Follow Your Heart

Dear Girl, 

I think its time for you to let go of him. 

He has hurt you and me too much. 

Just let the memories fade. Its time to leave him behind.

 I know it'll be hard but its for the best, trust me. 

Remember, always follow your heart and everything will be fine. 

Love always, 

Your Heart.

Ever since I started writing this blog I have been messaged about people going thru the same situations, offering up advice, looking for more advice and just an overall gratitude for someone actually stepping up to say something. We all have our "Ryan" at some point in our lives. That one person that completely shatters your world... unintentionally or intentionally. My advice then is to follow your heart. Not the part that is in love with someone but that part that is in love with YOURSELF. It makes a world of difference when you live your life for you and not for trying to make someone else happy. YOU are the most important person in your life and you have to take care of that person because in order to build stronger relationships with others, you have to have a strong one in yourself. In the end, whether things work out or fall apart, you will be separated from that love by choice or by death and all you have is yourself.

Am I bitter about the situation still or towards Ryan? Not at all! I appreciate him taking that step when I didnt. I knew things werent right between us anymore after he proposed but I didnt have the courage to speak up. I didnt want to disappoint his family or my family and mostly not Ryan. It didnt seem to matter how much I loved him, the timing just wasnt right. I, ultimately, rushed him into something he wasnt ready for. He was nothing but good to me for the 2 years up to those last 6 months we were together things just went super south after the proposal, especially the month of September. On the other hand, I am still pretty bitter when it comes to love. I have found a new appreciation for life and the only person that I am in love with these days is myself. I see other couples in love and I wonder if I will ever find that again especially when I see my old engagement photos... I once looked that way and you can see it in the candid shots of our shoot but now I'm not even sure I know what love is anymore. All I know is that I dont want to find it, I dont want it to find me. I was once told that Ryan was my soulmate but I guess it was just wrong time/wrong place and I cant see myself ever being in love with another person in that capacity. So instead I just live my life one day at a time, which has opened several doors for me so far this year. It makes me happier to only try to please myself instead of trying to please others, especially a guy! I think that is what I like about Casey so much. I do not have to try to please him... he's not here! Doesn't make our friendship any less special though. Every time I was with him was nothing short of absolutely amazing. Talking/Skyping/Texting him on a daily basis puts a smile on my face and keeps my spirits high but its sad that I am incapable of giving/offering any part of myself to him other than friendship because he does make me incredibly happy but that part of me isnt there anymore.

It's just a weird feeling I guess. I have found myself incredibly happy and blessed in these last few weeks but at the same time I'm empty. Empty in the sense of those "love" feelings and I dont really care whether or not I have them I guess. Obviously Casey makes me happy but in all honesty I think I would be just as happy if I wasnt talking to him because my mindset has just changed drastically. Which brings me to everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was the reason for everything happening in my life. I had too many insecurities and was too eager to be in love, get married and have a family. These past 6 months have gone from bad to worse to survivable and now getting better to great. The insecurities I had, I've dealt with. Its funny how building a better relationship with yourself changes that. I dont get bothered with being jealous (which was my biggest flaw) because I just dont care. I know what I deserve and if someone isnt willing to give that to me then there is no use wasting my time or yours. Its not hard to just be honest with someone. If you or they cannot handle the truth then why waste the energy of getting jealous? Just find someone that has the same comfortability level and things work out for the best; again, which is why I think Casey and I get along so well. I fought the feelings of not being good enough for so long, which is why I gave every part of myself in a relationship. I did the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, the gift-giving, the sex life, I literally did everything I could to make people happy in my relationships but now I realize that a relationship is built on both parties giving equally to each other. No one person should have to do it all. Me not being enough would of been a losing battle for the rest of my life if I would of continued on that road but it took finding myself to realize that every bit of me is wonderful and that I can make someone happy without giving away everything I have upfront and even making them work for my affection every now and then. 

Overall, I've learned that doing things in my own way and being sure to put myself first has made all the difference in my life. It makes me feel good to finally stand up for myself and do what is best for me.