Headed towards the Finish Line

"Going through that traumatic time of being heartbroken and then being pregnant turned my whole life upside down and inside out and just knocked the wind out of me. But I got so much out of that."

-Bridget Moynahan

When I say that being pregnant turned my life around... it is an absolute understatement. Here it was, another failed try at a relationship, another quit my job as a bartender, stopped drinking so much, made up my mind that I was moving, and was just 2 months shy of making that intended move. 

I remember that day like it was yesterday, the day I found out I was pregnant. At the time, I spent majority of my time on the road as my job required lots of traveling. Which, of course, meant I had a lot of time to think. I was driving back from Mt. Airy when, out of nowhere, my emotions got the best of me. I remember bawling my eyes out and praying to God to give me some kind of answers. I did not understand why I was such an emotional wreck, hell, was I becoming bi-polar? I told myself by the time I hit the Winston line that I was going to the hospital. I could not understand where this "depression" was coming from. After working in the hospital for so long, I knew the typical questions that were coming up... "Do you feel safe at home?", "Is anyone hurting you?", "Are you or is there a chance that you could be pregnant?". So I stopped by the store before I got to the house and bought 2 test. I went straight to the bathroom when I got home and took test #1... IMMEDIATELY it was POSITIVE. There had to be a mistake. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant. The test wasn't supposed to result that quickly. Test #2... same results. I was scared to get off the toilet, but when I finally managed to get the feeling back in my legs I went straight to my roommate in tears because I had no idea what to do. I had no idea what to say. When I held the test out in my hands, the words could not come out of my mouth, I was still in shock. 

I remember feeling so many emotions at once. I was disappointed, I was excited, I was SCARED! Oddly enough, my first (AND ONLY) phone call was to my older sister. I knew if there was ANYONE that understood what was going on or what I was feeling, it would be her. She did manage to settle my fears and help get myself back in check.  

I had to wait a couple weeks before I was able to get into the doctor's office... 16 days seemed like a year as I was wondering just how far along I was. Because I did not have that answer, I was terrified to tell my parents about my pregnancy. I knew their very first questions would be the time frame along with who the father was. I am not going to lie, I wasn't sure at 1st but I knew it was between the 2 people that I had been involved with off and on. When I went to the first doctor's appointment, they gave me my options and confirmed I was pregnant. 

"Well thanks doc you're about 2 weeks late and I have already considered my options, but how far along am I??

"Oh, well, we will have to do an ultrasound in order to determine that. We'll schedule an ultrasound appointment for a later date."  

I about lost my mind!! However, I was able to talk the receptionist into scheduling my appointment ASAP, which went from a month away to 2 days later. The upside to knowing people!! So 2 days later I found out I was 12 1/2 weeks pregnant. There it was... I had all my answers even if I did not want to come to terms with them. 

Again, I called my sister and tried to figure out how to break the news to my parents. I wanted to tell them in person but they are all so far away so I decided that, once again, I'd wait. I originally was scheduled to visit for Jaxon's birthday party but that got cancelled at the last minute so I was left back at square one. My mom was happy but wondered why I had not told her sooner and dad, well, I heard he was not too excited to find out thru a text message (but he was in school and not even home so I had no idea how to guarantee he got the message). There it was... the news was out!!!

About a month later, I was scheduled for another ultrasound and this time I was to find out the sex of the baby. My mother and Ava came into town for the appointment which made a world of difference. Talk about a time needing your mother... that's it. Again, I was scared and excited to find out whether I'd be welcoming a little girl or a little boy into the world. The appointment happened so fast and there on the screen in front of me was my very active LITTLE GIRL! As bad as I wanted the results to be a boy, I quickly adjusted to the idea of a little girl coming into my life in the next 5 months. From there, Little Miss Emma Marie was established. This is also when my sister went from being my go-to person to Negative Nancy. She was constantly telling me how bad life was about to be and even went as far as telling me I could not name my daughter Emma and if I did then she was going to have another daughter and there would be 2 Emma's in the family. 

So the next 4 months just seemed to be a blur. I had the final fallout with my sister after her "You're such a bitch, no one would tell you that you should of had an abortion" comment, Zack and I had our fallouts, and I started to realize who my real friends were. Trust me, being pregnant shows you who is really there for you and those who only want you around when they are looking to go out for a good time. I also went from being constantly confused over my feelings for the one person I've always been in love with to knowing exactly where they need to stand at this time in my life. I learned that it was important to get all your ducks in a row because you are not the only one to think about anymore. Being pregnant changed my ideas on life and changed me as a person. I've watched this little girl grow inside me... kicking and twirling... I've seen her move from side to side from the outside. It is one thing to know that I'm developing this little gem inside but it is a whole other thing to see her press her head, butt, or foot against my insides. Being pregnant has not been easy. I've been scared multiple times but I truly could not have come this far without my amazing family and friends that I have on my support team. 

So here we are...

Today, we have hit 37 weeks. Only 3 weeks left to go... 21 days... less than a month! I have fallen in love with this little girl and I have not even met her yet. The anticipation is killing me and I cannot wait to be holding her in my arms. I cannot wait to see the smile on her face, to dry her tears, to give her the love and support only a mother can give. I want to give this little girl the world! The idea of giving birth terrifies me... the idea that I may not have all the answers, I may suck at being a mom, that I may do something wrong... it all scares me to death. However, there is some level of comfort in knowing that my family is behind me 100% (minus my sister), Emma's father is planning on being involved and his family is excited about their future grandbaby, and our friends support us both in every way possible. I could not have done this without Jen holding me as I stood in front of her showing her my results, Carolyn holding my hand at that very 1st appt, Boone throwing me an amazing baby shower, Stanley always looking out for my best interests & being my body guard, and - MOSTLY - my brother for cheering me up when I cried, constantly reminding me that he's always got my back, and just simply letting me know how much he loves me.     

So here is to 3 more weeks of sleepless nights, off-kilter sleeping patterns, feeling sick, the indigestion, the constant need to pee, and the uncomfortable sensations that happen on a constant & regular basis. 

Intentions

Our intentions are always pure. We always want to do what’s right but we also have the drive to push boundaries so we’re in danger of taking things too far. We’re told to do no harm while we’re trained to cut you open with a knife. So we do things when we should have let will enough alone because it’s hard to admit when there’s no problem to treat. To let it alone before we make it so much worse. Before we cause such terrible damage.

We constantly tell ourselves that we do everything with the best of intentions. Sometimes, we fail to realize that we do not always know what is best. Some of us are selfish and do what is best us, while others are selfless and still end up with the same end result. I've been struggling over the past few months, after learning of my pregnancy, on figuring out what is best for me and the baby. While I know the reasoning in my heart for everything I want to happen, I have been called selfish for trying to do what is best. Decisions aren't as easy to make when there is more than one life involved and now there are 3 or more to consider.



The hardest part of this pregnancy has been reading a text my very own sister sent me telling me that I'm such a bitch to everyone that no one would tell me that I should of had an abortion. Why, you ask? Well because she hates the way things have turned out in her life and instead of making things better, she chooses to be bitter. It's hard to imagine that someone's hatred could affect me the way that it did. So here I am trying to figure out how to bridge a gap between someone who wished death on my unborn child or wonder if it's even worth it. I cried ALL DAY the day I got that text message and it still pops up in my head on a regular basis. How do you get something like that out of your mind?



Then, there is figuring out life after the baby is born. I think we both have the best of intentions when it comes to what we want when Emma gets here but wondering if that's how things are supposed to be is a lingering thought. I have to say pre-baby hasn't been easy and pre - prebaby has been even harder. I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not making the right decisions, I'm scared that I'm going to be unhappy, I'm scared that I'm scared. I dont admit to that often so it's staring me right in the face as I've entered my final 30 days (quite possibly less) before Emma's arrival.



I think the greatest decision that I made though was moving out of my current living arrangements due to the fact that the drug-addict roommate would not leave or pay his bills on time which left the constant threat of the other 2 of us being evicted. Selfish at its finest! However, the worst part about it was leaving one of my friends. It's just not the same without seeing her everyday and that little butthead, Carl. :)

Dear John

Dear John,

I sit and stare at the walls, I look thru the pictures, I go thru the motions every day, and some how I feel that I am just not there. I feel like I have built this life around me rather than for me. I lost myself the day I lost you. It was for the better but now I look in the mirror and wonder did I just start back at square one? Why do I feel lost again? Things are changing and I have no idea how to make them stop. I've lost you and I cannot find my way back to you when that is all I seem to crave. 

I'm living a life that should of been revolved around you. I admit I'm a failure. I was living a lie - You expected and wanted so many things from me and eventually I convinced myself I wanted them too... some how more than you. What if I would of said no when I first met you? What if I would of stuck with my first instinct? From day one I knew I would be the one giving in everytime but again, some how I convinced myself that is what I wanted... to lose myself in you. Now, what do I have to show for it? I beat myself up day and night because its finally stuck me right in the gut with the fact that I FAILED. 

The appetite I once had for life is gone. 

But can I tell you a secret?

Failure was never an option.

You see I cried. I was ready to give up. I was begging to rid you from my life, to give me someone who would truly love me unconditionally, to take away the pain that I've felt, and what I was given was much more than I could ever imagine. However, this is where I have hit my rut. 

You see, I see the pain your eyes for it matches the pain in mine. The only difference is I have felt mine far longer than you. I didn't give up on you... I've simply waited. Sometimes I wonder if I waited too long or maybe just not enough. I pull and you push but when you pull, I push for I am scared of you. I am scared of what you do to me. I am scared of the way you make me feel. Most of all, I'm scared that we are both so scared because we know we can make it work but are too stubborn to do so. 

Do you see what you do to me?

Am I delusional? 

More than likely but I deal with it. I put one foot in front of the other and I keep on going. I make things work day in and day out but more than likely that is why I'm just living in a shell. Some how I need to find my way back for the sake of myself and those around me. I gave too much when you gave too little. Yet, I am stuck feeling that I still didnt give enough. Some things will never change while the things that needed to did. Sometimes that still just isnt enough!

Life Goes On Even When We Fail To!

When you’re little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. When you get older, the monsters are different… self doubt, loneliness, regret… and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark.

When I was in high school, my senior project consisted of an autobiography. My Life written by Me. I found that autobiography the other day and it literally brought me to tears. I had to leave town, I had to be around people that reminded me I was loved, quite frankly, I just had to get away. Parts of my past that I've locked in the back of my mind were unlocked and unleashed a fury of emotions. To think that was almost 10 years ago that I wrote about some of the difficult times that I faced in my life but I also wrote about my future. As a senior in high school, I was optimistic of my future... I was already going to be a Doctor, be married, and had children as I spent this lavish life traveling the world. When in reality, almost 10 years down the road, I'm about to be a single mother and working as a contractor for an investigations company. I've been in nursing, followed by bartending, and now this. Who knew that I would not have followed that path I set for myself. 

Some days I dont know whether to feel happy or ashamed. I'm happy that I'm healthy, happy that I am in the process of creating an amazing little human being, I am happy that I don't struggle everyday, and I am happy that I have the amazing people in my life that I do. However, I often feel ashamed that I have not settled down, that I lost the love of my life, that I will never love another man the way that I love him, but mostly that I am about to have a child with a man that I am not married to. Its hard to be happy when so many things or ideals are pushed on you or you have set for yourself. 

So it leaves me confused over my situation. Now, do not get me wrong, I am EXCITED about becoming a mother. I cannot imagine what my life is going to be like for the next 18 years but I know I am ready for the journey. I went from being told I would spend the rest of my life on birth control and even without would never have children to getting the news of this little miracle. I accepted the fact after I was delivered that news and was even reaffirmed when I had my miscarriage. So for this to be happening is absolutely mind blowing and I could not be happier. However, the circumstances leading to this little miracle are where I am not so thrilled. I am not in a relationship with the father nor do we speak on a regular basis. Its really hard to want him involved knowing that we will never be more than what we are. I spent my life going between parents on a weekly basis and told myself I would never allow my children to go thru that ordeal.

When they say that the only monsters that are real are the ones that are inside of us... they are absolutely accurate. Turns out mine are some BEASTS! I find myself constantly fighting a battle with these monsters. They like to throw in my face the thoughts of my childhood, the past mistakes I've made, the old relationships, the new relationships, and even my own self-doubt. 

I get to the point that I constantly wonder... can I just start over? Can I just go back to the beginning and make a new life? The answer is no... not without removing everything and everyone that got me to where I am today - with every heartache came a new understanding, with every struggle came a new triumph, with every setback came my comeback. Could I honestly say I'd be better off never going thru anything that I've been thru. No. I can start over though in a different way. I can set new plans and goals for myself. Make a new 10 year plan... Lord knows, I have nothing but time with a new one coming into this world. I know when I hold my baby for the first time, I will spend the rest of my life falling in love with him or her everyday. I know I will spend the rest of my life giving my child a life better than my own. I will do whatever it takes to be the best mother I can be.

Mapping the Human Brain

Researchers are currently working to make a map of the human brain. It may be the most complex map ever created. Billions of neurons making trillions of connections. At first glance they seem completely random but there’s nothing random about them. All these connections have to happen. A specific pattern, it is designed for a function. These connections determine everything about us. What we love, what we hate, what we say, what we do.

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We are just starting to learn the extent of the brains connections. How far they reach, how deep they go. But we know that every connection matters, every connection is crucial. And when one is broken, it usually means some damage has been done. This system of connection compels us to act and choose and behave. Sometimes seemingly against our own will. But it is not random at all. It is the map of who we are. We will work to understand ourselves. Solve the puzzle. How all the connections work and all the pieces fit.

Today's blog entry is brought to you by the numerous messages today that I received from old friends, new friends, and even the person trying to "get to know" me. People often ask, what seems to be, the burning question - "Why are you single/not married?" 

First off, I'm not married because I plan to marry once and I want to make sure that I marry the right person. Marriage is not something taken lightly, which these days marriage just seems to be a joke. Someone is cheating on the other, people get married because they have a child together knowing that is the only reason they are together, and people these days get married out of convenience. Marriage doesn't last for these same reasons. Too many people are divorced in a year or less because people stopped trying to make it work and run whenever the going gets tough. I listened to a woman I trained this week talk about her marriage that didnt last. She was in a relationship for 10 years with this guy and they shared a child together but no matter how good she was to him, he seemed to have a wandering eye. Now, I'll say, this girl is beautiful! Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, and thin... why a man wouldn't want her, I couldnt fathom. Better yet, why a man would cheat on her... not once... but multiple times. Then again, that goes back to my last post about being easy. The girl from her work would send dirty messages, pics, etc. No wonder it was so easy to step out on a beautiful girl. So, why am I not married? Because I want to meet the man that knows, above all else, I am the woman that he loves and deserves and would never want to walk away from.  Yeah, I still believe in that cheesy belief! hahah

So then why don't I date? Why am I still single? Well, I wasn't always single. You see, I met a man once and I fell in love. I just knew I was destined to marry him. The day I met him, I just knew. We started off as friends, fell in love, and eventually set a date to be married. Then, we realized it just wasn't meant to be. I would of ended up in a marriage that would of ended in one of the ways I described above because ultimately it came down to he wasn't ready... and later I learned to my dismay, neither was I!! In the year that passed following that breakup, I learned a lot about myself. One being that I was not ready to be a wife but two, I was not the woman that I should be. It took me realizing that I had a lot of growing up to do. 

So, in the two years that its taken to find me, I have become a different person. Was that person date worthy then? No, I was still heartbroken and could not have a healthy intimate relationship with anyone! Sure, it was easy to have a one night stand and get what I wanted but truth was I did not know what it was that I wanted. Therefore, all relationships would end the same.... OVER. Well you see, I am not completely hopeless. I have tried dating. I've been introduced to some "nice guys" thru friends. I have met some interesting men. Then again, I've also met some pretty perverted and idiotic men. I dated someone off and on for about 6 months and then I realized it just wasn't meant to work. So I have spent the past 2 months concentrating on continuing to be the best version of me that I can be. I will not chase anyone... I dont need to. I have stayed to myself and close loved ones. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with those that I love. I gave up those one night stands a long time ago. If I've been with you then I've been interested in you and I can literally say that has been 2 people. One of whom was the fella I dated. I have developed connections with people, I'm not completely inhumane. There are times that I fall to easily for someone and there are times that I do not second guess my decision to walk away. For the man that catches my attention, he's the man that catches my mind. He's the man that I can talk to for hours, he's the man that can capture my heart before touching my body, and he's the man that can touch my body the same way he touches my soul. That is the kinda man that I want to fall in love with in new ways everyday and that is the man I want to marry.

Am I crazy? Quite possibly but I am for certain that I will be happy. :)

Fly Away

Sometimes you just need to get out of town, get a new perspective. But you can’t always see that you need a new perspective because well, you need a new perspective to be able to see that. It’s complicated.

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Open your eyes. What do you see? More possibilities? Does your new view give you more hope? That’s the goal. Although, it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes a shift in perspective just makes you see what you’ve lost.

I feel like most of us try to make things better - in our mind, in our lives, in society, in the lives of those we love - yet, sometimes we are not able to make a difference where it matters most. Thinking that maybe if we have a new perspective on life, on love, or on friendships something will change but in the end we cannot change everything on our own. A couple months ago I wrote about the toxicity of things in my life that needed to change and it turned out while pushing away those toxins, I allowed more in. I find myself at crossroads that I did not expect to find myself in last year. Who am I kidding though? I did not expect to be at this point 2 years ago or even 3 years ago. It just goes to show how quickly things change. 

I've had to get away on trips to see my family or get away on my own just to keep my sanity. I've threatened to leave NC, to join the Navy, to disappear completely, to be quite honest just get as far away from what my life had become. Things change day in and day out. My mind stays jumbled especially when I lose some of the things and people I care about most because of my honesty and my what-ifs.

Last month my relationship came to a drastic halt. Then again, what should I have expected when his mind changed quicker than his underwear. It wears a girl down after while... as I understand it must be the same for men dealing with a woman like that. So you go from being best friends and saying "I love you" to no communication what so ever. Makes you wonder what was really there. 

Then it dawned on me... What is it that makes this happen? Why is it that people stop fighting for relationships these days? Why doesnt "I love you" mean what it used to? Why do people use each other for a moment and throw you away like you never existed?

Well here is my short answer (It could have been way longer!):

VERY few relationships these days are built on a solid foundation. I was raised to believe that having the same spiritual/religious beliefs were the main focus, however, after the end of my engagement I learned that that may not in fact be true. Building a foundation on solid beliefs that are shared equally among 2 people are really where a solid foundation starts - doesn't matter what those beliefs are in my opinion. When you have no solid foundation in a relationship, you find what really draws you together. Is it the fact that you both cant stay out of the bar for more than 24 hours? In that case, you always have a drinking buddy. Is it strictly sexual? At the end of the day, when you have not picked up another suitor, you know this booty call will be there waiting. Is it possible that maybe you found someone just as lazy as you? So you know you'll always have company. So back to the original question... why do people stop fighting to make it work? Because they simply do not have to! There will always be someone to replace that empty spot - drinking buddy, booty call, easy companion. People these days are so hung up on finding love and are settling for the idea rather than finding that person that they are really meant to be with for the rest of their lives. This only causes pain, grudges, and walls to be built - tearing down the person from the inside out.  People stopped valuing their self-worth and started just simply being EASY. 

Cant say that I've not been guilty of this myself. I went from an insecure, jealous, scared person to realizing my own self worth and pretty much just indifferent to the idea of love. After "The Divorce", yes I still call it that, part of me was destroyed... died you could say. I had no intentions of ever settling down again or wanting to have a family. I was aiming for "Spinster" Status! hahaha  However, again, a year later my mind changed again. Not saying my mind is completely set but I know what I want in a person and I know that there are some pretty big shoes to fill for that person to meet my expectations, so why hold my breath? I have become completely numb to the idea of finding someone worth my time, someone who can handle me, or someone that I could raise a family with one day. I've met that aggressive asshole, I've met the passive aggressive jerk, the official "booty call", and I've met that seemingly perfect guy who sleeps with you and then talks to you enough to keep you around for the possible next time. 

So there comes a point in your life where your perspective HAS to change. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same result. This is advice for everyone... stop making your self easy. Start working on being the best person you can be and you attract the best kind of person that is meant for you. 

How about those perspectives on friendships? I think it follows along the same line of intimate relationships. I chose to be around people who brought out where I was in my life after my break up. I still find myself surrounded by some of those people and find that the more I better myself the more toxic they are becoming to me. As you develop a new perspective on who you want to be, you learn to surround yourself with people who encourage what is best for you. 

Some friendships are meant to be around for a season while others will last a lifetime. I could count on one hand the people who have stuck by me thru thick and thin while others have/did get bored with me as I stopped dating their friend, started drinking less, stopped going out so much, and changed jobs. I became useless in a sense. For once, I was okay with that. Useless is good when it comes to bad habits. 

While some render us useless, they were once important to us. They were once useful. Sometimes these people come into your life to shake you up a bit. Maybe their sole purpose is to show you the person you dont want to become. Sometimes those seasonal friends are the ones you need to open your eyes to everything around you and clearly pointing out to you all your negative attributes so when you finally learn to grow up then you can see just how far you have come. Then you can watch as they cling on to the next "old you". 

Harsh but very true reality.

Finally, there is your family. The people you expect to always have your back. Some just use you, others actually make sure you're alright, and some pretty much just dont care unless there is absolutely something wrong. We get older, we lose touch, and we become insignificant as we move on with our lives. Some families stay close, some barely speak, and then there are those that are completely non existent. I'm not going to get too far into the family part just because I dont think there is enough time to actually get out everything I want or could say. 

I guess to sum it all up... my perspective is changing on a regular basis. I cannot tell who is coming or who is going anymore. Some of the people that I thought would always have my back are gone, while some I figured would of been long gone are the only ones I depend on these days. I stopped trying to keep up and I am concentrating on being the best person I can be. 

A Look Back of 2013 - Thanks Google+

What an AMAZING YEAR!

I made some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for!

I developed relationships that will last a lifetime.

It may have been a year of ups and downs but I could not imagine not having a single one of these folks by my side day in and day out! 

Thank you for making a difference in my life over the past 365 days!