What happens when you cannot change your perspective in life? What happens when everything seems to fall apart around you and there is no way of turning any of it around? What happens when you just give up hope?
Tomorrow will be 6 weeks to the day that my fiance decided that our relationship wasn't important enough for him to fight for anymore & 4 short weeks since I lost a piece of us. So much has happened in such a little amount of time. I thought things were starting to look up. I thought maybe I could get thru this and I would be happy again. I thought maybe just maybe this happened for a reason and we would work thru this.
but Oh, how I was wrong!
Each day that has passed has gotten worse. My relationship with my ex has not only deteriorated but gets worse every time we talk. Whether he says/does the things he does to hurt me or to push me away to make him feel better - he is achieving both. I've spent day after day crying, I stopped eating regularly when it all started, my sleep schedule is ridiculous, and it seems that no matter how hard I try I just cant get myself back to normal. I'm do not have a depressive personality so I do not know what it going on with me. I've never needed my family so much in my life. I know they are there for me but its not financial support that I need, its having someone to hold me, to rub my head, to comfort me when all I really crave is the touch of someone. All I want is to be held and told everything is going to be okay. I closed my heart off a long time ago and my ex was able to help me open myself back up, help tear down all the walls I spend my life building up. Which as we see has only led to him squeezing my heart out and bleeding my dry. This was the man I was supposed to marry, the man I was going to spend my life with, the man who was supposed to be the father to my children but instead he found that another girl was more important than fighting for his relationship and not only that... moved on in less than a month while flirting with one of my friends over facebook. What a friend, I know! Not to mention, its obvious that he meant more to me than I meant to him. What a way to crush an already broken heart.
I feel like I've made one bad decision after another since this has started. Ultimately, it led to a DWI that is going to cost me way tooooo much money to get fixed. A poor judgement call that I will have to pay for for the rest of my life... some people just jump into bed with someone else, you know the whole rebound idea. That's just not me but I do drink more to drown my sorrows and this time it caught up to me. Sad thing is I hadnt drank alot that night. I simply hadn't eaten in days and I've lost now 50 lbs in the past couple months with 20 of those in last 6 weeks. Excuses or not, it never excuses the fact that I was above the limit while I was driving, like the officer said, he was glad he pulled me over rather than finding me wrapped around a tree. Officer Necessary actually helped open my eyes to dealing with my situation in such a poor manner but its only turned my trying to get better into straight depression. I am having to force myself to eat and even then it makes me sick to even look at food. I cant keep my eyes open for very long. I am in so much pain that I feel like physically my body is going to escape me before I have the chance to ever realize what happened.
Where did everything go so wrong? Can someone just explain that to me? How in the world can you promise someone a lifetime of happiness yet walk away like you are just throwing out the trash when something gets rough? How come you can take your friends' advice over working out your issues with your own fiance? Ultimately, I know I dodged a bullet and I'm sure he feels the same, but I wasn't ready to dodge that bullet. I was ready to work thru and find a compromise to what happened but when you share intimate feelings with someone of the opposite sex, their only solution will always be to let them make it better. Hence the friend situation, she makes him think he's a "nice guy" which makes him feel better about himself after what he did but he'll only realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side once he realizes what kind of person she is or she realizes his lack of ambition. I knew why I was with him, I knew what I had to look forward to in life, I knew why I wanted to spend my life with him, but most of all I knew how much I loved him and never questioned that fact. In the end, if loving someone was enough to keep you together then we'd still be together because the lack of love was never an issue on my side.
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