Everything Happens for a Reason!

On this day of your life, Stephanie, we believe God wants you to know ... 

that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being.

Give some of that weight where it belongs - to God. 

Have faith that what happens is for the best, 

whether you understand it or not

- Message from God

These past couple of days have been pretty rough. I've found myself stressing over alot of things that I probably should of just let go but couldn't. I've been waiting to hear about nursing school, working 48-60 hrs a week, school, and various other personal issues. 

For the past few weeks and the next couple I am working atleast 48 hours. When I get off, I am normally headed to the gym and working out the day's aggressions. Which means that I am being left with about 4 hours of sleep at night. I think my body is just starting to catch up to my mind. 

Two days ago I got a letter in the mail about whether or not I would be accepted into the nursing program. Before I even got out of my car, I prayed that God's Will be done. If this was my time to move forward I would thank him, if it wasn't then once again I would thank him and remember that maybe there is something better/different that is in His plans. As I opened that letter, I felt my heart sink. Did I really want to see what was on that letter? What if it was a yes... I would be excited, but if it said no, I was pretty sure it'd break my heart. Well folks, it was a - 

"We appreciate your interest in the Associate Degree Nursing Program here at Forsyth Tech however we regret to inform you that you were not chosen for one of the 216 seats as we are competitive and the point range this year was between 157.7-179 and you only had 157 pts towards the program." 

Talk about a jaw drop! I know I said I would believe that maybe things happened for a reason but .7 (POINT SEVEN OF A POINT) REALLY?!?!? I was devastated none the less! 

I feel like I've been chasing this dream for too long and it definitely sent my emotions into a spiral. I've been trying so hard to keep my emotions in check and it wasnt until I found myself at work Friday morning and I just couldnt focus. I wasnt there, at all! I went into work an hour late, left 6 hours early, and was just bummed! What did I end up doing?? I bought a washer/dryer set! haha Atleast I bought something I needed vs a bunch of impulse buying! Victoria and I ended up at the gym and then went in for an early night. Watched about half of Act of Valor before I spent the evening crying myself to sleep. When I said emotional spiral, I mean I literally cry at everything right now. As I watched Act of Valor, the only face in my head was my father's. Are these the thoughts that he had as he left us every deployment because I know when the lady's husband walks out the door and she falls to her knees and cries was definitely my response everytime. Watching the soldier throw his body on a grenade for his fellow brothers... making that sacrifice to save so many others, is that what my father saw time and time again? It broke my heart. Makes me realize and makes me angry to see so many Americans bad mouth a soldier who dies to give them the right to be so ugly. Personally I am damn proud of the man I call my father! That man has put his life on the line time and time again to fight for not only my freedom but for that of complete strangers. I hope that one day I can make him half as proud of me that he makes me everyday just being the wonderful man that he is. 

I woke up this morning and my heart was still heavy. I was stopped at a stoplight and just prayed for clarity on my life. I need to know where I am headed, what am I here for, where am I going so wrong to have people walk over me and run out of my life. I'm tried of being using me as a doormat. I am so thankful for the few close friends and family that I have in my life but bottom line is I realized who my true friends were the day people found out Ryan and I were no longer together. Whats even funnier is to go out and run into some of these people and they act like they are still your friends and apologize for what has happened and give you the whole lets hang out again ( when they really have no intentions of that at all ) but really they are just that two faced and want to show face since they are NOW in front of you.