Just a Reminder...

Talking about a past relationship doesn’t mean you’re still stuck on it, sometimes its a reminder not to screw up again.

I started this blog so that I could things off my chest. Maybe not for the world as much as it was for me to actually get out what I was feeling and being able to look back and see how far I've come. Given I only started it a couple of days ago, its had weeks of pent up emotions that I've not really been able to share. 

Today, I woke up and I realized that, Guess what? I am the only one hurting myself. Ryan isn't here so how can he still be the cause of my pain? Its me and me alone that keeps knocking myself back down on my ass day after day. I've allowed myself to be my greatest enemy and now its time to pick myself up and move forward. What have I learned thus far? I've learned that I cannot continue to beat myself up over the things that have transpired but I have to look at them for what they are worth and realize that they are now a stepping stone, a way to learn from my mistakes. 

I know I chased him away because I have never believed that I deserved something good in my life. When my own mom has to reassure me the night I get engaged that I deserved it and dont let myself find reasons otherwise... it says that it was inevitable that I would at some point screw it up and ultimately it would be Ryan's decision to stick with me or run for the hills and with friends like his... of course the latter option was what they would scream in his ears. I know I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to be. I know I've always been a damaged little girl stuck in a woman's body but what person is completely put together not damaged by past heartache, death of a loved one, loss after loss after loss? It just so happens I am all of those to a degree of 20+. 

From now on I refuse to take anything lying down. I am going to get up because I know for every step, every breath, every tear I've cried, every prayer in my heart, at my worst, when my world falls down, even in the dark, even when it gets hard He will never leave me because He is the only constant in my life. I should of reached out for Him long ago and instead I seemed the need to find love over finding true and everlasting love. Its always been said -

“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” 

― Max Lucado

Its about time that I find my God again. Once I truly know how to give up the hurt and the pain that has surrounded my life, I will know how to truly love someone with a full heart. I've spent years giving away bits and pieces of myself to the ones I've loved that it is now time to recollect and rebuild, something I should have done before I tried giving away a superglued and ducktaped heart to Ryan. He deserved more than that, anyone deserves more than what I have been able to give. So this is my apology to not only Ryan, but to anyone who has had to encounter my bitter heart.

Today I realized that “When you are in the final days of your life, what will you want?

Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in rereading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn't they matter most now?”

You Are More - Tenth Avenue North