mighty nice when you give up absolutely nothing and someone wants to give to you for a change. I started dating here and there. I've had some crazy, noteworthy experiences; my share of crazy folks, too much of a goodie-goodie, too bad boyish, but I think I met someone I could actually be in a relationship with. A song played last night and as my eyes met his I just knew something felt right but when he kissed me, it didn't just feel right but it made me forget everything and everybody around me at that very moment like it was just the two of us left in the world. Am I rushing into something? Nope! Do I want to? Nope because I want this to be right this time and when you meet someone that is willing to accept that then you just kinda know you can't go wrong. So I guess these next six months are going to be full of skype dates/chats... guess its going to be the first of many when it comes to being involved with an Army guy! 

A Year in Pictures - January 12th, 2013

Because he's the guy that puts a smile on my face!

A Year in Pictures - January 11th, 2013

My first baby boy, Charlie!

Something is Going to Happen.

In 2 more weeks...

I am going MIA. 

Taking a hiatus from writing/posting 

Facebook

Google+

People 

Work 

Yep... EVERYTHING.

A Year in Pictures - January 10th, 2013

Oh Shadow! He wanted to die that day!

A Year in Pictures - January 9th, 2013

He's a pointer even in his sleep!

A Year in Pictures - January 8th, 2013

My best friend

I love her!

Technical Difficulties

Well folks having technical difficulties on my last posting, its not been deleted its just cut off the last half of the post so hopefully when I make it back to my computer in NC then I can fix the post, Its History. Until then...

A Year in Pictures - January 7th, 2013

The Melting Pot - Columbia, SC
AMAZING!
Met amazing ladies tonight and get to spend time with my very best friend! Doesn't matter how far apart we at... The second we get back together it's like we never skipped a beat!

Its History

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

-J.D. Salinger

When I began this blog it was a way to a means of getting out the negative emotions and ideas that I had. It was also meant to share the good that came about in my life. Most of all it was meant to be a place that I could come back to and see for myself the things that I've been through and how I've dealt with them whether it be physically or emotionally or spiritually and positively or negatively. 

I am going to add in a disclaimer on this one from the beginning. Some parts of this blog entry are going to be graphic, parts with foul language, parts that will make you sit back and think, and even parts that might just make some people down right angry. I said I was airing out the good, the bad, and the ugly; well this here will be truth. Use it as a learning tool because while it may be part of my past, you may encounter similar situations in near or distant future. 

I have dealt with the situations in my life as best I could. I took little advice from friends and even littler advice from family over the years. Over the past couple of months that has changed drastically. I take into account other thoughts on situations and now I find myself more open to talking to people and accepting their critism for things that are either my fault or I was dumb to put up with for so long. This entry is going to be a little bit of letting go, a bit of asking for forgiveness, and just insight that I hope I can look back on and remember later.

Soooo....

Last night I planned a last minute girls night. A night of staying in and being with some of my favorite ladies. People who know me know that that does not happen often. I push away girls because I feel like they are deceitful and manipulative. I know... I am guilty sometimes myself sometimes! The few girls that I am actually FRIENDS with not just an acquaintance of are some really great woman and I would do anything for them because I know that they would have my back the same way. Some I've known for years and years and others I have just met or reacquainted with. Out of the 7 ladies that were invited - one had a game to see, 2 had work obligations, one ended up too sick, one just stopped texting me back and fell asleep, one promised me another weekend (she does live 2.5 hours away), and the other one was the only one to show up... Annie. Now some back history on Annie and I, we met in Boone through all of the mutual group of friends we hung out with regularly. She and I had a falling out about a year before Ryan and I started dating and didn't talk to each other again until maybe a year or so into us dating. We had a mutual respect for each other and left it at that. Recently, we ran into each other again at the place where her boyfriend bartends, Elixir. We talked things out that night and rekindled that friendship. One plus about that was we found out we lived in the same apartment complex! SCORE! ;)

Last night we caught up on things and eventually got into the more serious side of conversation which was The Breakup. I'm at the point that I can talk about it almost completely without crying or feeling bad about it later and it even seems that each person that gets in-depth about it with me helps me to realize a lot of things that could/should have been different. I think the biggest thing I took from our discussion was having a relationship built on a SOLID foundation. Now my parents have always told me that I need to date/marry a Christian man and Ryan told me that the only reason he was saved was because he wanted to impress a girl so he did it. However, to me, that is not accepting Christ as your personal savior when you dont truly mean that from your heart. Not being a Christian was not something that I looked down on him for though. All of my parents are Christians and I have seen them married 3 & 4 times, so being a Christian does not determine the length of a marriage. Ryan's parents have been married all his life and still live a very happy life together; his mother is a church-goer, his father not so much. I believed that having that mutual respect for each other was a beautiful solid foundation and I figured that one day Ryan and I would have that same loving relationship that his parents have. Well Annie mentioned something that really opened my eyes, she said that with her and Adam they have a foundation built on Christ so she know that when it comes to promiscuity that she KNOWS that Adam believes that it is wrong so she doesnt have to worry about something like that in her relationship. Now for most people who know me well, you know that fear of being with a cheater/jealousy is often been a big down fall in my relationships. 

See Ryan took one thing from a sociology class that he had in college and said it to me often... his professor explained to the class that men are programmed to be with multiple women, made to sow their seed. So in order to do this without cheating after you get married then your wife should put on wigs... blonde, red, brunnette; whatever suits his fancy for that night. I've always said that I found that extremely inappropriate. Annie, once again, said it perfectly when she said its one thing to be like "Hi, I'm Annie the Sexy Flight Attendant but to just have sex with a flight attendant because that is who you are fantasizing about it wayyyy different".

Now this is different from the original post since I lost the bottom couple of paragraphs and without them then the others didnt make much sense to I chose to delete everything from this point forward. 

Bottom line is I never realized how important it was to build a relationship on a solid foundation. The reason my family has always preached having a Christ-centered foundation finally hit me home when Annie explained it in a different perspective. Guys... all ladies ask for in relationships is for a little bit of respect. Love them for who they are, not what you want them to look like in comparison to their girlfriends. You want to fantasize about your lady's girlfriends then simply end the relationship because that is the most humiliating thing in the world... to be sitting in a room from the someone who is your friend but your guy is at home fantasizing about behind close doors. That is just what I was every time I was with that crowd of friends... HUMILIATED! Yet, I am the one being called a bitch behind my back for calling people out on their BS. I'll take that name gladly knowing that I do not have to be humiliated anymore.

A Year in Pictures - January 6th, 2013

My new favorite! Thanks Eric for the intro!

I love the nights that you can stay in and have just as much fun as you could have going out. The night did not turn out as expected but it was a great night all the same. Thanks Annie!

Life Goes On....

I just ran across this post from a couple days ago and i busted out laughing before showing a curious patient and letting her read my post from a day or so prior to this response...

"I just got called crazy. Like on a serious level. All bc I wanted to love someone. Bc she didnt know how to handle it. Bc she wanted to punish the next great guy for what the last one did. Fucken twat. How dare you feed me your bullshit. Guess you just ended up being another notch like the rest of them."

1st off : He met me 2x and he threw out the L-word so no i don't know how to handle a stage 5 clinger.

2nd : Did he really just call himself a great guy? He had a girlfriend in SC and i gave him several opportunities to tell me about her before i finally called him out on it. Do not EVEN begin to compare yourself to my ex FIANCÉ. You are no where near on his level... Which is why he was worthy of my LOVE.

And FINALLY : Notch? Darling please you never had me!!


Get over yourself. You've got a lot of work to do before you're worthy of a woman like me.

Hahahahahahahaha

A Year in Pictures - January 5th, 2013

Running on about 3 hours of sleep in 2 days... Yeah i think I'm doing pretty swell! Almost called out this morning but glad i dragged myself off the couch! Day 3 almost done and then tomorrow I go to nights for a couple weeks!

A Year in Pictures - January 4th, 2013

I was used as a secretary on one if my favorite units since poor Frances is sick (hell must of froze over because this woman holds this unit together 12 hrs/day, 5 days/week) I will never underestimate her job on 7 Reynolds! I did my best but i'm sure she could dance circles around me! Haha

Ask and You Shall Receive

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” 

― Marilyn Monroe

I was flipping thru radio stations on the way to work this morning when I came across K-Love. There was a brief message followed by music but that 60 seconds was quite the eye opener on my drive. They said "Ask and you shall receive". They began to explain that when you want SOMETHING you MUST ASK for it and when you want NOTHING then GIVE THANKS! So before I walked into work today I prayed. I prayed that when I am angry, give me peace; when I am sad, bring me hope; when I am frustrated, bring me patience; but most of all when I am lonely, stand beside me. I also prayed for some more personal things but I must say it changed my attitude by the time I walked into the revolving door this morning. 

I guess that thru everything that has/had happened in the past few months, I never truly realized how beautiful life really was/is. I take care of people that are sick on a daily basis and here I am not living my life to the fullest. I was depressed and I took for granted the life that I did have for one that I could of had. Well that is about to change. 

We all learn lessons at different speeds and maybe it took 6 months for me to fully learn mine but I am happy that I can stand on my own two feet again. Its been hard adjusting and as I've said before and I'm sure I'll say many more times... I miss him and it sucks but like Ms. Monroe said, "Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything." This is not going to be the situation that makes me feel like a failure. We both made mistakes, mistakes we will both have to learn from, but this was just a speed bump in our lives. As Robert Frost says, “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”

In other news, I tried my hand at dating. I went out on a couple dates and was pretty bored with each one that I went out with. I finally met someone I enjoyed spending time with. We met the first time and by the 2nd time we were becoming more attached. Then came the holidays. He spent a week with "family" that turned out to be a girlfriend in another state. I, being the nosey person that I am and the fact that I am not stupid, found out about the girl and called him out on her. He preceded to tell me how he didnt realize how quickly and hard he'd fall for me and was seemed like one more "encounter" into saying I love you. Moving all a little fast for me...  The week after I spent time with my own family. Lots of texts messages and facebook comments, facebook messages, etc I started getting a little annoyed. I even told him that I could not handle his clinginess that he called paranoia. Well, after I made it back to Winston, I was being bombarded with the whole I want to see you, I need to see you, You do want to see me right? Please tell me you are going to spend the holidays with me? and from there it just seemed to escalate. I had to tell him to stop after he didnt get the hint that I was no longer messaging him back. 

Finally came New Years Eve... I worked all day and then some. I no longer felt like celebrating and finally he made me so mad (and of course I had a great friend to take me out to dinner and help me drown my sorrows... well we helped each other) so I went out. First thing that happened when we get to the bar, some girl comes up to me like she has known me for years. I am startled and trying to figure out how I know this person when she buys me a Vodka Tonic and steals my beer and preceeds to tell me that if I am not pleased with my drink then feel free to come "dry-hump" her on the dance floor. It was a good laugh so Victoria decided to post it on facebook... within a matter of minutes I got a phone call. Can you figure out who it was? 

Yeahhhh 

My dumb self did not recognize the number and for half a second I thought it was work calling for me to come back in so I answered. So he kept me away from my friend for a few minutes before she came looking for me. Lucky for me, I have a great friend that has my back and told him to stop being so pathetic and we hung up on him. 

Facebook Message

KiK Messenger Message

Voicemail

FINALLY my phone died! 

I get to enjoy the majority of my night until the next day when there are more facebook messages, kik messages, text messages, another voicemail, a comment/like on just about everything I post on facebook and google+. I asked him to stop, I told him to stop, and it all continued. Then last night, he had the audacity to add my friend, whom he had never met, on Google+ and she blocked him right there. I have finally resulted to blocking him from everything that I can. I hate crazy folks! 

If there is anyone else out there that wants to act all psycho and crazy then stay away. I dont have the time for it and I certainly wont take it. I'm over little boys and their games, if you cant step up and be a man then keep right on stepping. 

From here on out I will keep right on smiling... "because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

A Year in Pictures - January 3rd, 2013

I sure am blessed to have an amazing job, if i can touch just one person's life while i am here then I'm a happy girl! Not all days are good days but i couldn't ask to work for a better company!

Update:

Life touched and so was the family's... 

They bought not 1 but 2 boxes of donut holes! 

My job will make me fat haha 

I love it ;)

A Year in Pictures - January 2nd, 2012

Spending some time sweating out the toxins of the holidays! Plus done old lady got butt naked and bent over right in front of the sauna door... I saw glory! Haha Funny to see all these people in the gym... They won't be here after a couple weeks!

A Year in Pictures - January 1st, 2013

Day 1: Beginning of a New Year. After an amazing New Year's Eve with one of my best girls +Victoria Sparnicht, I am spending today recuperating. Rode to T-Mobile and then she made sure that I got collards, black-eyed peas, sweet potatoes, pork, and some pumpkin pie to top it off! Not to mention, we have started planning our June 2013 VEGAS trip!! Cant wait to see what the hear looks like by 2014!

New Hopes, New Dreams, New Ways

Life is a journey, Not a destination, There are no mistakes, Just chances we've taken

Lay down your regrets cause all we have is now

Early in the morning It’s the dawn of a new day

New hopes new dreams new ways

I open up my eyes and I open up my mind and I wonder how life will surprise me today

Early in the morning It’s the dawn of a new day 

New hopes new dreams new ways

I open up my heart and I’m gonna do my part

and

Make this a positively beautiful day

- India Arie

2012 had gone from the most amazing year to one of the worst. I went from being in a great and loving relationship to getting engaged to trying to be a mommy and then came the last 6 months... the breakup, the loss, the booze, the pills, the DUI and much much more. In the midst of all the negatives that came about, I found myself building better relationships with family and friends new&old! I pushed away many old friends because I didnt want to be reminded of the bad anymore plus some of them were never really friends in the 1st place which showed after the breakup. I developed those even better relationships with the few people that were able to hold my hand thru the wreckage. I still made some bad decisions here and there but overall I stood tall. I worked more, focused less, but was able to keep my feet on the ground. I used all of my negative energy in the gym and it brought about positive results. I started reading more and drinking less. I do not regret anything that happened over the past year, things may have weakened me to my knees but I needed that weakness to find my strength in the midst of all the chaos again. 

"Honey, you're a survivor. No shame in that. Your daddy hurt you something fierce. Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. It gives you a sense of safety, a place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it's a dark place, isn't it? Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies."

-The Shack

2013 is going to be about me. Building a stronger and healthier me. I'm not saying that its going to be easy because just like I started to tell Victoria last night and of course started crying, June will be a very hard month for me. June is our anniversary of every milestone in our relationship... from the time we started dating, when we got engaged, when we were going to get married; everything was June. Maybe June will be the month I go skydiving this year or the month I go to Vegas. Yes I said it... VEGAS! 

My NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS are to stop eating red meat, live a healthier lifestyle, travel more, be more spontaneous, make advancements towards my nursing degree and stop letting certain pit stops slow me down. I am already just about a vegetarian except I just cant seem to give up my salmon and very rarely I still eat chicken so I guess as of now I would be considered a Pescatarian. I want to continue to go to the gym, at least 3x a week, but also dip my toes into CrossFit  When I say I want to build a stronger, healthier me... I am not just talking physically [even though I elaborate on that the most], but emotionally and spiritually as well.

I am already in the midst of planning trips to include Nashville with Victoria and my family in just a couple short weeks *\o/* for my birthday, Charleston to explore the cold ocean with Zach haha, Mardi Gras with my momma & Eric, New York to visit Brogan (since he always has to come here), back to Texas to see my daddy & Ronna, a California Winery, and most of all Vegas! I feel like I need to start making a checklist and leave it on my fridge so that I can visualize this goal for myself. 

I am also looking at transferring back to Appalachian State to finish out my nursing degree. I'm so close and somehow I feel like I've sabotaged this long enough and what better place to go then to the place I love the most. Summer 2013 I'm hoping to become a Mountaineer again! 

I have so much to look forward to this year. I cannot wait to see how the year actually unfolds and I hope that I can continue to keep up with my blog so that not only can others see but I can look back come 2014 and say "Look at how far I've come... and I thought I was broken!" I'm excited and I hope that you guys enjoy taking this journey with me!

and so I leave you with this - 

Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I have caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes.  That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.

- Papa, The Shack

I plan to find Grace!