Its History

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

-J.D. Salinger

When I began this blog it was a way to a means of getting out the negative emotions and ideas that I had. It was also meant to share the good that came about in my life. Most of all it was meant to be a place that I could come back to and see for myself the things that I've been through and how I've dealt with them whether it be physically or emotionally or spiritually and positively or negatively. 

I am going to add in a disclaimer on this one from the beginning. Some parts of this blog entry are going to be graphic, parts with foul language, parts that will make you sit back and think, and even parts that might just make some people down right angry. I said I was airing out the good, the bad, and the ugly; well this here will be truth. Use it as a learning tool because while it may be part of my past, you may encounter similar situations in near or distant future. 

I have dealt with the situations in my life as best I could. I took little advice from friends and even littler advice from family over the years. Over the past couple of months that has changed drastically. I take into account other thoughts on situations and now I find myself more open to talking to people and accepting their critism for things that are either my fault or I was dumb to put up with for so long. This entry is going to be a little bit of letting go, a bit of asking for forgiveness, and just insight that I hope I can look back on and remember later.

Soooo....

Last night I planned a last minute girls night. A night of staying in and being with some of my favorite ladies. People who know me know that that does not happen often. I push away girls because I feel like they are deceitful and manipulative. I know... I am guilty sometimes myself sometimes! The few girls that I am actually FRIENDS with not just an acquaintance of are some really great woman and I would do anything for them because I know that they would have my back the same way. Some I've known for years and years and others I have just met or reacquainted with. Out of the 7 ladies that were invited - one had a game to see, 2 had work obligations, one ended up too sick, one just stopped texting me back and fell asleep, one promised me another weekend (she does live 2.5 hours away), and the other one was the only one to show up... Annie. Now some back history on Annie and I, we met in Boone through all of the mutual group of friends we hung out with regularly. She and I had a falling out about a year before Ryan and I started dating and didn't talk to each other again until maybe a year or so into us dating. We had a mutual respect for each other and left it at that. Recently, we ran into each other again at the place where her boyfriend bartends, Elixir. We talked things out that night and rekindled that friendship. One plus about that was we found out we lived in the same apartment complex! SCORE! ;)

Last night we caught up on things and eventually got into the more serious side of conversation which was The Breakup. I'm at the point that I can talk about it almost completely without crying or feeling bad about it later and it even seems that each person that gets in-depth about it with me helps me to realize a lot of things that could/should have been different. I think the biggest thing I took from our discussion was having a relationship built on a SOLID foundation. Now my parents have always told me that I need to date/marry a Christian man and Ryan told me that the only reason he was saved was because he wanted to impress a girl so he did it. However, to me, that is not accepting Christ as your personal savior when you dont truly mean that from your heart. Not being a Christian was not something that I looked down on him for though. All of my parents are Christians and I have seen them married 3 & 4 times, so being a Christian does not determine the length of a marriage. Ryan's parents have been married all his life and still live a very happy life together; his mother is a church-goer, his father not so much. I believed that having that mutual respect for each other was a beautiful solid foundation and I figured that one day Ryan and I would have that same loving relationship that his parents have. Well Annie mentioned something that really opened my eyes, she said that with her and Adam they have a foundation built on Christ so she know that when it comes to promiscuity that she KNOWS that Adam believes that it is wrong so she doesnt have to worry about something like that in her relationship. Now for most people who know me well, you know that fear of being with a cheater/jealousy is often been a big down fall in my relationships. 

See Ryan took one thing from a sociology class that he had in college and said it to me often... his professor explained to the class that men are programmed to be with multiple women, made to sow their seed. So in order to do this without cheating after you get married then your wife should put on wigs... blonde, red, brunnette; whatever suits his fancy for that night. I've always said that I found that extremely inappropriate. Annie, once again, said it perfectly when she said its one thing to be like "Hi, I'm Annie the Sexy Flight Attendant but to just have sex with a flight attendant because that is who you are fantasizing about it wayyyy different".

Now this is different from the original post since I lost the bottom couple of paragraphs and without them then the others didnt make much sense to I chose to delete everything from this point forward. 

Bottom line is I never realized how important it was to build a relationship on a solid foundation. The reason my family has always preached having a Christ-centered foundation finally hit me home when Annie explained it in a different perspective. Guys... all ladies ask for in relationships is for a little bit of respect. Love them for who they are, not what you want them to look like in comparison to their girlfriends. You want to fantasize about your lady's girlfriends then simply end the relationship because that is the most humiliating thing in the world... to be sitting in a room from the someone who is your friend but your guy is at home fantasizing about behind close doors. That is just what I was every time I was with that crowd of friends... HUMILIATED! Yet, I am the one being called a bitch behind my back for calling people out on their BS. I'll take that name gladly knowing that I do not have to be humiliated anymore.