Everything Happens for a Reason!

On this day of your life, Stephanie, we believe God wants you to know ... 

that the weight you carry on your shoulders is much too heavy for one human being.

Give some of that weight where it belongs - to God. 

Have faith that what happens is for the best, 

whether you understand it or not

- Message from God

These past couple of days have been pretty rough. I've found myself stressing over alot of things that I probably should of just let go but couldn't. I've been waiting to hear about nursing school, working 48-60 hrs a week, school, and various other personal issues. 

For the past few weeks and the next couple I am working atleast 48 hours. When I get off, I am normally headed to the gym and working out the day's aggressions. Which means that I am being left with about 4 hours of sleep at night. I think my body is just starting to catch up to my mind. 

Two days ago I got a letter in the mail about whether or not I would be accepted into the nursing program. Before I even got out of my car, I prayed that God's Will be done. If this was my time to move forward I would thank him, if it wasn't then once again I would thank him and remember that maybe there is something better/different that is in His plans. As I opened that letter, I felt my heart sink. Did I really want to see what was on that letter? What if it was a yes... I would be excited, but if it said no, I was pretty sure it'd break my heart. Well folks, it was a - 

"We appreciate your interest in the Associate Degree Nursing Program here at Forsyth Tech however we regret to inform you that you were not chosen for one of the 216 seats as we are competitive and the point range this year was between 157.7-179 and you only had 157 pts towards the program." 

Talk about a jaw drop! I know I said I would believe that maybe things happened for a reason but .7 (POINT SEVEN OF A POINT) REALLY?!?!? I was devastated none the less! 

I feel like I've been chasing this dream for too long and it definitely sent my emotions into a spiral. I've been trying so hard to keep my emotions in check and it wasnt until I found myself at work Friday morning and I just couldnt focus. I wasnt there, at all! I went into work an hour late, left 6 hours early, and was just bummed! What did I end up doing?? I bought a washer/dryer set! haha Atleast I bought something I needed vs a bunch of impulse buying! Victoria and I ended up at the gym and then went in for an early night. Watched about half of Act of Valor before I spent the evening crying myself to sleep. When I said emotional spiral, I mean I literally cry at everything right now. As I watched Act of Valor, the only face in my head was my father's. Are these the thoughts that he had as he left us every deployment because I know when the lady's husband walks out the door and she falls to her knees and cries was definitely my response everytime. Watching the soldier throw his body on a grenade for his fellow brothers... making that sacrifice to save so many others, is that what my father saw time and time again? It broke my heart. Makes me realize and makes me angry to see so many Americans bad mouth a soldier who dies to give them the right to be so ugly. Personally I am damn proud of the man I call my father! That man has put his life on the line time and time again to fight for not only my freedom but for that of complete strangers. I hope that one day I can make him half as proud of me that he makes me everyday just being the wonderful man that he is. 

I woke up this morning and my heart was still heavy. I was stopped at a stoplight and just prayed for clarity on my life. I need to know where I am headed, what am I here for, where am I going so wrong to have people walk over me and run out of my life. I'm tried of being using me as a doormat. I am so thankful for the few close friends and family that I have in my life but bottom line is I realized who my true friends were the day people found out Ryan and I were no longer together. Whats even funnier is to go out and run into some of these people and they act like they are still your friends and apologize for what has happened and give you the whole lets hang out again ( when they really have no intentions of that at all ) but really they are just that two faced and want to show face since they are NOW in front of you. 

Goodbye

"You and I will meet again, 

When we're least expecting it, 

One day in some far off place, 

I will recognize your face,

I won't say goodbye my friend,

For you and I will meet again." 

– Tom Petty

Last night, I came home and as I was plugging in my phone charger under the bed, I smelt an odor. Not anything gross just an odor! So what did I do? I investigated! There is nothing under my bed... I wondered if it was my stinky gym clothes in the bathroom that started to seep out into the bed room for a minute before I realized that the smell was not in the room just under the bed. So I went to the other side of the bed and right as I took one step onto that side of the carpet did I feel something squish between my toes! No folks, my cat is litter- trained and did not leave me a surprise on the floor (my first thought)!!! The floor was soaked from the head of the bed to the edge where I stood. Not only that but you could see fluid begin to pool at the top of the carpet in a few spots so I got down on my knees and continued to investigate. I could hear the carpet squish underneath me and I knew there was no way it was just spill. So I began looking for leaks. Windowsill was dry... edges against the walls - dry! I couldnt figure it out.

My lovely maintenance man, Thomas, stopped by today and was able to treat/clean up the carpet and come to find out there is a leak in the foundation causing the water to come in from the outside. Now as much as we've paid for this apartment, I would think we wouldn't be running into these problems but atleast they fix them right away! Thanks BBP for looking out for me!
Monday night I was pretty bummed thinking I bombed my STATS test but guess who not only made 100% but also is going to be doing some tutoring?? That's right... THIS GIRL! I was completely shocked when I was handed my paper this evening. Over half the class failed the test and even a few he didnt bother to show them their grades... just gave them a take home retest. Some folks just arent meant to be teachers... dont get me wrong (I'm pretty sure I've said this before) he's a smart guy just cant dumb it down for everyone to understand. I've walked out of class early on at least 2 occasions so I didnt lose my cool with him because he just doesnt get it that people need help sometimes and tries to make them feel stupid for asking.

I spent most of my day trying to go thru some old things and throwing away a bunch of stuff I no longer needed/wanted before my move. Its left me with so many mixed emotions. Its so weird to build a life with someone just to pack it up or throw it all away. How do you go about acting like something didnt exist? I've just learned I have to pick myself up and keep on going. Sometimes its easier to throw the baggage in the dumpster instead of carrying it for the rest of your life. I've always heard that when you love something, let it go if it comes back it was meant to be. Well I let him walk out the door almost 2 months ago and I dont see anything changing. My feelings havent changed... It makes trying to start over harder and basically I cant stand for anyone else to touch me even in a friendly way but that'll get easier one day. I'm sure it'll start getting easier once I'm officially moved out of this apartment and away from every reminder of the love that used to live here. I guess this is going to be goodbye to every thing I thought was going to be my future but when there is one goodbye, there is always a hello! Looking forward to the new place and being closer to both work and school!

For the 1st time in almost 3 weeks I did not go to the gym. I almost regret it because its been my release of emotions over the past couple of weeks however I figured it was a good time to take a break before I feel like poo! haha Back to the grind though tomorrow and I cant wait.

Well back to doing the laundry and hopefully crawling into bed soon! Good night loves!

Thank You!

The chains of yesterday surround me

I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up where You found me

And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west

And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned

But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away

From You leaving me this way

- Casting Crowns

You know that moment when everything just seems right in the world? I think I had one of those moments today. I felt like I was right where I needed to be at just the right moment and I was happy. 

Today started as every other day... woke up with about 15 mins to get myself together and run out the door (to class this time instead of work)! (Two)Three hour classes, twice a week + 2 online classes sucks but is all that will fit into my lovely work schedule however, I atleast have one (of two) instructors that I like and I dont mind listening to her teach for 3 hours. Then after coming home and spending about an hour on the phone with Sprint, I got my new phone activated and ready to go! Lets just say I am in love! Then of course the dreaded Stats class. I am good at Stats, dont get me wrong, but my instructor is a knucklehead! hahah He is so smart that he has NO IDEA how to dumb the subject down for his students and they are so incredibly confused. Well we had class last over 1 1/2 week ago and when we came back from Fall Break today, we were met with a test. It was funny to hear all the sighs of awkwardness and frustrations and watch people fidget in their chairs. Of course, he has no idea that he is not helping his students cause he just doesnt want to realize it even when we try to explain to him we need him to dumb it down. My favorite thing about him is he calls derivative dividend. hahah

After Stats tonight, Lisa made me dinner and we chatted/watched some of The Voice before I headed out to the gym! I love that I have such a great friend that looks out for my well being. I couldnt ask for such a wonderful friend even when she ignores my calls/text messages and vice versa! hahah just kidding (inside joke) Holley tried to kill my gym time with some no bake cookies... chocolate, pb, and oatmeal! I almost fell for your tricks Holley Jean!! ;) I did try a little bit before she dumped out the 1st batch (she added some vanilla pudding... delicious but we agreed too dry!)

Gym time with Victoria was great as usual. Glad we got out there despite feeling so sore from yesterday. Not to mention, I LOVE THE RESULTS of our dedication thus far. I wore a size 6 jean today and I even put on a size 4 that I was able to button up with some wiggle room around the waist but my butt was just too big and I couldnt handle it being that squashed in those jeans but it certainly put a smile on my face! I love being comfortable with myself again... I was almost tipping the scale at 190 lbs back in July and now I am teetering 140-150 and I've never been more comfortable. 

For those who have been praying for me and checking on me... I just want you to know that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have been my inspiration in bettering myself and I give the credit to you for helping me keep my head up during the rough times sometimes it was words of encouragement and other times they were words that I didnt want to hear but needed to hear... each and every one of you know who you are and again I thank you. I was in a very dark place a few weeks ago and if it wasnt for your encouragement, I may not have made it through. I continue to keep my head up high and I just want to send a little shout out to Ronna, my daddy's lovely wife, the day you sent me the link to that video along with your kind words days prior it made a difference in my world and I am happy to report that I find myself getting closer and closer to achieving what you said I would. I am very happy to have you in my life... thank you for being you! 

However folks, continue to pray for me as I have some decisions to make tonight and over the next couple of days and I will be moving (hopefully in the next week or so), I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time in the day but I know with His help I will make it thru! 

True Love

true love :: 

does not mean you wont break up it means you'll always get back together... 

id rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else

id rather have hard times together then easy times apart... 

love isn't about how you forget but how you forgive one another.. 

it's not about how you listen but how you understand.. 

it's not about what you see but what you feel.. 

its not how you let go its how you hold on when things get rough... 

when two people are meant for each other no time is too long 

no distance is too far and nobody can tear them apart.. 

that is how you know its meant to be...

Today I spend the day sitting with a 6 wk old. From the time I picked him up the very first time he took my heart. I am a softy when it comes to babies. I love being able to hold, feed, love on, just give that special something to every baby I come into contact with especially when so many times they come thru the hospital because someone failed to give them that love like today. This precious little gift from God was a victim of parents that did not deserve to procreate. Story #1 from the mother was it was an unknown unintentional accident, Story #2 (and accurate story) was the baby was shaken. Shaken babies suffer so much from the force their parents shake them. In this case, the child had 1.7" of blood lining the cavity between his skull and skin. Due to the baby being so young and his fontanels not being fully closed, the blood was able to be released outside of the skull with possibility of the body reabsorbing it however the amount could cause seizures with the probability of death. Now that right there if proven which parent did it would be considered attempted manslaughter. 

I've always been a strong believer in the philosophy of "there are bad people who spit out children because they can or for the benefits of welfare but they do not/cannot take care of another human life while good baron couples cannot have children and could give these children a wonderful loving home." So why do these parents insist on torturing a child. People get frustrated all the time, not every parent is excited 100% of the time but they do not beat on their children or shake the hell out of them. So as I sat there with security all day (along with the mother) I was the only one ACTUALLY taking care of this child. In the 12 hours of me working I feed that child every 2 hours, burped him, changed him, swaddled him, held him, and comforted him when he cried. What mother sits back and lets a complete stranger do the job that she was intended to do? I, being the person I am and going thru the things I've been thru recently, had to leave the room and take me a minute because the second the nurse showed me the amount of blood on that baby's brain and explained the force that would have had to been put on that child for it to come to that just brought me to tears. WHAT I WOULD DO to give the child a proper home and let him know that he is loved. 

So it really got me thinking about becoming a foster parent. Not right now at this very instant but at some point in my life I feel like it would serve me well as I am wanting to show these children that not all people are bad and they deserve a love greater than what these deadbeat parents are showing them. 

I've spent my life on the quest of finding my true love and I think I finally realized that its not worth searching for, eventually when the time is right it'll find you. In the meantime, I can pour my love out to the children that I take care of and pretty much into my work because if I can make a difference in just one person's life a day, then I will feel like I've made a difference and I've made my mark on the world and I will feel like I have finally achieved what I've been searching for. 

Chalk Outline

I've been cursed. I've been crossed.

I've been beaten by the ones that get me off.

I've been cut. I've been opened up.

I've been shattered by the ones I thought I loved

All you left behind

Is a chalk outline

- Three Days Grace

Today has had its ups and downs... mostly ups I am happy to report. I woke up this morning thanking God for another day and asking he continue to give me a positive attitude. I had already woken up late and when I called into work to receive my assignment, I do believe the 1st words out of my mouth were "You're kidding right?!?". The floor I was assigned to was not one that I particularly favor. So it was then as I was putting on my uniform and makeup that I asked God for patience today and to keep my eyes on the prize instead of declaring a bad day from the start.

As I got to work, I happened to be pulling up the same time as a friend and we walked inside to find we were just down the hall from each other. As the day went by we were occasionally able to get together chat/vent and keep on moving then by lunch time he showed me the rooftop of the hospital where we had lunch and talked about some of the chaos we are surrounded by on a daily basis. I have to say it was the first time I've ever been on the rooftop of the hospital and it was quite refreshing to just be outdoors. Our break seemed to fly by and before we knew it it was over and we were headed back to our respective floors. The floor itself was not that bad today. Busy but steady. At times even a little chaotic but nothing like I was used to every other time I have been assigned to that floor. However, once again I think it makes a big difference the people that you work with because they were certainly all very wonderful today. Right after work, Victoria and I headed to the gym and of course had our round of Cardio followed by some weighted exercises. I cannot believe how much better I feel everytime walk into the gym. Its a whole motivation in itself and before we know it we've been there 2 hours and it just seems to go by so quickly. I just love the way I feel at the end of the day and of course I sleep so much better. 

So that was all the great things I did today... so for the downs of the day...

I found myself talking about things that have happened, things I want to happen, and just things in general. My ultimate response when someone asked me why did I allow certain things to happen or why I reacted to certain things the way I did... Love was always my answer. Sometimes you dont know the effect love has on your emotions until it has completely consumed you and you feel like you just cant let go of that feeling. Makes me think of the women who get beaten on a regular basis and yet are "so in love" that they cannot get out of such an abusive relationship. No my relationship was not abusive... I just used that as an example but it made me wonder about what it was in my head that really made me hold on. Maybe I was so consumed with my version of love that I did not see we were losing touch long before this ended, I didnt see that he was unhappy, and I didnt see that I was pushing him right into the comforting arms of another girl. At the end of the day, I knew in my heart that I wasnt able to comfort him at the end of his bad days at work and that broke my heart but just like my bad/rough days at work he didnt know how to comfort me either. They say opposites attract and we were certainly opposites but at the end of the day sometimes love really isnt enough to keep two people together when everything else seems to put a wedge between you. Its amazing how much you miss the little things that got on your nerves when there is nothing to get on your nerves anymore. So to sum it up... Listen to Chalk Outline by Three Days Grace. I listened to it while I was in the gym tonight and its the song that got me thinking!

Said Yes to the Dress!

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous. 

- Carrie, Sex and the City

Back in July, I went to pick out a wedding dress with my mother. It was the very 1st time I ever tried on dresses and I knew what I wanted but I was terrified to try it on in fear that I would not be as in love with the dress as I was in my dreams. You know that whole childhood fantasy every woman has of the perfect wedding, well that dress was the biggest part of mine.

Pre-breakup I was a bit on the heavier side of my scale (bigger than what I wanted to be)! I knew I was going to lose some weight for the wedding so I ordered a size smaller than what I actually needed. The dress came in after Ryan moved out of course and when I put it on... it was absolutely ENORMOUS! I have lost 50 lbs now and so when I went to my appt today at David's Bridal I had expected to go down a dress size when in fact I went from women's sizes to regular sizes and the jump from the smallest woman's size to the largest regular size was a 3 size difference so I was a bit skeptical going down but when they took one look at me they went down another size and had me try on that dress. It was 4 dress sizes down and PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL!!! I now cannot wait for the day that I am able to get married and wear such a beautiful dress. Not to mention they even threw in a hairpiece for kicks! Boy, I wish I was standing by Ryan's side on June 15th at 3pm wearing that dress but looks like that dress is going to have to wait for another time, another date, and looking beautiful beside another tux! =/

Feeling so B-E-A-U-TIFUL today certainly made my day.

But, WAIT, THERE'S MORE! For 19.99 you get ... just kidding. No infommertial here!

I went into work for a couple extra hours this evening just took myself busy (and happy of course) and got to talk to a friend who I just so happened to be relieving and he kicked my happiness level up a notch. I dont know if its just a female thing but sometimes guys just know the right thing to say and just the right time (not even in a flirtatious manner). Its nice to have guy friends that want to be just that... a friend! The next few hours went by quick and then it was off to the gym.

Now the gym has become part of my everyday routine these days. I love that I have Victoria to help me be accountable when it comes to going to the gym! I love that she has as much drive as I do when it comes to being healthy. It makes such a huge difference when you constantly have someone to motivate you and to be honest I feel like a horrible person when I think for a second that I dont want to go to the gym because I feel like I'll let her down and I love that she is always up for that challenge!

I have so much to be thankful for today that I honestly do not know where to start. I love that every day lately has been filled with hope and happiness and for once I feel like I can keep my head above water (no meds needed)! I filled out a survey yesterday that in part made me think so much yesterday and two of the questions were "Do you feel like other people are the cause of your troubles?" and "Do you feel like someone else controls your actions?" and my honest answer was no. I thought to myself, in the 1st few days of this blog I placed blame on others and occasionally still do but overall I've been alot happier since the time I realized only I can control my actions, only I can control my emotions, and only I can control how I react to what others do to me. That alone put a lot of things into perspective for me. So while I did mention 2 people in my blog yesterday... you both know who you are, I ended up offending another. Like I told her today, my intentions are not to offend anyone especially not someone I dont mean to or has nothing to do with what has happened, I just simply want to be able to vent and share and get feedback because if I kept everything bottled up then I'm pretty positive my whole world would come crashing down and someone would find me later hanging from my shower (graphic I know but truth). That's not the person that I am and that's certainly not the person I want to be. I've gone thru more difficult things in my past then most people will ever go thru in their lives to include losing my 1st child. Not many people know that outside of my family but at the same time I think people need to know that when it comes to me... you truly have no idea what I've dealt with and what I continue to deal with so dont pretend like you know what I'm going thru.

On an end note (and to bring this back to a positive side) I just want to continue to follow this path of happiness I am on. It makes a world of difference for me when I keep myself busy (the whole working almost 60hrs a week) because I, now, really believe that idle hands do the devil's work. I cannot seem to stay out of trouble unless I keep myself busy! hahah Good thing is... I have lots to look forward to in the next couple of weeks. Charlie and I are moving to the other side of town and I will be closer to 2 two lovely ladies, school, and work. I need to get a move on on my quest for finding some moving boxes or I may just wait and pack up everything in the car in bins and move things over slowly over a couple of days and then enlist the help of some wonderful guys (with trucks of course) and move the big stuff!

I am beyond excited as I feel like I am getting ready to start over. A new lease on life and of course a new lease on an apartment. Things are finally looking up and I am loving every second of it!

Keeping the Faith

Faith is believing in what is true. Faith has two elements: 1) being convinced of the truth, being certain of reality, having evidence of unseen things, and 2) believing, hoping in, embracing, seizing the truth.

Today I chose to walk in faith. These days the truth is hard to come by. It seems everywhere around you, you find yourself surrounded by liars. There are the good lies, the bad lies, and the outright malicious lies. Today has a been a little harder than the past couple of days because I want so bad to fall back into some of my old habits and old feelings but I am choosing to walk by faith and see that there is something God has in store for me that is far greater than my past. I am hoping that God is going to put forth something so great for me that I am going to look back and wonder what was I ever thinking.

I spent most of my day sitting which gave me a lot of time to ponder. It didnt seem to matter how much I tried to keep my mind preoccupied on other things, I always seem to come back to the certain issues on my current situation. I found myself talking to a friend who has found her Mr. Right after being engaged to Mr. Wrong just as I had. She made me think awfully hard about just sitting back and letting the world pass me by. I bet she didnt even realize she made me think that hard! haha Here I have been standing on my own two feet and I have found myself getting happier and happier everyday... but I still feel like something is missing/not right. 

So the search is on! It's time to find what I've been missing. Find that missing link in my chain. Maybe its moving out and fully moving on with my life. Here I talk to Ryan just about everyday still and while I want nothing more than to be amicable he always tries to reel me in just to cast that line back out and cut it loose. I dont fully understand what is still going on in his head. I'm not here to play games... just as I told him - I dont care about his feelings towards me I and working on building myself back up and I dont need to see or hear about girls throwing themselves at him... or him telling me about a friend of mine telling him how nice of a guy he is so they flirt over facebook and carry on like we didnt have a relationship and when they both get called out on it all of a sudden deny anything is going on or his old romping partner that likes to throw herself at everybody else's guys (which is how she got the guy she had been dating while Ryan and I were together & pretty convenient she's single all of a sudden). I'm over the pettiness of "friends" that were two-faced during my relationship and gave me the whole "I'm here for you" bit and yet have been MIA. I've got guys throwing themselves at me but do I flaunt that all over facebook, do I put pictures up of it, do I throw it in his face... NO because I'm over it. I'm not allowing someone else to humiliate not only him but myself. None of those girls have any respect for me, my feelings, or our relationship which is where a lot of our problems stemmed from during the relationship. Once again, like I told him... if he didnt care to protect me during our relationship I do not expect him to protect me now. 

All that being said, it comes back full circle that only I can protect myself from the hurt, pain, or guilt. I cannot let someone else be a backseat driver to my emotions. I have to keep my head up high and continue to take one small step forward everyday because at this point... baby steps are just as important as giant leaps. I choose to keep the faith - to believe in the unseen, to hope, to embrace, and to seize every opportunity that comes my way for I am the only one that can control my destiny.

Girl on Fire

This girl is on fire. Looks like a girl but she’s a flame. So bright she can burn your eyes, Better look the other way. You can try but you’ll never forget her name. She’s on top of the world, Hottest of the hottest girls say. Oh, we got our feet on the ground and we’re burning it down. Oh, got our head in the clouds and we’re not coming down. This girl is on fire

- Alicia Keys

Its absolutely amazing how different each day is... 

I woke up this morning in another great mood. I was a bit saddened that I woke up later than I had expected  but that didnt stop me from getting everything done that I wanted to accomplish and then some. I was happy to get my new phone today (even though I cant seem to get it set up the way I would like it, sucks when you've depended on that tech savvy fiance of yours to do that and he's not there to fix it! haha) and then I was able to sign a lease and put down a deposit for my new place. I had intentions of getting a one bedroom but then I had the opportunity to see a 2 bedroom WITH a fireplace and a walk-in closet and just couldnt turn it down! They offered me great move in deals and I couldnt be happier with my decision to move forward (not to mention, my possibly potential roommate! *\o/*) 

So Lisa and I went to Burlington Coat Factory today and you would never believe what this (me!) pink hater  bought... a pair of PINK pumps! I couldnt believe it but let me tell you... I cant wait to wear them with my new outfit. Not only did I have I feel good about where I am moving to but I buying those shoes made me feel beautiful as well! 

Today's been short and sweet but really the only thing that stood out for me today was the fact that I have to say this new me feels good... I like being a girl on fire!!

Until tomorrow... another day of work awaits! 

Right thru Me

You let me win, you let me ride. You let me rock, you let me slide, & when they looking you let me hide. Defend my honor, Protect my pride. The Good advice I always hated but looking back it made me greater.You always told me forget the haters just get my money, just get my weight up. Know when I'm lying, Know when I'm crying, Its like you got it down to a science. 

- Nicki Minaj

Today started out on such a great note, I could not let it go to waste. I was on 7 Reynolds again today and for the 1st time ever... I went 12 hours with NO rapid response or code status! We came close a time or two but did not have to actually run with it!


From the time that I walked on the floor this morning I was met with "Thank God, Stephanie is here... we can get thru any code today with those compressions and we're going to have a good day!" For the 1st time I smiled and accepted what happened/how I reacted and the fact that I did the best I could. As the day went by there were little things that continued to brighten up my day... my patients, my coworkers, my attitude! The fact that we had a full hall (25 patients) and the 3rd NA never showed up didnt even seem to phase me... which NEVER happens. That latter part alone drives me nuts especially on dayshift however the girls kept a smile on my face. It was about lunch time when I sat down and was EATING when I realized I was alone and smiling/laughing at myself. I was already happy about how my day was going but that seemed to perk me up even more. Some of the nurse's showed up and we chatted and laughed and cut up and I again realized that my day couldnt get any better.



As the day went on my spirit stayed high. Its amazing the difference a smile makes on one person's face and how it seems to illuminate a room. Then I remembered the Message from God that I received last night before falling asleep -

Even when you feel ugly or depressed or guilty or ashamed, there is an inner spark in you which is light. This light is your beauty. This light is your reflection of God. You are a child of God, thus you are beautiful.

Some how I seemed to have rekindled my spark and people began to notice. Not to mention, I have continued to keep up with an old friend of mine and he's always know the right things to say. The best part is he, too, has gone thru the same situation as I have and so it's so easy to talk to him and he understands just what I'm going thru without passing judgement or getting bored or telling me to get over it and find another fish in the sea. we have found that we can rely on each other thru thick and thin and can even say/share the hard stuff. Thanks for being such a great friend Mike, your mom was right about you being such a wonderful person!! Thanks for being you!!

CODE BLUE

“You need someone to lift your spirits. You need someone to look you in the face and say, "This isn't the end. Don't give up. There is a better place than this. And I'll lead you there.”

I know the hardships that my job entails... its why I took the job in the first place. I knew that I wanted to do my job ever since I was younger for one reason - to make a difference in someone's life. Today I did one of the hardest things I ever have to do in my line of work... let someone go! 

Today started as any other day... 2 hours of sleep and then I headed to work. I called for my assignment and 7 Reynolds it was. I love that floor, dont get me wrong, but every time I'm there something bad happens but I chose to keep a positive attitude. As I worked my assignment this morning, the sitter for my patient wanted a break. I made her wait an extra 30 mins or so to finish getting some work done and as I went to relieve her I found myself a bit taken back at how upset the patient was at this girl. So I asked the girl to go on her break and the nurse came in and helped me get her to a chair. The patient was a bit confused but I found comfort in helping her to understand my purpose for being with her. She looked at me and said "Well, okay missy but I need to poop!" haha The RN and I dragged the chair she was in straight to the bathroom and then let her walk the few steps and sit. She grabbed ahold of my hand and said thank you honey but I could use some privacy. 

Now, I normally would walk out the room door and wait for her to call out but today I decided to wait right next to the  bathroom door and the second I heard a break in her stream, I turned to ask if she was ok where she went wide eyed and slumped over against the wall. I immediately pulled the alarm and held her in my arms where I felt her slipping away with every second that passed. All I remember is hearing dear Frances's voice and screaming we had a code. Before she had the chance to call over the intercom, I had the RN by my side and we were lifting her body to carry her back to her bed to begin CPR. She continued to slip away so we stopped right where we were and I started compressions. Everything else just seemed like a whirl wind event as tons of people spilled in... Rapid Response, Code Team, CCU Nurses, Doctors, Charges, Unit Managers, etc, etc. Then came John, he and I swapped out doing compressions. The doctor who ran the code was odd... yes I said odd. You know we learn that when you start getting tired you have someone swap out with you but no, she was adamant about each of us going the full 2 mins. He did compressions for about 8 mins as I hooked up lines according to Rapid's instructions, since we had such little space to do all of this. My turn came again... 10 mins of compressions for this gal in 2 min increments before checking for a pulse time and time again. I did compressions til  I was blue in the face. I could not even get a song in my head as I just continually felt ribs break underneath my palms. I held back tears as it just broke my heart with each crack I felt. All I could do was count and pray and pray and count and each time someone asked me a question I could feel my arms start to buckle as I tried to answer so I just chose not to speak until my 2 mins were up. 

Shock 1 administered. Faint carotid pulse. Lost. Begin Compressions. 

Time and time again we tried to get her back.

Shock 2 administered. Faint carotid. Holding. Lost. Begin 2 mins. 

At this point I could feel my head spinning but I did not lose focus. All I wanted was this woman to not give up. This round it felt like I was pushing into a water bed. I could hear and feel the slushing sound as I pushed against her chest. 

1 min 20 seconds. 

Charge knelt beside me and asked to take over when the doctor snapped TWO MINUTES!

Rapid RN started the count down... 45 seconds. 

20 seconds.

15 seconds.

8 seconds.

5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Check for a pulse. Faint. Final Shock 3 administered. Charge had to administer meds which means I did the final set of compressions before it was official. No pulse. Time of Death 11:42 am 

Spectators (yes I call them spectators because they just stood there and watched - just took up space even after they were asked to leave) finally cleared the room as they realized we were going to need some help lifting her lifeless body off the floor. I waited for people to leave as I hung my head in defeat. My legs were so wobbly and I could barely hold myself up as my arms felt like jello. Nursing Supervisor patted my back and told me what an amazing job I did and tears just welled up in my eyes. I went to the patients bathroom as the tears rolled down my face and I hit the wall. I took a minute, regrouped, and helped get her back to the bed. 

Through out today I was praised for my "amazing job", "great compressions", "kept composure throughout the code", "amazing teamwork", and blah blah blah. How do you accept praise when you didnt even accomplish what you set out to do... bring this woman back to life? When I took my lunch break and went downstairs to my staffing office I was met once again with praises that I felt I just could not accept. Later, my boss emailed me to thank me since the floor seemed to sing my praises, but I still could not accept it. We couldnt clean up the body until the family was notified and so when I got back from break I went to see her. 

I found myself straightening out her limbs, as to prevent contraction, and praying that this was not the end for her but that she found her everlasting life. As I laid her hands across her chest I said one last simple prayer and shut the door behind me. 

My heart was heavy and this situation was all that people wanted to talk about and I found myself beginning to walk away from conversations as they ultimately led to "she did such an amazing job".  I just couldnt understand how something that people found so great could cause me to feel so much sorrow. 

So today I learned to endure. I learned to push thru the situation and find a peace in my heart, if not for me for her. I did everything I could possibly do but like Ray said... I am not God. When it is time for someone to go we could fight like hell but it wont change the outcome because ultimately God has the plan already set in motion. For the 1st time someone said something that made me feel good. However, I ended up coming home to an empty home. I have never longed for someone's touch as much as I did tonight. All I want is for someone to hug me... to squeeze me tight... someone to let me feel and know that I am loved today for today was hard and its days like today that make it suck to come home and deal with the pain and emotion that comes all alone. 

Tomorrow is another day and who knows maybe someone is ready to love me. 

Breathe...

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

— Oprah Winfrey

I'm sitting here staring at a blank wall wondering how in the world it used to be filled with pictures and memories of happy times. How did everything go from such a time of "happiness" to times of sorrow and pain? I say happiness like that because it makes you wonder if that happiness was even real or just a facade. I replay moment after moment in my head wondering what ever could have been real. I watch myself fall into this spiral and I watch myself bounce right back to life but is it the "surge of energy" in the final stage of dying? (Dying, of course, being a metaphor for my emotional state) 

I went to church last night for the 1st time in quite some time. I think it was fate that I found myself walking in on the night of communion. You know the whole bread of life and blood of Christ. While I found it slightly uplifting and mostly fighting back tears in my eyes, I wondered if this was truly the place I needed to be. It was a short service and as soon as I got home I was walking beside a couple that cussed each other all the way up the stairs and to the apartment right above me. I started to wonder if that was what Ryan and I looked like in the final weeks of our relationship. I listened as they continued to argue upstairs and outside on the balcony and as they threw things on the floor and across the room. I listened as glass broke and more things were knocked over and could only thank God that my nightmare was over so I turned up my music even louder. 

At this point, I took a deep breathe... I walked outside and took an even deeper breathe and realized that this was not what the Lord had in store for me. I walked back inside and took some time to myself. I'm tired of what people think is "right" for me. I'm tired of people telling me that everything is going to be alright when in fact they have no idea the circumstances or what I'm going through. Some people find happiness and get the life they want the 1st time around or are still relishing in the "honeymoon" phase of the current relationship and so no I dont want to hear about how wonderful your relationship is and how I'll find Mr. Right one day... go blow smoke up someone else's behind cause I dont want to hear that. What I want sometimes is to be mad, let me hurt, let me scream from the mountain tops, hell let me climb the Empire State Building and let me beat on my chest as hard as I can. Let me deal! 

Let me choose to make decisions for myself and let me choose to deal with my pain in my own ways. I dont need anybody to tell me how I need to feel about those who have harmed me because last time I tried that it came full circle to bite me in the ass when it came to this last relationship. I need to deal with what has happened and not throw a blanket over it and have a picnic. So today I choose to have a better day and I choose to not let my past continue to haunt me. So today I choose to make my own decisions and to let go of the things I cannot change but overall I choose to take each day one step at a time and be thankful for the moments I do have, good or bad. Our days are numbered and I dont want to live mine dwelling on my past.

“I Choose Love...

No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. 

Today I will love God and what God loves. 

I Choose Joy... 

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical. 

I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. 

I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God. 

I Choose Peace... 

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so I may live. 

I Choose Patience... 

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so, Rather complain that the wait is to long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage. 

I Choose Kindness... 

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. 

Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. 

And kind to the unkind, for that is how God has treated me. 

I Choose Goodness... 

I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. 

I will be overlooked before I will boast. 

I will confess before I accuse. I choose goodness 

I Choose Faithfulness... 

Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. 

My friends will not question my word. And my family will not question my love. 

I Choose Gentleness... 

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. 

If I raise my voice may it only be in praise. 

If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. 

If I make a demand, may it be only of myself. 

I Choose Self-Control... 

I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. 

I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. 

I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. 

I choose self-control. 

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then when this day is done I will place my head on my pillow and rest.”

Just a Reminder...

Talking about a past relationship doesn’t mean you’re still stuck on it, sometimes its a reminder not to screw up again.

I started this blog so that I could things off my chest. Maybe not for the world as much as it was for me to actually get out what I was feeling and being able to look back and see how far I've come. Given I only started it a couple of days ago, its had weeks of pent up emotions that I've not really been able to share. 

Today, I woke up and I realized that, Guess what? I am the only one hurting myself. Ryan isn't here so how can he still be the cause of my pain? Its me and me alone that keeps knocking myself back down on my ass day after day. I've allowed myself to be my greatest enemy and now its time to pick myself up and move forward. What have I learned thus far? I've learned that I cannot continue to beat myself up over the things that have transpired but I have to look at them for what they are worth and realize that they are now a stepping stone, a way to learn from my mistakes. 

I know I chased him away because I have never believed that I deserved something good in my life. When my own mom has to reassure me the night I get engaged that I deserved it and dont let myself find reasons otherwise... it says that it was inevitable that I would at some point screw it up and ultimately it would be Ryan's decision to stick with me or run for the hills and with friends like his... of course the latter option was what they would scream in his ears. I know I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to be. I know I've always been a damaged little girl stuck in a woman's body but what person is completely put together not damaged by past heartache, death of a loved one, loss after loss after loss? It just so happens I am all of those to a degree of 20+. 

From now on I refuse to take anything lying down. I am going to get up because I know for every step, every breath, every tear I've cried, every prayer in my heart, at my worst, when my world falls down, even in the dark, even when it gets hard He will never leave me because He is the only constant in my life. I should of reached out for Him long ago and instead I seemed the need to find love over finding true and everlasting love. Its always been said -

“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” 

― Max Lucado

Its about time that I find my God again. Once I truly know how to give up the hurt and the pain that has surrounded my life, I will know how to truly love someone with a full heart. I've spent years giving away bits and pieces of myself to the ones I've loved that it is now time to recollect and rebuild, something I should have done before I tried giving away a superglued and ducktaped heart to Ryan. He deserved more than that, anyone deserves more than what I have been able to give. So this is my apology to not only Ryan, but to anyone who has had to encounter my bitter heart.

Today I realized that “When you are in the final days of your life, what will you want?

Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in rereading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn't they matter most now?”

You Are More - Tenth Avenue North

Time to Try like Hell...

Today I left my apartment for the 1st time in almost 3 days. I've not been off my couch or been up long enough to realize I've wasted my time away.

I got to talk to my sister and I think for the 1st time someone said something I needed to hear. We all choose to react to situations in our lives in different ways. For me, this situation has made me realize just how much one person has affected my life. I've looked to him not only as someone to love but as a source of love for quite sometime. I knew that I only wanted to get married once and I would fight for my marriage no matter what circumstances rose, only we weren't married yet. We've had friends who've gotten married and didn't quite make it six months before calling it quits and we knew that isnt the life we wanted for ourselves. I guess like Ryan said, sometimes you just know when something isnt going to work out. I'm glad he realized it far before I did but I never expected for things to get this bad.

I need to find my center again. I need to figure out what is important in my life and work/strive to reach my goals instead of hoping to make one man love me especially when its apparent that he isnt ready to love me in the marriage capacity. Which begs me to ask the question, was he really ready to marry me or did he just ask because he knew I wanted to get married? Was the love really there or did he just fake it in order to appease me at that time? Sad to say, I do not know that answer anymore. I dont know if I can truly say that he loved me enough to marry me yet.

So if he didnt really love me in the capacity that I needed, why does it hurt this bad? Why have I made so many bad decisions and why is it that I seem to be the only one hurting? More questions that I dont have the answers to and maybe never will. Its been so easy for him to move on and to flirt with my friends (and more than likely others that I dont know about). I guess the worst part is that I have so many questions that I cannot answer and quite frankly I dont even want to hear his answers. To spend so much time falling in love with someone over and over day after day and find out after over 2 1/2 years that that time you shared meant little to nothing to the other person is a hard pill to swallow. I've tried so hard to change the things he wanted me to change because I knew that due to relationships (both family & personal) that I spent 24 years building up walls because that was the only way I could guard my heart and spirit from such pain as this. I have to say that I have not been disappointed in years because I had learned to "Hope for the Best, but Expect the Worst" and for the 1st time in my life with him I was constantly expecting the best for us.

What happens when that carpet gets ripped out from underneath you and you have nothing left to stand on? I dont know whether to pull out the bricks and morter to get to work on building those walls or just dust off the edges and go from here. I feel like either way I am going to end up destroying myself and I will constantly pay for what other people have done to me in the past. I know it took over 2 years to move on from Mo back in the day and when I met Ryan, he was a breath of fresh air. He wasnt the typical guy that I was attracted to. He was calm, collected, more mature, and overall just an amazing guy. I dont know what I did to him to change him into the guy that he's become since we broke up but he's not the person I fell in love with and its obvious that I am no longer the person he fell in love with anymore either.

I've been depressed, I know that, but if I dont get up off that couch for anyone else it needs to be for the beautiful babies in my life... Ava, Jaxon, and Jonathan who deserve to know how strong and ambitious their aunt is. I dont know if I will ever have kids of my own in the future, once you lose one you are scared to even try again.

Well I put in an application for a hospital in another state that my licensure will transfer to. All I need is to get the right answer and I wont look back. I need to get out of this state, I need to be closer to my family, overall I just need to be closer to people who love me unconditionally and want to be in my life instead of trying to get someone back that had no intentions of being in my life for good in the 1st place.

I just keep trying to remind myself that:

Most wounds run deeper than we can imagine. You can't see them with the naked eye. And then there are the wounds that take us by surprise. The truth with any kind of wound, or disease is to dig down and find the real source of the injury... and once you've found it-- try like hell to heal that sucker.

Now its just my time to try like hell!

Hold Me Close...

What happens when you cannot change your perspective in life? What happens when everything seems to fall apart around you and there is no way of turning any of it around? What happens when you just give up hope?

Tomorrow will be 6 weeks to the day that my fiance decided that our relationship wasn't important enough for him to fight for anymore & 4 short weeks since I lost a piece of us. So much has happened in such a little amount of time. I thought things were starting to look up. I thought maybe I could get thru this and I would be happy again. I thought maybe just maybe this happened for a reason and we would work thru this.

but Oh, how I was wrong!

Each day that has passed has gotten worse. My relationship with my ex has not only deteriorated but gets worse every time we talk. Whether he says/does the things he does to  hurt me or to push me away to make him feel better - he is achieving both. I've spent day after day crying, I stopped eating regularly when it all started, my sleep schedule is ridiculous, and it seems that no matter how hard I try I just cant get myself back to normal. I'm do not have a depressive personality so I do not know what it going on with me. I've never needed my family so much in my life. I know they are there for me but its not financial support that I need, its having someone to hold me, to rub my head, to comfort me when all I really crave is the touch of someone. All I want is to be held and told everything is going to be okay. I closed my heart off a long time ago and my ex was able to help me open myself back up, help tear down all the walls I spend my life building up. Which as we see has only led to him squeezing my heart out and bleeding my dry. This was the man I was supposed to marry, the man I was going to spend my life with, the man who was supposed to be the father to my children but instead he found that another girl was more important than fighting for his relationship and not only that... moved on in less than a month while flirting with one of my friends over facebook. What a friend, I know! Not to mention, its obvious that he meant more to me than I meant to him. What a way to crush an already broken heart.

I feel like I've made one bad decision after another since this has started. Ultimately, it led to a DWI that is going to cost me way tooooo much money to get fixed. A poor judgement call that I will have to pay for for the rest of my life... some people just jump into bed with someone else, you know the whole rebound idea. That's just not me but I do drink more to drown my sorrows and this time it caught up to me. Sad thing is I hadnt drank alot that night. I simply hadn't eaten in days and I've lost now 50 lbs in the past couple months with 20 of those in last 6 weeks. Excuses or not, it never excuses the fact that I was above the limit while I was driving, like the officer said, he was glad he pulled me over rather than finding me wrapped around a tree. Officer Necessary actually helped open my eyes to dealing with my situation in such a poor manner but its only turned my trying to get better into straight depression. I am having to force myself to eat and even then it makes me sick to even look at food. I cant keep my eyes open for very long. I am in so much pain that I feel like physically my body is going to escape me before I have the chance to ever realize what happened.

Where did everything go so wrong? Can someone just explain that to me?  How in the world can you promise someone a lifetime of happiness yet walk away like you are just throwing out the trash when something gets rough? How come you can take your friends' advice over working out your issues with your own fiance? Ultimately, I know I dodged a bullet and I'm sure he feels the same, but I wasn't ready to dodge that bullet. I was ready to work thru and find a compromise to what happened but when you share intimate feelings with someone of the opposite sex, their only solution will always be to let them make it better. Hence the friend situation, she makes him think he's a "nice guy" which makes him feel better about himself after what he did but he'll only realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side once he realizes what kind of person she is or she realizes his lack of ambition. I knew why I was with him, I knew what I had to look forward to in life, I knew why I wanted to spend my life with him, but most of all I knew how much I loved him and never questioned that fact. In the end, if loving someone was enough to keep you together then we'd still be together because the lack of love was never an issue on my side.