You know that moment when you look at what is standing in front of you
and realize it can only go up from here...
I've beat myself up, I've broken myself down, I've beat Ryan up, I'm sure I've broken him and I even allowed him to beat me up and break me down a time or two. Self-realization is a beautiful thing and knowing the difference between what it is you feel is right and what you have to do is right is such a simple concept once you stop complicating things. (I'm going to modify this box speech) We were supposed to get married, suppose to have a family, suppose to be together forever but we took something beautiful and put it in a box. All we've done for over 2 years is beat against those walls and tear each other part. I'm sure I am guilty of doing most of the tearing apart but none the less we both had our parts. We got out of that and we can't hurt each other anymore. We cant destroy each other any longer. Ryan, I doubt you read this anymore but you deserve something and someone beautiful. You can be a good guy when you want to be. Don't hide things like you did with me with the next girl. Remember that every experience you've had made you the person that you are. You cheated and you learned from that experience, you had been cheated on and you learned from that experience, so don't lie to the next girl. Finding out about the experiences you had after we split up made me realize how much I did not know the man I was about to marry. You have some wonderful qualities and I thank you for sharing them with me and opening me up more. Thank you for being by my side when I ended up in the hospital, being my best friend for 2 years, for putting up with my BS longer than you should have, but most of all for sharing your family with me. I know right now you won't/don't forgive me for things that have happened over the course of time but I am glad you made the decision to get out when you did. I disliked that decision at the time because of the poor excuses you used and the people you let make/weigh heavily on that decision for you but I'm glad they did. Sometimes we dont open our eyes to the things that we should because we are so clouded with "being in love". Do I doubt that he loved me? Everyday of those last 6 months that we were together but that is the great thing about it all, you should never have a doubt with the man/woman you love and now I know that. You should know without a shadow of a doubt that that person is still falling in love with you everyday and that you feel the same way and THAT is how you know its meant to be. That is the person that you marry. Yeah I've been feeling everything; from hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth and I guess that's just how I know.
When you look back and regret the moments that were made... just turn back around. Every tattoo I have has a meaning. On my back cross, hangs a banner that says No Regrets. I've sure there are decisions that I've made that I could easily say I regret but those decisions that I made have impacted/made me into the person that I am so I've simply changed my mind. They always say that the person with the most power in a relationship is the one that cares the least which is a reason for my last tattoo... There once was a little girl never knew love until a boy broke her heart. I will carry that hurt in my heart for the rest of my life because he too will be apart of me for the rest of my life. The thing is - I will not allow that hurt to harvest itself. I know what I did in my relationship that rocked our already cracked foundation, I know that I carried the hurt/pain/devastation of a previous relationship and I allowed it to cast a black cape over just about every emotion that I felt when I was in that relationship. Females are normally the ones of caring too much, its that motherly instinct and they are normally the ones shattered and devastated in the end because all they did was try to protect what was theirs. Some people just either don't need that protection or want to offer you protection as well, its all about accepting it. So do I regret being taught what it means to love someone fully and whole-heartedly and then being trashed? No, Not any more I don't! Its made me realize that each day is a new beginning even when you're with the same person. Its made me realize not to take for granted those little moments like a simple good morning or good bye kiss because it could be the last one you two share. Most of all, I've learned that it doesn't matter whether or not you give all of yourself to someone because either way they are going to leave whenever they are ready. Its the circle of life.
I've always been the one giving and I have to say its mighty nice when you give up absolutely nothing and someone wants to give to you for a change. I started dating here and there. I've had some crazy, noteworthy experiences; my share of crazy folks, too much of a goodie-goodie, too bad boyish, but I think I met someone I could actually be in a relationship with. A song played last night and as my eyes met his I just knew something felt right but when he kissed me, it didn't just feel right but it made me forget everything and everybody around me at that very moment like it was just the two of us left in the world. Am I rushing into something? Nope! Do I want to? Nope because I want this to be right this time and when you meet someone that is willing to accept that then you just kinda know you can't go wrong. So I guess these next six months are going to be full of skype dates/chats... guess its going to be the first of many when it comes to being involved with an Army guy!
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