CODE BLUE

“You need someone to lift your spirits. You need someone to look you in the face and say, "This isn't the end. Don't give up. There is a better place than this. And I'll lead you there.”

I know the hardships that my job entails... its why I took the job in the first place. I knew that I wanted to do my job ever since I was younger for one reason - to make a difference in someone's life. Today I did one of the hardest things I ever have to do in my line of work... let someone go! 

Today started as any other day... 2 hours of sleep and then I headed to work. I called for my assignment and 7 Reynolds it was. I love that floor, dont get me wrong, but every time I'm there something bad happens but I chose to keep a positive attitude. As I worked my assignment this morning, the sitter for my patient wanted a break. I made her wait an extra 30 mins or so to finish getting some work done and as I went to relieve her I found myself a bit taken back at how upset the patient was at this girl. So I asked the girl to go on her break and the nurse came in and helped me get her to a chair. The patient was a bit confused but I found comfort in helping her to understand my purpose for being with her. She looked at me and said "Well, okay missy but I need to poop!" haha The RN and I dragged the chair she was in straight to the bathroom and then let her walk the few steps and sit. She grabbed ahold of my hand and said thank you honey but I could use some privacy. 

Now, I normally would walk out the room door and wait for her to call out but today I decided to wait right next to the  bathroom door and the second I heard a break in her stream, I turned to ask if she was ok where she went wide eyed and slumped over against the wall. I immediately pulled the alarm and held her in my arms where I felt her slipping away with every second that passed. All I remember is hearing dear Frances's voice and screaming we had a code. Before she had the chance to call over the intercom, I had the RN by my side and we were lifting her body to carry her back to her bed to begin CPR. She continued to slip away so we stopped right where we were and I started compressions. Everything else just seemed like a whirl wind event as tons of people spilled in... Rapid Response, Code Team, CCU Nurses, Doctors, Charges, Unit Managers, etc, etc. Then came John, he and I swapped out doing compressions. The doctor who ran the code was odd... yes I said odd. You know we learn that when you start getting tired you have someone swap out with you but no, she was adamant about each of us going the full 2 mins. He did compressions for about 8 mins as I hooked up lines according to Rapid's instructions, since we had such little space to do all of this. My turn came again... 10 mins of compressions for this gal in 2 min increments before checking for a pulse time and time again. I did compressions til  I was blue in the face. I could not even get a song in my head as I just continually felt ribs break underneath my palms. I held back tears as it just broke my heart with each crack I felt. All I could do was count and pray and pray and count and each time someone asked me a question I could feel my arms start to buckle as I tried to answer so I just chose not to speak until my 2 mins were up. 

Shock 1 administered. Faint carotid pulse. Lost. Begin Compressions. 

Time and time again we tried to get her back.

Shock 2 administered. Faint carotid. Holding. Lost. Begin 2 mins. 

At this point I could feel my head spinning but I did not lose focus. All I wanted was this woman to not give up. This round it felt like I was pushing into a water bed. I could hear and feel the slushing sound as I pushed against her chest. 

1 min 20 seconds. 

Charge knelt beside me and asked to take over when the doctor snapped TWO MINUTES!

Rapid RN started the count down... 45 seconds. 

20 seconds.

15 seconds.

8 seconds.

5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Check for a pulse. Faint. Final Shock 3 administered. Charge had to administer meds which means I did the final set of compressions before it was official. No pulse. Time of Death 11:42 am 

Spectators (yes I call them spectators because they just stood there and watched - just took up space even after they were asked to leave) finally cleared the room as they realized we were going to need some help lifting her lifeless body off the floor. I waited for people to leave as I hung my head in defeat. My legs were so wobbly and I could barely hold myself up as my arms felt like jello. Nursing Supervisor patted my back and told me what an amazing job I did and tears just welled up in my eyes. I went to the patients bathroom as the tears rolled down my face and I hit the wall. I took a minute, regrouped, and helped get her back to the bed. 

Through out today I was praised for my "amazing job", "great compressions", "kept composure throughout the code", "amazing teamwork", and blah blah blah. How do you accept praise when you didnt even accomplish what you set out to do... bring this woman back to life? When I took my lunch break and went downstairs to my staffing office I was met once again with praises that I felt I just could not accept. Later, my boss emailed me to thank me since the floor seemed to sing my praises, but I still could not accept it. We couldnt clean up the body until the family was notified and so when I got back from break I went to see her. 

I found myself straightening out her limbs, as to prevent contraction, and praying that this was not the end for her but that she found her everlasting life. As I laid her hands across her chest I said one last simple prayer and shut the door behind me. 

My heart was heavy and this situation was all that people wanted to talk about and I found myself beginning to walk away from conversations as they ultimately led to "she did such an amazing job".  I just couldnt understand how something that people found so great could cause me to feel so much sorrow. 

So today I learned to endure. I learned to push thru the situation and find a peace in my heart, if not for me for her. I did everything I could possibly do but like Ray said... I am not God. When it is time for someone to go we could fight like hell but it wont change the outcome because ultimately God has the plan already set in motion. For the 1st time someone said something that made me feel good. However, I ended up coming home to an empty home. I have never longed for someone's touch as much as I did tonight. All I want is for someone to hug me... to squeeze me tight... someone to let me feel and know that I am loved today for today was hard and its days like today that make it suck to come home and deal with the pain and emotion that comes all alone. 

Tomorrow is another day and who knows maybe someone is ready to love me.