Breathe...

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

— Oprah Winfrey

I'm sitting here staring at a blank wall wondering how in the world it used to be filled with pictures and memories of happy times. How did everything go from such a time of "happiness" to times of sorrow and pain? I say happiness like that because it makes you wonder if that happiness was even real or just a facade. I replay moment after moment in my head wondering what ever could have been real. I watch myself fall into this spiral and I watch myself bounce right back to life but is it the "surge of energy" in the final stage of dying? (Dying, of course, being a metaphor for my emotional state) 

I went to church last night for the 1st time in quite some time. I think it was fate that I found myself walking in on the night of communion. You know the whole bread of life and blood of Christ. While I found it slightly uplifting and mostly fighting back tears in my eyes, I wondered if this was truly the place I needed to be. It was a short service and as soon as I got home I was walking beside a couple that cussed each other all the way up the stairs and to the apartment right above me. I started to wonder if that was what Ryan and I looked like in the final weeks of our relationship. I listened as they continued to argue upstairs and outside on the balcony and as they threw things on the floor and across the room. I listened as glass broke and more things were knocked over and could only thank God that my nightmare was over so I turned up my music even louder. 

At this point, I took a deep breathe... I walked outside and took an even deeper breathe and realized that this was not what the Lord had in store for me. I walked back inside and took some time to myself. I'm tired of what people think is "right" for me. I'm tired of people telling me that everything is going to be alright when in fact they have no idea the circumstances or what I'm going through. Some people find happiness and get the life they want the 1st time around or are still relishing in the "honeymoon" phase of the current relationship and so no I dont want to hear about how wonderful your relationship is and how I'll find Mr. Right one day... go blow smoke up someone else's behind cause I dont want to hear that. What I want sometimes is to be mad, let me hurt, let me scream from the mountain tops, hell let me climb the Empire State Building and let me beat on my chest as hard as I can. Let me deal! 

Let me choose to make decisions for myself and let me choose to deal with my pain in my own ways. I dont need anybody to tell me how I need to feel about those who have harmed me because last time I tried that it came full circle to bite me in the ass when it came to this last relationship. I need to deal with what has happened and not throw a blanket over it and have a picnic. So today I choose to have a better day and I choose to not let my past continue to haunt me. So today I choose to make my own decisions and to let go of the things I cannot change but overall I choose to take each day one step at a time and be thankful for the moments I do have, good or bad. Our days are numbered and I dont want to live mine dwelling on my past.

“I Choose Love...

No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. 

Today I will love God and what God loves. 

I Choose Joy... 

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical. 

I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. 

I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God. 

I Choose Peace... 

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so I may live. 

I Choose Patience... 

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so, Rather complain that the wait is to long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage. 

I Choose Kindness... 

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. 

Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. 

And kind to the unkind, for that is how God has treated me. 

I Choose Goodness... 

I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. 

I will be overlooked before I will boast. 

I will confess before I accuse. I choose goodness 

I Choose Faithfulness... 

Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. 

My friends will not question my word. And my family will not question my love. 

I Choose Gentleness... 

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. 

If I raise my voice may it only be in praise. 

If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. 

If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. 

I Choose Self-Control... 

I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. 

I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. 

I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. 

I choose self-control. 

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then when this day is done I will place my head on my pillow and rest.”