I got to talk to my sister and I think for the 1st time someone said something I needed to hear. We all choose to react to situations in our lives in different ways. For me, this situation has made me realize just how much one person has affected my life. I've looked to him not only as someone to love but as a source of love for quite sometime. I knew that I only wanted to get married once and I would fight for my marriage no matter what circumstances rose, only we weren't married yet. We've had friends who've gotten married and didn't quite make it six months before calling it quits and we knew that isnt the life we wanted for ourselves. I guess like Ryan said, sometimes you just know when something isnt going to work out. I'm glad he realized it far before I did but I never expected for things to get this bad.
I need to find my center again. I need to figure out what is important in my life and work/strive to reach my goals instead of hoping to make one man love me especially when its apparent that he isnt ready to love me in the marriage capacity. Which begs me to ask the question, was he really ready to marry me or did he just ask because he knew I wanted to get married? Was the love really there or did he just fake it in order to appease me at that time? Sad to say, I do not know that answer anymore. I dont know if I can truly say that he loved me enough to marry me yet.
So if he didnt really love me in the capacity that I needed, why does it hurt this bad? Why have I made so many bad decisions and why is it that I seem to be the only one hurting? More questions that I dont have the answers to and maybe never will. Its been so easy for him to move on and to flirt with my friends (and more than likely others that I dont know about). I guess the worst part is that I have so many questions that I cannot answer and quite frankly I dont even want to hear his answers. To spend so much time falling in love with someone over and over day after day and find out after over 2 1/2 years that that time you shared meant little to nothing to the other person is a hard pill to swallow. I've tried so hard to change the things he wanted me to change because I knew that due to relationships (both family & personal) that I spent 24 years building up walls because that was the only way I could guard my heart and spirit from such pain as this. I have to say that I have not been disappointed in years because I had learned to "Hope for the Best, but Expect the Worst" and for the 1st time in my life with him I was constantly expecting the best for us.
What happens when that carpet gets ripped out from underneath you and you have nothing left to stand on? I dont know whether to pull out the bricks and morter to get to work on building those walls or just dust off the edges and go from here. I feel like either way I am going to end up destroying myself and I will constantly pay for what other people have done to me in the past. I know it took over 2 years to move on from Mo back in the day and when I met Ryan, he was a breath of fresh air. He wasnt the typical guy that I was attracted to. He was calm, collected, more mature, and overall just an amazing guy. I dont know what I did to him to change him into the guy that he's become since we broke up but he's not the person I fell in love with and its obvious that I am no longer the person he fell in love with anymore either.
I've been depressed, I know that, but if I dont get up off that couch for anyone else it needs to be for the beautiful babies in my life... Ava, Jaxon, and Jonathan who deserve to know how strong and ambitious their aunt is. I dont know if I will ever have kids of my own in the future, once you lose one you are scared to even try again.
Well I put in an application for a hospital in another state that my licensure will transfer to. All I need is to get the right answer and I wont look back. I need to get out of this state, I need to be closer to my family, overall I just need to be closer to people who love me unconditionally and want to be in my life instead of trying to get someone back that had no intentions of being in my life for good in the 1st place.
I just keep trying to remind myself that:
Most wounds run deeper than we can imagine. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The truth with any kind of wound, or disease is to dig down and find the real source of the injury... and once you've found it-- try like hell to heal that sucker.
Now its just my time to try like hell!
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