New Hopes, New Dreams, New Ways

Life is a journey, Not a destination, There are no mistakes, Just chances we've taken

Lay down your regrets cause all we have is now

Early in the morning It’s the dawn of a new day

New hopes new dreams new ways

I open up my eyes and I open up my mind and I wonder how life will surprise me today

Early in the morning It’s the dawn of a new day 

New hopes new dreams new ways

I open up my heart and I’m gonna do my part

and

Make this a positively beautiful day

- India Arie

2012 had gone from the most amazing year to one of the worst. I went from being in a great and loving relationship to getting engaged to trying to be a mommy and then came the last 6 months... the breakup, the loss, the booze, the pills, the DUI and much much more. In the midst of all the negatives that came about, I found myself building better relationships with family and friends new&old! I pushed away many old friends because I didnt want to be reminded of the bad anymore plus some of them were never really friends in the 1st place which showed after the breakup. I developed those even better relationships with the few people that were able to hold my hand thru the wreckage. I still made some bad decisions here and there but overall I stood tall. I worked more, focused less, but was able to keep my feet on the ground. I used all of my negative energy in the gym and it brought about positive results. I started reading more and drinking less. I do not regret anything that happened over the past year, things may have weakened me to my knees but I needed that weakness to find my strength in the midst of all the chaos again. 

"Honey, you're a survivor. No shame in that. Your daddy hurt you something fierce. Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. It gives you a sense of safety, a place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it's a dark place, isn't it? Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies."

-The Shack

2013 is going to be about me. Building a stronger and healthier me. I'm not saying that its going to be easy because just like I started to tell Victoria last night and of course started crying, June will be a very hard month for me. June is our anniversary of every milestone in our relationship... from the time we started dating, when we got engaged, when we were going to get married; everything was June. Maybe June will be the month I go skydiving this year or the month I go to Vegas. Yes I said it... VEGAS! 

My NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS are to stop eating red meat, live a healthier lifestyle, travel more, be more spontaneous, make advancements towards my nursing degree and stop letting certain pit stops slow me down. I am already just about a vegetarian except I just cant seem to give up my salmon and very rarely I still eat chicken so I guess as of now I would be considered a Pescatarian. I want to continue to go to the gym, at least 3x a week, but also dip my toes into CrossFit  When I say I want to build a stronger, healthier me... I am not just talking physically [even though I elaborate on that the most], but emotionally and spiritually as well.

I am already in the midst of planning trips to include Nashville with Victoria and my family in just a couple short weeks *\o/* for my birthday, Charleston to explore the cold ocean with Zach haha, Mardi Gras with my momma & Eric, New York to visit Brogan (since he always has to come here), back to Texas to see my daddy & Ronna, a California Winery, and most of all Vegas! I feel like I need to start making a checklist and leave it on my fridge so that I can visualize this goal for myself. 

I am also looking at transferring back to Appalachian State to finish out my nursing degree. I'm so close and somehow I feel like I've sabotaged this long enough and what better place to go then to the place I love the most. Summer 2013 I'm hoping to become a Mountaineer again! 

I have so much to look forward to this year. I cannot wait to see how the year actually unfolds and I hope that I can continue to keep up with my blog so that not only can others see but I can look back come 2014 and say "Look at how far I've come... and I thought I was broken!" I'm excited and I hope that you guys enjoy taking this journey with me!

and so I leave you with this - 

Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I have caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes.  That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.

- Papa, The Shack

I plan to find Grace!