When All Good Things Come to an End!

♫♪ There was a time when men were kind

When their voices were soft

And their words inviting

There was a time when love was blind

And the world was a song

And the song was exciting

There was a time

Then it all went wrong ♪♫

I guess its just hard falling out of love with someone. This was supposed to be the last person I ever dated, the last person I kissed, the last person I would ever be intimate with but now I'm having to start all over. I still feel broken no matter how much time that goes by. I've picked myself back up and have been moving forward. I've learned to not let the little things affect me like they used to but the inadequacy I feel just never goes away. If this so called "nice guy" couldnt love me then how is anyone supposed to? I am not a bad person, I give too much in relationships, and yet I still fear every person that walks into my life. I've said it once and I'll say it again - I am fragile, I am broken, I'm a mess; I try to keep it together on a regular basis because behind this smile I am falling apart at the seams. I miss him everyday, I miss what we had, I miss his family, I just miss us. 

but....

Its been a long time coming... I have decided to sell my wedding dress. I have kept my dress in the back of my closet because it has been the dress I've wanted my entire life. That dress was every ideal image I had for the perfect wedding that I would have with the man that I loved. However, its just that... it, the dress, was not just a dress but it is a symbol of my love for a man that didnt have the same feelings for me anymore. That dress symbolized my love, my dedication, my heart and my soul going into becoming one soul and sharing a lifetime with one person. I guess I didnt really want to realize that until I was reminded of it again last night. I've made up every excuse for holding on to an object that ties me to someone that didnt love me. 

Well this is my liberation. 

"Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In the face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together."

I'm Not the Same Girl Anymore...

PAIN CHANGED ME!

I've grown up a very independent person. I grew up with the mentality that if you want something done right then you have to do it yourself. There is no relying on another person or group of people to be there for you. That knowledge led me to believe that at a young age I was ready to venture out into the world. I was ready to be a grown up and I relied on no one to make that happen for me. When I struggled, I often struggled alone because in the end I knew I was the only person I could count on. My family could be there for me but they were only aware of once or twice that I ever struggled after I moved away. Struggling became a way of life for me and dealing with it all alone as well. 

In the past couple of years, being a part of a close knit family (the were-gonna-be in-laws), I learned that family should be there for you thru the good and the bad. There is no use hiding behind a smile and trying to fake something with them because MOST of the time, they will be able to see right thru it. Recently I've allowed my family to become closer to me. I've kept myself guarded all these years because, once again at a young age, I learned it was the best way to keep myself from being disappointed. While I still hold my heart captive and it'll be a LONG TIME before anyone will even get close, I have allowed my family to enter a closer circle within me that they have not been able to reach in my 24 years of life. Now a days, I enjoy calling them just to chat and find out about how things are going where before I wouldnt talk to them for weeks --> months at a time. 

I say all that to lead up to the fact that I have spent soooooo much more time with them over the past 6 months than I have in over 3 years. Ma Sophia, Richard, Sam, and Anneliese were there for me when Ryan and I ended our engagement, driving 6 hours to cheer me up and try to help Ryan and I work things out. All my parents were there when I got the worst news of my life after that. When I was ready to give up on life, my little sister was knocking on my door just to come help me unpack a couple boxes and have dinner with me and give me just a little bit more of encouragement. When I just needed someone to cry with on the phone or someone to say I know it hurts but I love you and if its meant to be then it'll happen or someone else will come into your life and show you why it didnt work out... there was my momma & Eric, dad & Ronna and/or older sister! I love being able to find a stronger connection with each and every one of them. Now every time I am with any one of them, I hate to leave or see them go. I crave being with them just a little bit longer. I love wanting to talk/text them just to say hello. I love building up the relationship we should of had so many years ago. 

I have been extremely blessed over the past few months to have the time that I have had with them. Spending this past week with my mom, Eric, and Ava has made such a big difference in my attitude. I can feel my happiness exude thru me attitude towards other people and thru my work. I am happier with them being a part of my life and want that happiness to spread to the people around me. 

You do not understand making it thru these past 6 months is a milestone for me. I almost did not make it thru them in the early months... I was ready to give up, I mean really ready to give up and didnt care how I went out of this world. I lost all hope, all strength, all faith and all of me. I was taking pain pills to keep me from physically and emotionally hurting and was asleep days at a time and drank all the times I was awake until I slept some more. I became very destructive but in the midst of my struggles, I knew I only had a few people still there for me and that was my family and less than a handful of close friends or friends that became closer. It was truly amazing the people who I thought I was close to who disappeared after all the disaster but it made me realize even more how I needed to keep my friends close and my enemies closer. I will never make that mistake again. 

I am looking forward to the new year and planning new New Year's Resolutions. I am going to be thinking more outside the box. While I still want to maintain my healthy lifestyle, I want to also explore a more exciting life style. I want to start planning some actual vacation times for the year like Mardi Gras in February, maybe a Vegas weekend, looking at skydiving, maybe a weekend at a California winery, and definitely more visits to see the family. I guess the first step is getting the ball rolling in my brain and making plans for myself. We'll see how that list turns out in the next 7 days! 

Family

It’s an urban myth, that suicide rates spike at the holidays. Turns out they actually go down. Experts think it’s because people are less inclined to off themselves when surrounded by family. Ironically that same family togetherness is thought to be the reason depression rates actually do spike at the holidays. 

…

There’s an old proverb that says you can’t choose your family. You take what the fates hand you and like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you cope. Then there’s the school of thought that the family your born into is simply a starting point. They feed you and clothe you and take care of you until your ready to go out into the world and find your drive.

Family - it has to be the CRAZIEST 6 letter word! Atleast it is when it comes to the family I was born into... we literally put the function in dysfunction. If you think yours is crazy, then you haven't met mine yet! My childhood wasnt the best... tossed between parents every other weekend, the arguments between parents, step siblings/half siblings, I hate you's and so much more but I will say that thru all of those hardships we all certainly came out on top. While you get to spend your holidays with your mom and dad and maybe a brother/sister or two, I get 3 families and lots of siblings and lots of family time and that much MORE LOVE. However, my family doesnt stop there, being alone and spending the holidays alone for so long has allowed me to accept others into my family. I have made friends that have turned into my family and I wouldnt accept them as anything less!

I had the frustrating joy of spending this weekend with my family. We celebrated not only the festive holiday but we were all brought together to celebrate the end of a 4 yr engagement between Shelby and the University of NC - Chapel Hill! Yes, my sister graduated and it was an incredibly proud & bitter sweet moment to see my sister in her cap & gown for the 2nd time! She is such an amazing person with so much drive its almost sickening! ;) Congratulations again Shelby, you continue to make your family (and soon-to-be family) so proud of you! Welcome to the Real World!!!

My weekend started with meeting my sister, Tiffany, on the SC/NC border to pick up my niece and nephew. My sister had to drive for a couple more hours so we made the plan to get the kids out of the car while she made that trek with my brother. The kids and I met up with Tori at the mall and we had dinner before walking around a bit (well Tori and I walked as the kids ran circles around us! haha oh to have that much energy again!) The kids and I made it back home and watched lots of Despicable Me and Megamind ... ITS SO FLUFFFFFFY! The kids both fell asleep in my arms which made Aunt Stephie (thanks to Ryan this is what the kids call me now! haha) melt! Tiffany and Richard made it in late that night with Big Jon.

Saturday we decided to venture to the mall. We spent the whole time in Build-a-Bear it seemed. Inside the mall was a short lived event. It wasnt until we went into the parking lot that the fun really started! Holiday traffic is one thing but Holiday traffic in the mall is a whole other ball park. We pulled out of our parking spot and sat in one row of traffic for a good 30 mins before we realized it wasnt going to move and finally the car behind us had the bright idea to back up to the end of the lane and use the inner lane of the mall circle to get out, so we followed suit. Well of course as we do it, we end up in traffic (where there was none shortly before that) on the inner circle. This is however where it started getting real entertaining. Every mall goer in and out of the mall was having to pass by our vehicle... Richard decided we would start "Spreading Christmas Cheer Loud for All to Hear". Every passerby was greeted with a Merry Christmas, Shalom, You're Beautiful, Have a Good Day, Here Pull Out in Front of Me, and many many more! After about another 30 mins of this we FINALLY get to a stop sign but wait NOW we have to make a left and end up in passing lane after lane full of cars trying to get to the outside lanes to get out of the mall area. So Richard decided to drive all the way to the last one that has to curve around another 2x before we get out i.e. the LONGEST LINE!

For anyone with children, sitting in a vehicle for over an hr and a half... in traffic... 5 month old, 2 year old, 7 year old... and a post prego mother.... that could not end well! So we decide hey, lets get some Christmas tunes on! Now if anyone knows my brother, they also know that he is very charismatic and holds back NOTHING! haha I will never forget going to Eastover Elementary School one year to listen to his Christmas Performance when he sang and at this time Richard had not peaked maturity, no voice change, no little prickly facial hairs... just his little puny baby voice when he started singing though he turned into a man. My brother at his elementary age belted out that song with some bass! haha So of course while we are in the car stuck in traffic the song that comes on the radio was White Christmas and what does he do?? BELTS IT! In his loudest, bass voice, and all sings word for word! Folks about 2 rows over preceded to clap once he finished and it had to be the funniest thing that entire ride. Prior to this, Richard had jumped out to grab something out of the trunk and I stole the driver's seat (I was trying to get out of the mall at some point before dusk!). We finally made it up to the stop sign before we hit the outer loop. People were so timid and scared to inch their way out and it made trying to get out that much harder... FINALLY we were able to catch a break and a car wanted to turn right to get into where we were coming out. I took that opportunity to get into the outer loop however I needed to get over to the next lane and those cars werent budging. Now we were in a big ole Cadillac Escalade... those vehicles are not small by any means. so I am edging my way into the left lane of traffic which means that I am also blocking off the right lane on the outer circle. I think the cars that had been waiting to turn right onto the outer circle were some happy folks... they looked like I just open the doors at an animal testing facility and was letting every one free haha they were flying out of that area as fast as they could before I wouldnt be able to let them out anymore. It had to be the 2nd funniest moment of our time stuck in the parking lot but it made it that much more funnier as my brother, sister and kids were narrating/personifying these cars as they were flying out into the outer loop.

That evening Mom, CD, and Anneliese came in since they too had been traveling all day to get to Shelby's and it was getting late and I was on the way. Now originally plans were for me, Tiffany, Richard, and the kids to have already been at Shelby's Friday since Dad and Ronna flew in that day. Saturday was set aside for the exchange of presents and Sunday was Shelby's graduation followed by Nantucket to celebrate. So we are at Saturday night midnight and none of that had happened yet. Saturday night we decided with Shelby that ok, we are getting up, getting ready and we will exchange presents before heading to her graduation at 2pm. Instead, we were making a walmart run at 2 am and then going to sleep which meant we had a late start the next morning. Tiffany made breakfast and then we all ran around the apt getting ready. One in, One out when it came to the shower, some tushie squeezing, lots of clothes changing, and lots of "don't look this way when you walk out the bathroom". It made for some pretty funny comments to be made that I choose not to share! haha So by this time its 11:30am and we are running out the door in 3 different vehicles to get to Chapel Hill. Ava and I stop for gas before hitting the open road and singing Christmas music all the way there. That girl has my heart!

Some how we made it to Shelby's, I ironed her gown, and we all made it to the ceremony on time where we finally got to see Dad and Ronna! We all got together for dinner along with Shelby's soon to be in-laws and spent some time together before exchanging a few gifts and heading back to Shelby's to exchange the rest of the gifts between us and the kids. At this point, everyone started parting ways.

Now what I really havent shared is all the arguing or frustrating moments of this weekend... and there were ALOT! Who wants to remember those though? Even though my family has their ups and downs, the all out brawls, just the craziness in general... we are all we have and at the end of the day we can hug it out say I love you and get in the car until we see each other the next time. I cannot say how truly frustrating this weekend was but what I can say is I have not been this happy in a while and I couldnt imagine my life with out having each and every one of them in my life. They are my blessing, my lifeline, and my saving grace because at the end of the day I know that they will always be there for me.


I love you guys more than words will ever express and even if we all do not share the same blood, ya'll are nothing short of the best family a girl could ever ask for!

Fairy Tales?

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales. That fantasy of what your life would be like. White dress, Prince Charming that would carry you away to the castle on a hill. You lay in bed at night. You close your eyes and you have complete and utter faith. Santa Clause, Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming…They were so close you could taste them but eventually you grow up one day, you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that that fairy tale entirely because most people have faith that one day, they will open their eyes and it will all come true.

…

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed of. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happy ever after just that it’s happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon people will surprise you. And once and a while people may even take your breath away.

Every girl imagines their perfect wedding! Their father walking them down in the aisle wearing the perfect gown in the perfect dress to their perfect man at the most amazingly perfect place. Do you notice how many times I said perfect? Yeah, I could go on with several more. Ladies, lets be real here, how many of you actually had that wedding of your dreams? Answer is none. We fail to take into consideration that money may not allow you to have all the things you wanted, maybe your problem is time, could by chance your venue was booked for the next 5 years, or maybe Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong! So question is... Is it possible to live out that fairy tale anymore? Ladies have certainly forgotten how to be ladies in our day and age and men have forgotten how to be gentleman! So its hard to find Mr. Perfect.

I came across a quote the other day that simply said "I may not have found Mr. Perfect, but I found Mr. Right for Me!" I think that has been my problem in finding someone who can handle me. I thought I found Mr. Perfect a couple of years ago. I knew the day I fell in love with him that I would one day be his wife. Did you know that Mr. Perfect though is not the same as Mr. Right for Me. Thing of the matter is Mr. Perfect seems to vaguely defined. Your perfect is not my perfect nor is it little Susie's perfect either. We all want the house, the car, the kids, the boat, the same last name as the person we fell in love with but we all know that fairy tales do not exist anymore. Now we split the house, you have the kids this weekend and I the next, I took the car in exchange for you keeping the boat. People no longer work on their relationships/marriages but instead they bolt out the door for the next Perfect. 

Well let me tell you, I have met a lot of "Perfects at the Times" but now I'm looking for what is going to be right for me. I need someone who can accept me for who I am, someone who can love me at my worst, and most off all someone who is wanting to do something with their life. I mean really... if you're miserable with your life then you too will be miserable with our life. That was a hard lesson learned but I'm glad I learned it sooner than later. 

Away from my fairy tale kick...

I am pretty sure that I am officially smitten with my new friend!! You know, Jack from the other post!! I have had the opportunity to spend more time with him and each time we are together I just feel a stronger connection with him. I find myself hoping that every time my phone dings it's a new message from him because I know he'll put a smile on my face! I just love that feeling I get when I am with him. This morning though was the last time I will get to spend time with him til the beginning of the year! :( He gets to travel to see his family this coming week while the week after I will be on vacation with my family and it wont be til New Years that I will be able to see that face that puts this smile on mine! I guess all the more to look forward to right? 

Well my birthday is officially one month away as of today!! I am going to be a quarter century old. I dont know how I feel about that yet but what I do know is that I need to start figuring out what I am going to do for my birthday! I have both weekends before and after off (my birthday HAS to come up on a Monday in 2013) so maybe I'll just find myself celebrating here, there and everywhere! I am so excited to celebrate another year of my life because after these past couple of months... I think I deserve it!! I deserve to celebrate my life, my future, my well-being because Lord knows I almost lost myself a couple months back but NEW AND IMPROVED STEPHANIE is out and ready to take what has always been rightfully mine - my happiness! 

When You Least Expect It!

Some days the whole world seems upside down and then somehow, improbably and when you least expect it, the world rights its self again.

You know that "Ah Ha" moment we all get. The one that kind of explains answers to questions that you had days, months, maybe even years ago! Well I've had those moments a lot over the past couple of days. Its been like some kind of realignment. I am not really sure how to put it all into perspective just yet but I feel more clarity than I have in the last couple of months. 

I've made a plan for advancement with my job and I have the full support of my boss (which is an awesome bonus; she is the only person I have ever worked for that cares more about the employee then looking at us as just a replaceable #). I've made the decision, at this point, to hold off on any more school since I already have all the classes needed for nursing classes minus the actual NUR courses that I have to be in the program to take. I plan on using that time to find my center wholly and completely so that my main focus will remain on nursing school and nursing alone. I've allowed a lot of distractions in my life which is why I am in this boat in the first place but this gal is playing no more. 

After really putting some thought into it... I finally took some advice from a friend, Tiff, and decided that I should go out. An hour. One hour can change everything, forever. An hour can save your life. An hour can change your life. Sometimes an hour is just a gift we give ourselves. For some, an hour can mean almost nothing. For others, an hour means all the difference in the world but in the end, it’s still just an hour. One of many, many more to come. Sixty minutes, thirty six hundred seconds, that’s it and it starts all over again and who knows what the next hour might hold [Thanks Grey's Anatomy <3]. I've now been out for the 2nd time as of last night. 

The 1st guy I met up with, we'll call him Jake, was a little quirky and I could tell from the moment he opened his mouth he just wasnt for me. I thought it was just me sabotaging the night and so I pushed thru it and tried to find some kind of connection but ended up leaving Jake empty handed because the night was over when I told him I was just not that interested! haha Jake was a gentleman even when the gay guy turned straight at the bar was trying to tear me away from him. He watched as I danced with my new gay/straight friend and then when he realized the other guy's intentions and followed me around like a puppy dog. I am not the kind of girl that wants a puppy... I have one! I need a man in my life who wants to be that... A MAN! He walked me to my car that night and attempted the whole goodnight kiss - it reminded me of 7th grade when Josh Rackley tried kissing me inbetween the buses at the end of the school day and I turned my face so he couldn't kiss me on the lips - I pulled a Heisman! My first time out with someone since August and he thought he'd be the one with the privilege... SIKE!

On another note, You know when you meet someone and you have an instant connection - that is what I felt last night. The guy I was with last night was the complete opposite, from the time I stepped out of the car to the time I stepped back in he had me hooked. We'll call him Jack! There is something about Jack's personality that I can't get my hands around, something that draws me in every time I look into his eyes. I'd be lying if I didn't say he was too good to be true... but a gal can wish right? Looking forward to my next night out with him! 

Its nice to have things to look forward to again. I've been so bogged down with work and school and now I am about to have some more time to spend thinking about myself so I am soooooooo looking forward to that aspect. I decided to celebrate that by buying myself a ring like my engagement ring... yes I did! I loved everything about that ring but now it just sits there staring back at me every morning by the bathroom sink because I will not put it back on my finger because of all the pain the boy that put it on my finger caused however I've let it be a constant reminder for some reason of that pain by leaving it on the sink and I'm tired of looking at it. I deserve to be happy, times were hard but I'm built tough!!! Oval Blue Topaz center stone with Lab-Created White Sapphire and Diamond Frame! I cannot wait to pick it up from the store... did I mention it also comes with a matching necklace?

It'll be great to put this beauty on my finger and tuck the old one away with all the other wedding paraphernalia. 

Just Because Everyone is Asking...

Thanks to Dr. G!

Losing Weight by Eating Right!

#1 Count Calories!!

Easiest to count: found on every food label

Produces BEST RESULTS

How many Calories? The Magic 3 Week Rotation!

Weeks 1&2: 600-800 Non-Protein Calories/day
Don’t count the protein calories, they’re free. These smaller portions begin shrinking your stomach by as much as 80%

Week 3: 1000-1200 non-protein cal/day
this is essential to prevent metabolic slow down from the very low cal weeks 1&2

Repeat this 3 wk rotation of 2wks low, 3rd wk high

Critical: Keep Written Record

#2 Wake up and Eat
First meal must be high in protein and low in carbs

1. Within 3 hours of waking up

2. Protein: 30 grams or more

3. Carbs 4-10 grams [net carbs]

4. Burns 40% extra fat over the next 24 hrs

(if the 1st meal you eat is HIGH IN CARBS, LOW IN PROTEIN such as cereal, biscuit, bagel, fruit juice, etc then your body stops burning fat for 12 hours – you lost half your day of dieting)
First Meal: 30 grams or more of protein
Protein Shake: mix with water, never milk
Protein Bar: any combination to give you 30+ grams but watch calories

Lunch: Diet Dinner
Better if contains more than 15 grams of protein
Any brand you like: South Beach Diet Dinner, Lean Cuisine, Healthy Choice, Smart Ones, etc

Supper: Diet Dinner [same as above]

Snack:

Sugar free jello

Fruit, 2 pieces a day

Beef Jerky

Veggies

Protein Bar





Protein:
1. Necessary to burn fat
80-100 grams a day
twice a day

2. Fat burning effect at first meal
30 grams or more within 3 hrs of waking up burns 40% more fat over 24 hrs.

3. Cuts Appetite
Especially liquid protein shakes & power crunch bars

4. Free calories – Rarely converted into Fat
Don’t count protein calories – they’re free!


Low Fat Proteins
1. Beef jerky

2. Beef: filet, 96% fat free ground beef, round steak, flank steak, sirloin, t-bone

3. Canadian Bacon

4. Cheese, fat free (best is Kraft Fat Free SHARP Cheddar)

5. Chicken, Never Fried

6. Cottage Cheese

7. Egg Whites

8. Hot Dogs, fat free

9. Luncheon meats, low fat

10. Pork

11. Protein bars

12. Protein Drinks/Powders
a. Never use SOY Protein powders, Soy stops thyroid conversion to active thyroid hormone thereby slowing metabolism.
b. Never use milk, which contains fat producing hormone estrone, not even skim milk

13. Seafood, never fried

14. Tuna, packed in water

15. Turkey

16. Yogurt

Free Protein Calories : How to

1. Find the grams of protein on the label, we’ll use 13 g

2. Multiply the grams of protein by 4, This equals the calories of protein.
a. 13g x 4g/cal = 52 free protein calories

3. Find the calories per serving on the nutrition label, we’ll say 80 calories per serving

4. Subtract the FREE protein calories (from step #2, 52 free protein calories ) from the total calories (from step #3, 80)
a. 80-52 = 28 TRUE calories
This equals the TRUE CALORIES, only count the TRUE CALORIES = 28 cal
However, if there are 3 servings per container and you eat the whole box then you must multiply the true calories times three.
3 x 28 = 84 True Calories
The TRUE calories are what you write down towards your 600-800 or 1000-1200 calories a day.


Your body rarely converts protein into fat
When it does, it takes 5 calories of energy to turn 4 calories of protein into fat ~ a net loss of fat.
Labels always list grams of food
There are 4 cal in 1 gram of protein
Multiply the grams of protein on the label times 4 to convert to calories:
4 x grams of protein = calories of protein.

Long Term Goals and Maintenance

1. Change your thinking about
a. Portion size – the single most important change
b. Food choices
c. Drink choices
d. Speed – it takes 20 minutes after eating for that “had-enough” signal to reach the brain, so eat slowly, pause, eat a little more, then stop.

2. Exercise – 4-6 times a week, 30 min or more non-stop

3. Tackle little weight gains (10-15 lbs) quickly and efficiently.

Some Bad Choices

Starches
1. Bread

2. Pasta

3. Potatoes

4. Rice

5. Corn (Popcorn is ok)

6. Beans (string beans is ok)

7. Wheat products (cereals, biscuits, croutons, bagels, crackers, pancakes, waffles, etc)

Sugars
1. Candy

2. Cookies

3. Fruit juices

4. Soft drinks

5. Sweet tea

6. Chocolate

7. Ice cream

8. Pastry

Bad Fruits
1. Bananas

2. Grapes

3. Raisins

4. Dates

5. Figs

6. Avocados

7. Olives

Alcohol – Alcohol turns off the enzymes that burn fat. Three drinks will stop your body from burning fat for 48 hours.
Hint: Save alcohol for one day a week
Best Drink: Wine spritzer (white wine, club soda or diet 7-up/diet sprite)

As for working out made by an ex: Thanks Mo!
Do not feel as though you must do all of these or in that order... I sure dont! hahah

Monday - warm up
Parallel squats 4x16
Leg curls 4x12
Hip Abductor machine 4x20
Cardio 30 minutes
Ab workout - 4x30 each exercise [box crunch, leg raises, plank, Bicycle kicks]

Tuesday - warm up
Lunges with minimal weight 16 each leg x 4
Bicep curls 4x16
a Tricep machine of your choice! [you dont wanna get jacked] 4x16
Hip adductor 4x20
Cardio 30 minutes
Ab workout - 4x20

Wednesday - Off or just cardio

Thursday - warm up
Leg extensions 4x16
back extension 4x16
chest press 4x16
Calf raises 30seconds FAST
Assisted pull ups 4x12
Cardio 30 minutes
Mondays Ab workout

The next workout can be done either Friday or Saturday depending on how sore you are

Fri/Sat - Warm up
Seated Lat pulldown machine 4x16
Tricep Ext. with rope on cable apparatus 4x16
Wall sit 1 minute, 1:15, 1:30, 1:00, then 1:45 =)
***a random exercise of your choice 4x16 you gotta have fun***
Cardio 20-30 min.
Tuesdays Ab workout

Sun- Off

To be honest... its all about what you put into it. If you know that you are eating bad then obviously you arent going to see a lot of results. By no means am I saying to give up anything or everything to start losing weight. Its about portion control and most of all self control. Its also about find someone to keep you accountable. Victoria and I have kept each other motivated and helped to keep each other's eyes on the prize. Some days we go alone so you dont necessarily need to be tied at the hip but it helps to have that person light a fire under your butt every now and again! If anyone has any questions or needs some encouragement feel free to shoot me an email or find me on facebook!

Things Happen

"There don’t have to be harps playing, or birds singing, or rose petals falling from the sky. And there are definitely days when the romance is dead… but if you look around, things are pretty amazing. So stop for a second, enjoy the beauty, feel the magic, drink it in because it won’t last forever. The romance will fade, things will happen, people will change, love will die but maybe not today."

Its been almost 2 months since my last post and BOY have things happened! So many changes, events, & mishaps.

The biggest change that occurred was on November 5th when I got out of class... I adopted a sweet sweet annoying black lab pup named Spider but that name was changed that evening to Shadow! He has been the apple of my eye (along with Charlie) since! Given everything that has happened in the last 5 months, my babies are the reason that I wake up every day. Its not about taking care of myself anymore but I have two lives that depend on me day in and day out. Shadow has been more than just a dog but quite honestly he has been a life saver. Charlie well he's been the same since I got him, he's been loving and affectionate when he wants to but is very independent. Shadow on the other hand has made me get off the couch... he has me up and walking/running the area again like I did when I lived in Boone. He makes me get out of the apartment even if it is for just a few short minutes to let him pee and just like Charlie he has been loving and affectionate in his own way but makes me feel like he needs me! 

These past 2 months have been full of ups and downs. I've missed being with my family and being close to them but I've been lucky to see them more than I have probably seen them all year. I've spent some weekends in Chapel Hill and another in Fayetteville, I missed that place but most of all I've missed my friends there. You know at moments I forgot about what was going on back home that I was actually able to let loose and have fun... but then every time I came home I would be reminded of all the bad things that happened. For whatever reason, someone in my circle of friends has decided that they need to take it upon themselves to give every detail of my life to my ex. Whoever this person is doesnt seem to realize they are driving a wedge further between us because we dont talk as it is and when we did it was never really nice. Despite those setbacks, I have been trying to find myself again. I even went to the movies by myself one afternoon in order to just have some alone time. 

I've been throwing around an idea of writing a book lately. I've been told that I have a knack for writing and people have enjoyed reading about the setbacks in my life. However, I feel like if I write a book then I am going to go for more of a Carrie Bradshaw/Sex & the City kinda book! hahah 

I have started going out again and even got offered just last night to be someone's baby's momma! hahah I still have to think Lisa for that save! 

Wanna talk about a story?? 

Chapter 3

[First Chapter would be a prelude of everything that has happened to build up to what would compile the book and Chapter 2 would be the icebreakers]

It's 10pm on a Sunday evening and nothing to do so Lisa and I decided to take ourselves to the streets of Winston Salem - NO we are not hookers! ;) They were celebrating the 2nd Annual Santacon downtown. This is where a bunch of guys and gals dress up in their best Santa gear and goes barhopping. Finnigan's Wake was the first stop on the list for the night. We were not participating in Santacon but I thought it would be entertaining to at least go and watch a bunch of drunk Santas. Finnigan's was full of drunks and wasnt all that fun so we decided to down our drinks and head to a place we could dance. As soon as I step outside the door, we were met with blue lights and a crowd drawing as police were gathering around the front of a car. I, being my nosey self, decided to see what was going on when I noticed a girl lying there. This girl had been hit by a car. Not even thinking, I immediately jump into action. I asked the servers of Finnigan's to grab me some gloves and some clean towels and check this girl out. Girl was obviously in shock as she could barely get words out of her mouth at first as she just looked at me with her hands held out with the look on her face of "did that just happen?". As the police and I asked her questions she started to talk a little more. I applied pressure to her head from her wound and we kept her spine straight the best we could until the paramedics arrived. As with just about any paramedic they pushed me right out of the way as if I had no idea what I was doing! Oh well! I did my good deed for the night! 

We walked down the road, since they had the rest of the street blocked off, to the District. I love the roof top because its such a beautiful view of the city. They had a band but not enough people so once again we found ourselves out in search for a better time. We found ourselves at Elixir for the rest of the evening. There was a guy that just about knocked Lisa over while we were standing at the bar so what do I do? I push him back and I asked him what he was thinking pushing a girl out of the way. The look on his face was priceless from the second his jaw dropped as I could tell he wasnt used to someone calling him out for his blatant disrespect. He finally was able to stammer out that he was sorry and I told him he needed to make it up to her and buy her a drink [which she refused, crazy woman!]. Ultimately, he and I struck up conversation and he introduced me to his friends. Here was where I learned the man was gay. He ended up buying me a drink and a shot before asking me to dance. After a few dances, he begins to tell me how he thought I was beautiful and puts a ring on my left hand as they play Beyonce's "Single Ladies" and pulls out his cell and shows me a picture of his 6 year old son. At this point, he was drunk and slurring words but he always got out "I need to know that you are in this for the long haul, this boy is my world and he needs mom that is going to be in his life without running, every girl runs when I talk to them about the whole package that comes with me" clear as a bell. I tried to be nice and I let him off gently but he just wasnt going to have it. I finally looked at him and told him I was going to go back to the bar and see my friend that I came with. He about threw a hissy fit saying that I was just running, he knew I would when he told me about his kid. hahaha I didnt even know how to respond... just earlier in the evening he told me he was gay! This went on for a while and finally Lisa stepped in and told him to cut the crap after I walked him outside and left him out there. 

The guy vanished after that!

So that is just a little taste of what I have in my arsenal but I will definitely have to start putting up more posts as these crazy nights progress! 

Everything Happens for a Reason!

On this day of your life, Stephanie, we believe God wants you to know ... 

that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being.

Give some of that weight where it belongs - to God. 

Have faith that what happens is for the best, 

whether you understand it or not

- Message from God

These past couple of days have been pretty rough. I've found myself stressing over alot of things that I probably should of just let go but couldn't. I've been waiting to hear about nursing school, working 48-60 hrs a week, school, and various other personal issues. 

For the past few weeks and the next couple I am working atleast 48 hours. When I get off, I am normally headed to the gym and working out the day's aggressions. Which means that I am being left with about 4 hours of sleep at night. I think my body is just starting to catch up to my mind. 

Two days ago I got a letter in the mail about whether or not I would be accepted into the nursing program. Before I even got out of my car, I prayed that God's Will be done. If this was my time to move forward I would thank him, if it wasn't then once again I would thank him and remember that maybe there is something better/different that is in His plans. As I opened that letter, I felt my heart sink. Did I really want to see what was on that letter? What if it was a yes... I would be excited, but if it said no, I was pretty sure it'd break my heart. Well folks, it was a - 

"We appreciate your interest in the Associate Degree Nursing Program here at Forsyth Tech however we regret to inform you that you were not chosen for one of the 216 seats as we are competitive and the point range this year was between 157.7-179 and you only had 157 pts towards the program." 

Talk about a jaw drop! I know I said I would believe that maybe things happened for a reason but .7 (POINT SEVEN OF A POINT) REALLY?!?!? I was devastated none the less! 

I feel like I've been chasing this dream for too long and it definitely sent my emotions into a spiral. I've been trying so hard to keep my emotions in check and it wasnt until I found myself at work Friday morning and I just couldnt focus. I wasnt there, at all! I went into work an hour late, left 6 hours early, and was just bummed! What did I end up doing?? I bought a washer/dryer set! haha Atleast I bought something I needed vs a bunch of impulse buying! Victoria and I ended up at the gym and then went in for an early night. Watched about half of Act of Valor before I spent the evening crying myself to sleep. When I said emotional spiral, I mean I literally cry at everything right now. As I watched Act of Valor, the only face in my head was my father's. Are these the thoughts that he had as he left us every deployment because I know when the lady's husband walks out the door and she falls to her knees and cries was definitely my response everytime. Watching the soldier throw his body on a grenade for his fellow brothers... making that sacrifice to save so many others, is that what my father saw time and time again? It broke my heart. Makes me realize and makes me angry to see so many Americans bad mouth a soldier who dies to give them the right to be so ugly. Personally I am damn proud of the man I call my father! That man has put his life on the line time and time again to fight for not only my freedom but for that of complete strangers. I hope that one day I can make him half as proud of me that he makes me everyday just being the wonderful man that he is. 

I woke up this morning and my heart was still heavy. I was stopped at a stoplight and just prayed for clarity on my life. I need to know where I am headed, what am I here for, where am I going so wrong to have people walk over me and run out of my life. I'm tried of being using me as a doormat. I am so thankful for the few close friends and family that I have in my life but bottom line is I realized who my true friends were the day people found out Ryan and I were no longer together. Whats even funnier is to go out and run into some of these people and they act like they are still your friends and apologize for what has happened and give you the whole lets hang out again ( when they really have no intentions of that at all ) but really they are just that two faced and want to show face since they are NOW in front of you. 

Goodbye

"You and I will meet again, 

When we're least expecting it, 

One day in some far off place, 

I will recognize your face,

I won't say goodbye my friend,

For you and I will meet again." 

– Tom Petty

Last night, I came home and as I was plugging in my phone charger under the bed, I smelt an odor. Not anything gross just an odor! So what did I do? I investigated! There is nothing under my bed... I wondered if it was my stinky gym clothes in the bathroom that started to seep out into the bed room for a minute before I realized that the smell was not in the room just under the bed. So I went to the other side of the bed and right as I took one step onto that side of the carpet did I feel something squish between my toes! No folks, my cat is litter- trained and did not leave me a surprise on the floor (my first thought)!!! The floor was soaked from the head of the bed to the edge where I stood. Not only that but you could see fluid begin to pool at the top of the carpet in a few spots so I got down on my knees and continued to investigate. I could hear the carpet squish underneath me and I knew there was no way it was just spill. So I began looking for leaks. Windowsill was dry... edges against the walls - dry! I couldnt figure it out.

My lovely maintenance man, Thomas, stopped by today and was able to treat/clean up the carpet and come to find out there is a leak in the foundation causing the water to come in from the outside. Now as much as we've paid for this apartment, I would think we wouldn't be running into these problems but atleast they fix them right away! Thanks BBP for looking out for me!
Monday night I was pretty bummed thinking I bombed my STATS test but guess who not only made 100% but also is going to be doing some tutoring?? That's right... THIS GIRL! I was completely shocked when I was handed my paper this evening. Over half the class failed the test and even a few he didnt bother to show them their grades... just gave them a take home retest. Some folks just arent meant to be teachers... dont get me wrong (I'm pretty sure I've said this before) he's a smart guy just cant dumb it down for everyone to understand. I've walked out of class early on at least 2 occasions so I didnt lose my cool with him because he just doesnt get it that people need help sometimes and tries to make them feel stupid for asking.

I spent most of my day trying to go thru some old things and throwing away a bunch of stuff I no longer needed/wanted before my move. Its left me with so many mixed emotions. Its so weird to build a life with someone just to pack it up or throw it all away. How do you go about acting like something didnt exist? I've just learned I have to pick myself up and keep on going. Sometimes its easier to throw the baggage in the dumpster instead of carrying it for the rest of your life. I've always heard that when you love something, let it go if it comes back it was meant to be. Well I let him walk out the door almost 2 months ago and I dont see anything changing. My feelings havent changed... It makes trying to start over harder and basically I cant stand for anyone else to touch me even in a friendly way but that'll get easier one day. I'm sure it'll start getting easier once I'm officially moved out of this apartment and away from every reminder of the love that used to live here. I guess this is going to be goodbye to every thing I thought was going to be my future but when there is one goodbye, there is always a hello! Looking forward to the new place and being closer to both work and school!

For the 1st time in almost 3 weeks I did not go to the gym. I almost regret it because its been my release of emotions over the past couple of weeks however I figured it was a good time to take a break before I feel like poo! haha Back to the grind though tomorrow and I cant wait.

Well back to doing the laundry and hopefully crawling into bed soon! Good night loves!

Thank You!

The chains of yesterday surround me

I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up where You found me

And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west

And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned

But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away

From You leaving me this way

- Casting Crowns

You know that moment when everything just seems right in the world? I think I had one of those moments today. I felt like I was right where I needed to be at just the right moment and I was happy. 

Today started as every other day... woke up with about 15 mins to get myself together and run out the door (to class this time instead of work)! (Two)Three hour classes, twice a week + 2 online classes sucks but is all that will fit into my lovely work schedule however, I atleast have one (of two) instructors that I like and I dont mind listening to her teach for 3 hours. Then after coming home and spending about an hour on the phone with Sprint, I got my new phone activated and ready to go! Lets just say I am in love! Then of course the dreaded Stats class. I am good at Stats, dont get me wrong, but my instructor is a knucklehead! hahah He is so smart that he has NO IDEA how to dumb the subject down for his students and they are so incredibly confused. Well we had class last over 1 1/2 week ago and when we came back from Fall Break today, we were met with a test. It was funny to hear all the sighs of awkwardness and frustrations and watch people fidget in their chairs. Of course, he has no idea that he is not helping his students cause he just doesnt want to realize it even when we try to explain to him we need him to dumb it down. My favorite thing about him is he calls derivative dividend. hahah

After Stats tonight, Lisa made me dinner and we chatted/watched some of The Voice before I headed out to the gym! I love that I have such a great friend that looks out for my well being. I couldnt ask for such a wonderful friend even when she ignores my calls/text messages and vice versa! hahah just kidding (inside joke) Holley tried to kill my gym time with some no bake cookies... chocolate, pb, and oatmeal! I almost fell for your tricks Holley Jean!! ;) I did try a little bit before she dumped out the 1st batch (she added some vanilla pudding... delicious but we agreed too dry!)

Gym time with Victoria was great as usual. Glad we got out there despite feeling so sore from yesterday. Not to mention, I LOVE THE RESULTS of our dedication thus far. I wore a size 6 jean today and I even put on a size 4 that I was able to button up with some wiggle room around the waist but my butt was just too big and I couldnt handle it being that squashed in those jeans but it certainly put a smile on my face! I love being comfortable with myself again... I was almost tipping the scale at 190 lbs back in July and now I am teetering 140-150 and I've never been more comfortable. 

For those who have been praying for me and checking on me... I just want you to know that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have been my inspiration in bettering myself and I give the credit to you for helping me keep my head up during the rough times sometimes it was words of encouragement and other times they were words that I didnt want to hear but needed to hear... each and every one of you know who you are and again I thank you. I was in a very dark place a few weeks ago and if it wasnt for your encouragement, I may not have made it through. I continue to keep my head up high and I just want to send a little shout out to Ronna, my daddy's lovely wife, the day you sent me the link to that video along with your kind words days prior it made a difference in my world and I am happy to report that I find myself getting closer and closer to achieving what you said I would. I am very happy to have you in my life... thank you for being you! 

However folks, continue to pray for me as I have some decisions to make tonight and over the next couple of days and I will be moving (hopefully in the next week or so), I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time in the day but I know with His help I will make it thru! 

True Love

true love :: 

does not mean you wont break up it means you'll always get back together... 

id rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else

id rather have hard times together then easy times apart... 

love isn't about how you forget but how you forgive one another.. 

it's not about how you listen but how you understand.. 

it's not about what you see but what you feel.. 

its not how you let go its how you hold on when things get rough... 

when two people are meant for each other no time is too long 

no distance is too far and nobody can tear them apart.. 

that is how you know its meant to be...

Today I spend the day sitting with a 6 wk old. From the time I picked him up the very first time he took my heart. I am a softy when it comes to babies. I love being able to hold, feed, love on, just give that special something to every baby I come into contact with especially when so many times they come thru the hospital because someone failed to give them that love like today. This precious little gift from God was a victim of parents that did not deserve to procreate. Story #1 from the mother was it was an unknown unintentional accident, Story #2 (and accurate story) was the baby was shaken. Shaken babies suffer so much from the force their parents shake them. In this case, the child had 1.7" of blood lining the cavity between his skull and skin. Due to the baby being so young and his fontanels not being fully closed, the blood was able to be released outside of the skull with possibility of the body reabsorbing it however the amount could cause seizures with the probability of death. Now that right there if proven which parent did it would be considered attempted manslaughter. 

I've always been a strong believer in the philosophy of "there are bad people who spit out children because they can or for the benefits of welfare but they do not/cannot take care of another human life while good baron couples cannot have children and could give these children a wonderful loving home." So why do these parents insist on torturing a child. People get frustrated all the time, not every parent is excited 100% of the time but they do not beat on their children or shake the hell out of them. So as I sat there with security all day (along with the mother) I was the only one ACTUALLY taking care of this child. In the 12 hours of me working I feed that child every 2 hours, burped him, changed him, swaddled him, held him, and comforted him when he cried. What mother sits back and lets a complete stranger do the job that she was intended to do? I, being the person I am and going thru the things I've been thru recently, had to leave the room and take me a minute because the second the nurse showed me the amount of blood on that baby's brain and explained the force that would have had to been put on that child for it to come to that just brought me to tears. WHAT I WOULD DO to give the child a proper home and let him know that he is loved. 

So it really got me thinking about becoming a foster parent. Not right now at this very instant but at some point in my life I feel like it would serve me well as I am wanting to show these children that not all people are bad and they deserve a love greater than what these deadbeat parents are showing them. 

I've spent my life on the quest of finding my true love and I think I finally realized that its not worth searching for, eventually when the time is right it'll find you. In the meantime, I can pour my love out to the children that I take care of and pretty much into my work because if I can make a difference in just one person's life a day, then I will feel like I've made a difference and I've made my mark on the world and I will feel like I have finally achieved what I've been searching for. 

Chalk Outline

I've been cursed. I've been crossed.

I've been beaten by the ones that get me off.

I've been cut. I've been opened up.

I've been shattered by the ones I thought I loved

All you left behind

Is a chalk outline

- Three Days Grace

Today has had its ups and downs... mostly ups I am happy to report. I woke up this morning thanking God for another day and asking he continue to give me a positive attitude. I had already woken up late and when I called into work to receive my assignment, I do believe the 1st words out of my mouth were "You're kidding right?!?". The floor I was assigned to was not one that I particularly favor. So it was then as I was putting on my uniform and makeup that I asked God for patience today and to keep my eyes on the prize instead of declaring a bad day from the start.

As I got to work, I happened to be pulling up the same time as a friend and we walked inside to find we were just down the hall from each other. As the day went by we were occasionally able to get together chat/vent and keep on moving then by lunch time he showed me the rooftop of the hospital where we had lunch and talked about some of the chaos we are surrounded by on a daily basis. I have to say it was the first time I've ever been on the rooftop of the hospital and it was quite refreshing to just be outdoors. Our break seemed to fly by and before we knew it it was over and we were headed back to our respective floors. The floor itself was not that bad today. Busy but steady. At times even a little chaotic but nothing like I was used to every other time I have been assigned to that floor. However, once again I think it makes a big difference the people that you work with because they were certainly all very wonderful today. Right after work, Victoria and I headed to the gym and of course had our round of Cardio followed by some weighted exercises. I cannot believe how much better I feel everytime walk into the gym. Its a whole motivation in itself and before we know it we've been there 2 hours and it just seems to go by so quickly. I just love the way I feel at the end of the day and of course I sleep so much better. 

So that was all the great things I did today... so for the downs of the day...

I found myself talking about things that have happened, things I want to happen, and just things in general. My ultimate response when someone asked me why did I allow certain things to happen or why I reacted to certain things the way I did... Love was always my answer. Sometimes you dont know the effect love has on your emotions until it has completely consumed you and you feel like you just cant let go of that feeling. Makes me think of the women who get beaten on a regular basis and yet are "so in love" that they cannot get out of such an abusive relationship. No my relationship was not abusive... I just used that as an example but it made me wonder about what it was in my head that really made me hold on. Maybe I was so consumed with my version of love that I did not see we were losing touch long before this ended, I didnt see that he was unhappy, and I didnt see that I was pushing him right into the comforting arms of another girl. At the end of the day, I knew in my heart that I wasnt able to comfort him at the end of his bad days at work and that broke my heart but just like my bad/rough days at work he didnt know how to comfort me either. They say opposites attract and we were certainly opposites but at the end of the day sometimes love really isnt enough to keep two people together when everything else seems to put a wedge between you. Its amazing how much you miss the little things that got on your nerves when there is nothing to get on your nerves anymore. So to sum it up... Listen to Chalk Outline by Three Days Grace. I listened to it while I was in the gym tonight and its the song that got me thinking!

Said Yes to the Dress!

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous. 

- Carrie, Sex and the City

Back in July, I went to pick out a wedding dress with my mother. It was the very 1st time I ever tried on dresses and I knew what I wanted but I was terrified to try it on in fear that I would not be as in love with the dress as I was in my dreams. You know that whole childhood fantasy every woman has of the perfect wedding, well that dress was the biggest part of mine.

Pre-breakup I was a bit on the heavier side of my scale (bigger than what I wanted to be)! I knew I was going to lose some weight for the wedding so I ordered a size smaller than what I actually needed. The dress came in after Ryan moved out of course and when I put it on... it was absolutely ENORMOUS! I have lost 50 lbs now and so when I went to my appt today at David's Bridal I had expected to go down a dress size when in fact I went from women's sizes to regular sizes and the jump from the smallest woman's size to the largest regular size was a 3 size difference so I was a bit skeptical going down but when they took one look at me they went down another size and had me try on that dress. It was 4 dress sizes down and PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL!!! I now cannot wait for the day that I am able to get married and wear such a beautiful dress. Not to mention they even threw in a hairpiece for kicks! Boy, I wish I was standing by Ryan's side on June 15th at 3pm wearing that dress but looks like that dress is going to have to wait for another time, another date, and looking beautiful beside another tux! =/

Feeling so B-E-A-U-TIFUL today certainly made my day.

But, WAIT, THERE'S MORE! For 19.99 you get ... just kidding. No infommertial here!

I went into work for a couple extra hours this evening just took myself busy (and happy of course) and got to talk to a friend who I just so happened to be relieving and he kicked my happiness level up a notch. I dont know if its just a female thing but sometimes guys just know the right thing to say and just the right time (not even in a flirtatious manner). Its nice to have guy friends that want to be just that... a friend! The next few hours went by quick and then it was off to the gym.

Now the gym has become part of my everyday routine these days. I love that I have Victoria to help me be accountable when it comes to going to the gym! I love that she has as much drive as I do when it comes to being healthy. It makes such a huge difference when you constantly have someone to motivate you and to be honest I feel like a horrible person when I think for a second that I dont want to go to the gym because I feel like I'll let her down and I love that she is always up for that challenge!

I have so much to be thankful for today that I honestly do not know where to start. I love that every day lately has been filled with hope and happiness and for once I feel like I can keep my head above water (no meds needed)! I filled out a survey yesterday that in part made me think so much yesterday and two of the questions were "Do you feel like other people are the cause of your troubles?" and "Do you feel like someone else controls your actions?" and my honest answer was no. I thought to myself, in the 1st few days of this blog I placed blame on others and occasionally still do but overall I've been alot happier since the time I realized only I can control my actions, only I can control my emotions, and only I can control how I react to what others do to me. That alone put a lot of things into perspective for me. So while I did mention 2 people in my blog yesterday... you both know who you are, I ended up offending another. Like I told her today, my intentions are not to offend anyone especially not someone I dont mean to or has nothing to do with what has happened, I just simply want to be able to vent and share and get feedback because if I kept everything bottled up then I'm pretty positive my whole world would come crashing down and someone would find me later hanging from my shower (graphic I know but truth). That's not the person that I am and that's certainly not the person I want to be. I've gone thru more difficult things in my past then most people will ever go thru in their lives to include losing my 1st child. Not many people know that outside of my family but at the same time I think people need to know that when it comes to me... you truly have no idea what I've dealt with and what I continue to deal with so dont pretend like you know what I'm going thru.

On an end note (and to bring this back to a positive side) I just want to continue to follow this path of happiness I am on. It makes a world of difference for me when I keep myself busy (the whole working almost 60hrs a week) because I, now, really believe that idle hands do the devil's work. I cannot seem to stay out of trouble unless I keep myself busy! hahah Good thing is... I have lots to look forward to in the next couple of weeks. Charlie and I are moving to the other side of town and I will be closer to 2 two lovely ladies, school, and work. I need to get a move on on my quest for finding some moving boxes or I may just wait and pack up everything in the car in bins and move things over slowly over a couple of days and then enlist the help of some wonderful guys (with trucks of course) and move the big stuff!

I am beyond excited as I feel like I am getting ready to start over. A new lease on life and of course a new lease on an apartment. Things are finally looking up and I am loving every second of it!

Keeping the Faith

Faith is believing in what is true. Faith has two elements: 1) being convinced of the truth, being certain of reality, having evidence of unseen things, and 2) believing, hoping in, embracing, seizing the truth.

Today I chose to walk in faith. These days the truth is hard to come by. It seems everywhere around you, you find yourself surrounded by liars. There are the good lies, the bad lies, and the outright malicious lies. Today has a been a little harder than the past couple of days because I want so bad to fall back into some of my old habits and old feelings but I am choosing to walk by faith and see that there is something God has in store for me that is far greater than my past. I am hoping that God is going to put forth something so great for me that I am going to look back and wonder what was I ever thinking.

I spent most of my day sitting which gave me a lot of time to ponder. It didnt seem to matter how much I tried to keep my mind preoccupied on other things, I always seem to come back to the certain issues on my current situation. I found myself talking to a friend who has found her Mr. Right after being engaged to Mr. Wrong just as I had. She made me think awfully hard about just sitting back and letting the world pass me by. I bet she didnt even realize she made me think that hard! haha Here I have been standing on my own two feet and I have found myself getting happier and happier everyday... but I still feel like something is missing/not right. 

So the search is on! It's time to find what I've been missing. Find that missing link in my chain. Maybe its moving out and fully moving on with my life. Here I talk to Ryan just about everyday still and while I want nothing more than to be amicable he always tries to reel me in just to cast that line back out and cut it loose. I dont fully understand what is still going on in his head. I'm not here to play games... just as I told him - I dont care about his feelings towards me I and working on building myself back up and I dont need to see or hear about girls throwing themselves at him... or him telling me about a friend of mine telling him how nice of a guy he is so they flirt over facebook and carry on like we didnt have a relationship and when they both get called out on it all of a sudden deny anything is going on or his old romping partner that likes to throw herself at everybody else's guys (which is how she got the guy she had been dating while Ryan and I were together & pretty convenient she's single all of a sudden). I'm over the pettiness of "friends" that were two-faced during my relationship and gave me the whole "I'm here for you" bit and yet have been MIA. I've got guys throwing themselves at me but do I flaunt that all over facebook, do I put pictures up of it, do I throw it in his face... NO because I'm over it. I'm not allowing someone else to humiliate not only him but myself. None of those girls have any respect for me, my feelings, or our relationship which is where a lot of our problems stemmed from during the relationship. Once again, like I told him... if he didnt care to protect me during our relationship I do not expect him to protect me now. 

All that being said, it comes back full circle that only I can protect myself from the hurt, pain, or guilt. I cannot let someone else be a backseat driver to my emotions. I have to keep my head up high and continue to take one small step forward everyday because at this point... baby steps are just as important as giant leaps. I choose to keep the faith - to believe in the unseen, to hope, to embrace, and to seize every opportunity that comes my way for I am the only one that can control my destiny.

Girl on Fire

This girl is on fire. Looks like a girl but she’s a flame. So bright she can burn your eyes, Better look the other way. You can try but you’ll never forget her name. She’s on top of the world, Hottest of the hottest girls say. Oh, we got our feet on the ground and we’re burning it down. Oh, got our head in the clouds and we’re not coming down. This girl is on fire

- Alicia Keys

Its absolutely amazing how different each day is... 

I woke up this morning in another great mood. I was a bit saddened that I woke up later than I had expected  but that didnt stop me from getting everything done that I wanted to accomplish and then some. I was happy to get my new phone today (even though I cant seem to get it set up the way I would like it, sucks when you've depended on that tech savvy fiance of yours to do that and he's not there to fix it! haha) and then I was able to sign a lease and put down a deposit for my new place. I had intentions of getting a one bedroom but then I had the opportunity to see a 2 bedroom WITH a fireplace and a walk-in closet and just couldnt turn it down! They offered me great move in deals and I couldnt be happier with my decision to move forward (not to mention, my possibly potential roommate! *\o/*) 

So Lisa and I went to Burlington Coat Factory today and you would never believe what this (me!) pink hater  bought... a pair of PINK pumps! I couldnt believe it but let me tell you... I cant wait to wear them with my new outfit. Not only did I have I feel good about where I am moving to but I buying those shoes made me feel beautiful as well! 

Today's been short and sweet but really the only thing that stood out for me today was the fact that I have to say this new me feels good... I like being a girl on fire!!

Until tomorrow... another day of work awaits! 

Right thru Me

You let me win, you let me ride. You let me rock, you let me slide, & when they looking you let me hide. Defend my honor, Protect my pride. The Good advice I always hated but looking back it made me greater.You always told me forget the haters just get my money, just get my weight up. Know when I'm lying, Know when I'm crying, Its like you got it down to a science. 

- Nicki Minaj

Today started out on such a great note, I could not let it go to waste. I was on 7 Reynolds again today and for the 1st time ever... I went 12 hours with NO rapid response or code status! We came close a time or two but did not have to actually run with it!


From the time that I walked on the floor this morning I was met with "Thank God, Stephanie is here... we can get thru any code today with those compressions and we're going to have a good day!" For the 1st time I smiled and accepted what happened/how I reacted and the fact that I did the best I could. As the day went by there were little things that continued to brighten up my day... my patients, my coworkers, my attitude! The fact that we had a full hall (25 patients) and the 3rd NA never showed up didnt even seem to phase me... which NEVER happens. That latter part alone drives me nuts especially on dayshift however the girls kept a smile on my face. It was about lunch time when I sat down and was EATING when I realized I was alone and smiling/laughing at myself. I was already happy about how my day was going but that seemed to perk me up even more. Some of the nurse's showed up and we chatted and laughed and cut up and I again realized that my day couldnt get any better.



As the day went on my spirit stayed high. Its amazing the difference a smile makes on one person's face and how it seems to illuminate a room. Then I remembered the Message from God that I received last night before falling asleep -

Even when you feel ugly or depressed or guilty or ashamed, there is an inner spark in you which is light. This light is your beauty. This light is your reflection of God. You are a child of God, thus you are beautiful.

Some how I seemed to have rekindled my spark and people began to notice. Not to mention, I have continued to keep up with an old friend of mine and he's always know the right things to say. The best part is he, too, has gone thru the same situation as I have and so it's so easy to talk to him and he understands just what I'm going thru without passing judgement or getting bored or telling me to get over it and find another fish in the sea. we have found that we can rely on each other thru thick and thin and can even say/share the hard stuff. Thanks for being such a great friend Mike, your mom was right about you being such a wonderful person!! Thanks for being you!!

CODE BLUE

“You need someone to lift your spirits. You need someone to look you in the face and say, "This isn't the end. Don't give up. There is a better place than this. And I'll lead you there.”

I know the hardships that my job entails... its why I took the job in the first place. I knew that I wanted to do my job ever since I was younger for one reason - to make a difference in someone's life. Today I did one of the hardest things I ever have to do in my line of work... let someone go! 

Today started as any other day... 2 hours of sleep and then I headed to work. I called for my assignment and 7 Reynolds it was. I love that floor, dont get me wrong, but every time I'm there something bad happens but I chose to keep a positive attitude. As I worked my assignment this morning, the sitter for my patient wanted a break. I made her wait an extra 30 mins or so to finish getting some work done and as I went to relieve her I found myself a bit taken back at how upset the patient was at this girl. So I asked the girl to go on her break and the nurse came in and helped me get her to a chair. The patient was a bit confused but I found comfort in helping her to understand my purpose for being with her. She looked at me and said "Well, okay missy but I need to poop!" haha The RN and I dragged the chair she was in straight to the bathroom and then let her walk the few steps and sit. She grabbed ahold of my hand and said thank you honey but I could use some privacy. 

Now, I normally would walk out the room door and wait for her to call out but today I decided to wait right next to the  bathroom door and the second I heard a break in her stream, I turned to ask if she was ok where she went wide eyed and slumped over against the wall. I immediately pulled the alarm and held her in my arms where I felt her slipping away with every second that passed. All I remember is hearing dear Frances's voice and screaming we had a code. Before she had the chance to call over the intercom, I had the RN by my side and we were lifting her body to carry her back to her bed to begin CPR. She continued to slip away so we stopped right where we were and I started compressions. Everything else just seemed like a whirl wind event as tons of people spilled in... Rapid Response, Code Team, CCU Nurses, Doctors, Charges, Unit Managers, etc, etc. Then came John, he and I swapped out doing compressions. The doctor who ran the code was odd... yes I said odd. You know we learn that when you start getting tired you have someone swap out with you but no, she was adamant about each of us going the full 2 mins. He did compressions for about 8 mins as I hooked up lines according to Rapid's instructions, since we had such little space to do all of this. My turn came again... 10 mins of compressions for this gal in 2 min increments before checking for a pulse time and time again. I did compressions til  I was blue in the face. I could not even get a song in my head as I just continually felt ribs break underneath my palms. I held back tears as it just broke my heart with each crack I felt. All I could do was count and pray and pray and count and each time someone asked me a question I could feel my arms start to buckle as I tried to answer so I just chose not to speak until my 2 mins were up. 

Shock 1 administered. Faint carotid pulse. Lost. Begin Compressions. 

Time and time again we tried to get her back.

Shock 2 administered. Faint carotid. Holding. Lost. Begin 2 mins. 

At this point I could feel my head spinning but I did not lose focus. All I wanted was this woman to not give up. This round it felt like I was pushing into a water bed. I could hear and feel the slushing sound as I pushed against her chest. 

1 min 20 seconds. 

Charge knelt beside me and asked to take over when the doctor snapped TWO MINUTES!

Rapid RN started the count down... 45 seconds. 

20 seconds.

15 seconds.

8 seconds.

5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Check for a pulse. Faint. Final Shock 3 administered. Charge had to administer meds which means I did the final set of compressions before it was official. No pulse. Time of Death 11:42 am 

Spectators (yes I call them spectators because they just stood there and watched - just took up space even after they were asked to leave) finally cleared the room as they realized we were going to need some help lifting her lifeless body off the floor. I waited for people to leave as I hung my head in defeat. My legs were so wobbly and I could barely hold myself up as my arms felt like jello. Nursing Supervisor patted my back and told me what an amazing job I did and tears just welled up in my eyes. I went to the patients bathroom as the tears rolled down my face and I hit the wall. I took a minute, regrouped, and helped get her back to the bed. 

Through out today I was praised for my "amazing job", "great compressions", "kept composure throughout the code", "amazing teamwork", and blah blah blah. How do you accept praise when you didnt even accomplish what you set out to do... bring this woman back to life? When I took my lunch break and went downstairs to my staffing office I was met once again with praises that I felt I just could not accept. Later, my boss emailed me to thank me since the floor seemed to sing my praises, but I still could not accept it. We couldnt clean up the body until the family was notified and so when I got back from break I went to see her. 

I found myself straightening out her limbs, as to prevent contraction, and praying that this was not the end for her but that she found her everlasting life. As I laid her hands across her chest I said one last simple prayer and shut the door behind me. 

My heart was heavy and this situation was all that people wanted to talk about and I found myself beginning to walk away from conversations as they ultimately led to "she did such an amazing job".  I just couldnt understand how something that people found so great could cause me to feel so much sorrow. 

So today I learned to endure. I learned to push thru the situation and find a peace in my heart, if not for me for her. I did everything I could possibly do but like Ray said... I am not God. When it is time for someone to go we could fight like hell but it wont change the outcome because ultimately God has the plan already set in motion. For the 1st time someone said something that made me feel good. However, I ended up coming home to an empty home. I have never longed for someone's touch as much as I did tonight. All I want is for someone to hug me... to squeeze me tight... someone to let me feel and know that I am loved today for today was hard and its days like today that make it suck to come home and deal with the pain and emotion that comes all alone. 

Tomorrow is another day and who knows maybe someone is ready to love me.